Category: The Jokes Write Themselves

Kanye West’s Yeezy Collection For The Gap Is Being Sold Out Of Trash Bags, Which Is What He Wants

August 17, 2022 / Posted by:

Kanye West is either trying to be Artsy™ and Edgy™ or he’s finally come to acknowledge that the hideous “designs” he comes out with to sell to the people are a load of trash. HipHopDx says that Kanye’s clothing line collaboration with the Gap is sold in stores in huge trash bag-looking bags. And it was Kanye’s choice to do so. I think it’s perfect symbolism since whoever buys his shit can even just throw their money directly in whatever garbage is nearest to them and achieve the same effect. It’s perfectly fitting!

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Katy Perry Bitch Slaps Social Media Via Social Media

April 17, 2021 / Posted by:

Hot on the heels (no, not Tom Cruise’s sizzling-hot heels) of Chrissy Teigen finding her way back to social media after a dramatic Twitter flounce that lasted all of 22 days, Katy Perry, 36, took a moment out of her busy day explaining the farting noises of her latex dress on American Idol to inform her more than 100 million followers that social media totally sucks, and that we’re all, like, doomed.

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Pamela Anderson And Her New Husband Did A “Loose Women” Interview From Their Bed

February 20, 2021 / Posted by:

The Amsterdam Hilton and Queen Elizabeth Hotel in Montreal are quivering in fear right now, since their most famous guest rooms, once notoriously occupied by the newly married John Lennon and Yoko Ono during their two, week-long 1969 Bed-Ins for Peace; risk being upstaged by the bed-bound connubial bliss of randy newlyweds Pamela Anderson, 53, and her 40-something bodyguard, Dan Hayhurst.

Somewhere in her virgin-blood-lined crypt at an undisclosed location, Madonna and her grill are mumbling, It feels reductive.

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Donald Trump Tweeted A Nickelback Meme, Which Got Yanked For Copyright Infringement

October 3, 2019 / Posted by:

Donald Trump tweeted a spoof video using Nickelback’s 2005 song Photograph, and it was in reference to the dirt he was allegedly trying to have the President of Ukraine dig up on Joe Biden. You would think that Trump and Nickelback joining unholy forces (even though, in Nickelback’s defense, and I hate Trump for making me type that, they were dragged into this mess) would cause Satan to destroy the world once and for all since his job is done, but the tweet was yanked before that could happen.

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Charlie Sheen Went To The Hospital After Eating “Bad Clams”

June 10, 2015 / Posted by:

To quote the desperate, hard-up trick who eyes me for a minute while looking for a hook-up at the gay bar: “Um, too easy!

Seen above with his foundation-covered skin looking like the inside of a Whopper, Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital on Monday. Usually when I read the words “Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital,” I assume that his liver once again made a break for it out of his warlock asshole. Or I figure that his nose fell into a porn star’s poon and he went to the hospital to get it re-attached again. But Charlie’s rep, Jeffrey Ballard, tells UsWeekly that he got “food poisoning” after filling his mouth with “bad clams” and he was fine after getting “hydrated” at the hospital. Some source tells TMZ that paramedics took Charlie to the hospital after he complained of having chest pains. If I was telling you this story in person, I’d probably lose a few hundred calories from making so many air quotes with my fingers.

“It was clams, bad clams,” Ballard tells Us. “Nothing too exciting.”

“They checked him out, hydrated him and sent him on his way,” Sheen’s publicist told Us. “He was back home in bed 90 minutes later.”

We shouldn’t make jokes, because this is how Michael Douglas got throat cancer.

And I’m sure the universe will keep on churning out “two easy” nuggets like this and we’ll soon read about how Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Coca-Cola in Peru.

Johnny Depp Is The New Face Of Dior’s Dude Parfum And He Looks Really Happy About It

June 3, 2015 / Posted by:

On the list of “Things You Think Should Be The Face Of A Fragrance,Johnny Depp falls dead last right under “a drunk hobo’s 65-year-old coat that has been pissed on by a bunch of asparagus-eating cats.” But for some reason, Diodor picked Johnny Depp and to introduce him as the face of their dude scent, they chose a greasy picture of him looking like he just cut a nasty one and is trying to blame it on you. Dior squirted up this release:

Today, the house of Dior is pleased to announce Johnny Depp as the face of a new men’s fragrance to be unveiled in September. We take a look at the career path of a highly singular actor.

He has been cinema’s most famous pirate, Jack Sparrow, and the alter ego of the poet William Blake in Dead Man, on the run in the American west. He has been the rookie cop from 21 Jump Street and the bad boy of Cry-Baby; the fantastical creature Edward Scissorhands and a man caught up with the reality of his past in Arizona Dream.

For three generations of viewers, Johnny Depp is an utterly unique Hollywood icon, capable of taking on all roles, from the most realistic characters to the most fantastic figures dreamed up by Tim Burton, and as comfortable in front of the camera of such cutting-edge auteurs as Emir Kusturica or Jim Jarmusch as he is in global blockbusters like Pirates of the Caribbean. Which new character will this legendary actor be playing for Dior? You’ll have to wait until September to find out!

Hmmm… I can think of two reasons why Dior went with the Yorkie smuggler:

1. Their new men’s perfume smells like a mixture of a wet ashtray, a bar-back’s end-of-the-night bin, the blood of an Australian customs official, a tub of cottage cheese that has been left in the backseat of a car in the middle of August, dried neck sweat stuck to an Alexander McQueen scarf and a gallon of boiling armpit foam. In other words, it smells better than half of the colognes out there.

2. Dior wants everyone to know that their new parfum is so strong that it can mask Johnny Depp’s not-so-natural stank!

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