Since Donald Trump was indicted on 34 counts of falsifying business records and was taken in to get his teeny, tiny fingerprints taken yesterday, Americans have been handling this historical event in a few different ways. Some Trump supporters crowded the NYC courthouse and Trump Tower to protest his arrest; some showed up to counter-protest; and many stayed home to process this all in another way: taking to Pornhub to see if Stormy Daniels’ downstairs was worth $130,000 and potential jail time. According to TMZ, Stormy–who’s already making a ton from her “Team Stormy” merch— is also dominating Pornhub during all of this.
Donald Trump Reportedly Asked Twitter To Remove A Mean Comment Chrissy Teigen Tweeted About Him In 2019
I don’t want you all making fun of me, but I logged onto Facebook this morning just to see my memories because that’s a fun little feature I enjoy. So I’m corny, OK. Sue me. But it says that six years ago, I tweeted “.@realDonaldTrump #pettiest. #president. #EVER.” That was 2017, so it’s pretty wild that yesterday, in front of members of the United States Congress, my eerily precinct tweet has been proven to be 100% accurate. Yet, Chrissy Teigen is the one whose 2019 tweet calling the president Donald Trump a “pussy ass bitch,” was read into the official congressional record. And she didn’t even tag his pussy ass! It should have been me, dammit!
Kanye West’s 2024 Presidential Campaign Received $0.00 In Donations Last Year But Paid $142,000 In Expenses
In the immortal words of
2020 Presidential Candidate Christian Genius Billionaire Kanye West, as tweeted on the day of his defeat: Welp. Despite the spectacular reversal of fortune Kanye brought upon himself last year, The Little Rapper That Couldn’t is still trying to climb up to that shining city on the hill to take his seat at the table as the leader of the free world, so that he may deliver to us, as a nation, nude pictures of his ex-wife. However, according to logic and The Daily Beast, his prospects for a successful 2024 campaign are beyond grim. And please know that when I say “successful,” the bar is very low. Kanye’s campaign received not one, single, solitary cent. No need to have him show us his empty pockets. There’s nothing there; not a dollar, not a dime, not a penny. Kanye’s pants are officially penisless. Not a typo.
We know Dr. Dre’s pockets are significantly lighter these days than they were before agreeing to pay his ex-wife $100 million dollars to have her lawyer lose his lawyer’s number. But that doesn’t mean Dre doesn’t have enough pennies left in his war chest to sic his team on Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene for using the beat from Still D.R.E. in a laughably earnest self-promotional video she posted, presumably to highlight her tiresome efforts to secure enough votes to elect Rep. Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House. According to TMZ, “in the video, you see her walking around and feeling herself — even taking a call from “DT” at one point.” Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for us, she wasn’t “feeling herself” in a sexy way, so Dre wasn’t impressed, telling TMZ he doesn’t “license [his] music to politicians, especially someone as divisive and hateful as this one.” To put it more succinctly; she ugly.
George Clooney Was Doubly Honored At The Kennedy Center Honors When Julia Roberts Came Wearing His Face
Last night some of the biggest stars in Hollywood gathered in New York City to rub elbows with the Washington elite at the 45th annual Kennedy Center Honors. Due to the pandemic and former president Donald Trump’s boycott of the awards, this is the first big gala in five years and the stars came dressed to impress. This year’s honorees included Gladys Knight and all four of the Irish Pips, sometimes referred to as U2, Christian pop singer Amy Grant, Cuban American composer-conductor Tania León (not to be confused with Lydia Tár, totally different lady), and Nespresso dude George Clooney. There were a couple of surprises at the ceremony. For one, Sacha Baron Cohen showed up in character as Borat even though I thought we had decided as a group after 2020’s presidential election that satire was dead. Also, there was Emma Roberts’ aunt, actress Julia Roberts, who is, apparently, strangely obsessed with George Clooney.
Tired of feeling insignificant, impotent, and, let’s be frank, ugly, but don’t have $44 billion dollars to throw around? No? How about $20? Surely you must have $20 laying around somewhere. Have you asked your mom? Maybe she could help. Still no?! Jesus, OK. How about $8? Because Elon Musk is really trying here. As it turns out, free speech ain’t free so Elon’s been trying to find a way to monetize it by selling blue checks as a perk for joining Twitter Blue, a subscription service that Elon seems to think will upend the “current lords and peasants system” by allowing everyone the opportunity to become an edgelord for just $8 dollars a month. And that’s his final offer! For less than the cost of a cup of coffee (was in the 80s), you can save yourself from the utter and complete humiliation of being the type of person who would spend $8 a month to share a blue check with intellectual luminaries such as Meghan Markle’s estranged sister Samantha Markle and The United States of America’s estranged former president Donald Trump. You see, Elon did happen to have $44 billion on hand, so he’s all set. But the rest of you uggos are really making things difficult for him.