Kanye West’s 2024 Presidential Campaign Received $0.00 In Donations Last Year But Paid $142,000 In Expenses
In the immortal words of
2020 Presidential Candidate Christian Genius Billionaire Kanye West, as tweeted on the day of his defeat: Welp. Despite the spectacular reversal of fortune Kanye brought upon himself last year, The Little Rapper That Couldn’t is still trying to climb up to that shining city on the hill to take his seat at the table as the leader of the free world, so that he may deliver to us, as a nation, nude pictures of his ex-wife. However, according to logic and The Daily Beast, his prospects for a successful 2024 campaign are beyond grim. And please know that when I say “successful,” the bar is very low. Kanye’s campaign received not one, single, solitary cent. No need to have him show us his empty pockets. There’s nothing there; not a dollar, not a dime, not a penny. Kanye’s pants are officially penisless. Not a typo.
We know Dr. Dre’s pockets are significantly lighter these days than they were before agreeing to pay his ex-wife $100 million dollars to have her lawyer lose his lawyer’s number. But that doesn’t mean Dre doesn’t have enough pennies left in his war chest to sic his team on Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene for using the beat from Still D.R.E. in a laughably earnest self-promotional video she posted, presumably to highlight her tiresome efforts to secure enough votes to elect Rep. Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House. According to TMZ, “in the video, you see her walking around and feeling herself — even taking a call from “DT” at one point.” Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for us, she wasn’t “feeling herself” in a sexy way, so Dre wasn’t impressed, telling TMZ he doesn’t “license [his] music to politicians, especially someone as divisive and hateful as this one.” To put it more succinctly; she ugly.
George Clooney Was Doubly Honored At The Kennedy Center Honors When Julia Roberts Came Wearing His Face
Last night some of the biggest stars in Hollywood gathered in New York City to rub elbows with the Washington elite at the 45th annual Kennedy Center Honors. Due to the pandemic and former president Donald Trump’s boycott of the awards, this is the first big gala in five years and the stars came dressed to impress. This year’s honorees included Gladys Knight and all four of the Irish Pips, sometimes referred to as U2, Christian pop singer Amy Grant, Cuban American composer-conductor Tania León (not to be confused with Lydia Tár, totally different lady), and Nespresso dude George Clooney. There were a couple of surprises at the ceremony. For one, Sacha Baron Cohen showed up in character as Borat even though I thought we had decided as a group after 2020’s presidential election that satire was dead. Also, there was Emma Roberts’ aunt, actress Julia Roberts, who is, apparently, strangely obsessed with George Clooney.
Tired of feeling insignificant, impotent, and, let’s be frank, ugly, but don’t have $44 billion dollars to throw around? No? How about $20? Surely you must have $20 laying around somewhere. Have you asked your mom? Maybe she could help. Still no?! Jesus, OK. How about $8? Because Elon Musk is really trying here. As it turns out, free speech ain’t free so Elon’s been trying to find a way to monetize it by selling blue checks as a perk for joining Twitter Blue, a subscription service that Elon seems to think will upend the “current lords and peasants system” by allowing everyone the opportunity to become an edgelord for just $8 dollars a month. And that’s his final offer! For less than the cost of a cup of coffee (was in the 80s), you can save yourself from the utter and complete humiliation of being the type of person who would spend $8 a month to share a blue check with intellectual luminaries such as Meghan Markle’s estranged sister Samantha Markle and The United States of America’s estranged former president Donald Trump. You see, Elon did happen to have $44 billion on hand, so he’s all set. But the rest of you uggos are really making things difficult for him.
Gary Busey Is Facing Sexual Assault Charges For Allegedly Getting His Grope On A Horror Movie Conference
I’m quite elderly yet I still found myself wracking my brain trying to remember a time when Gary Busey was famous for anything other than frightening small children, older children, easily rattled teens, young adults, the middle-aged and most senior citizens whose eyesight remains keen with his Academy Award-winning smile (Best Advertisement from the Academy of Corrective Dental Surgery). But CNN reminds me that Gary once received an actual Academy Award nomination for playing Buddy Holly in 1978 before becoming a semi-professional realty TV star. I’m not sure if Gary still remembers how to fake his way through a pasodoble, but whatever Donald Trump taught him on Celebrity Apprentice seems to have stuck because Gary is facing “two counts of fourth-degree criminal sexual contact, one count of criminal attempt/criminal sexual contact and one count of harassment” for allegedly groping three women at the Monster Mania Convention in Cherry Hill, New Jersey over the weekend. I guess Gary just wasn’t a big enough star to get away with it.
If you think the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, effectively stripping millions of Americans of the fundamental human right to decide their own fate, is terrifying, infuriating, and overwhelming for the poorest and most marginalized among us, imagine how hard it must be to be a rich and famous men of this country! As of yet, poor people have been presented with two options — vote or die. But because of their wealth and notoriety, the options are practically endless for America’s richest men. Yesterday we learned that a fed-up Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong announced his intention to renounce his citizenship and move his family to the U.K. And on Monday’s Howard Stern Show, Howard Stern tells us that our best option for restoring reproductive freedom in America is for him to run for president. And his campaign slogan? Just a suggestion but how about — Vote for Me or Die, Bitches! What Else Are You Gonna do? Move to Fucking England? With what Money, You Broke Ass Sluts? I dunno, just throwing it out there. It’s no I Like Ike, but it’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?