Twitter continues to be a shitshow. After purchasing the third-tier social platform for $44 billion and quickly setting the advertiser program on fire, Elon Musk has been scrambling to find a way to monetize the site. His beef with the “blue checks” of Twitter, who constantly made fun of him in front of their millions of followers simply forced him to remove the verification tag and make everyone pay for it. Unfortunately, Elon’s masterful gambit didn’t work because, on top of the popular people being very vocal about how dumb his reasoning for removing the checks were, they also decided not to shell out $8 bucks for the modern version of the scarlet letter. Unable to handle being “owned” so publicly, the business titan has begun to pay for celebrities’ Twitter Blue subscriptions. The reaction to the reinstated tags has mainly been terrible.
Donald Trump Reportedly Asked Twitter To Remove A Mean Comment Chrissy Teigen Tweeted About Him In 2019
I don’t want you all making fun of me, but I logged onto Facebook this morning just to see my memories because that’s a fun little feature I enjoy. So I’m corny, OK. Sue me. But it says that six years ago, I tweeted “.@realDonaldTrump #pettiest. #president. #EVER.” That was 2017, so it’s pretty wild that yesterday, in front of members of the United States Congress, my eerily precinct tweet has been proven to be 100% accurate. Yet, Chrissy Teigen is the one whose 2019 tweet calling the president Donald Trump a “pussy ass bitch,” was read into the official congressional record. And she didn’t even tag his pussy ass! It should have been me, dammit!
Cardi B and her jackpot-hitting trophy husband Offset have taken to Twitter once again to engage in one of their favorite recreational activities: TWITTER WARS!! Of course, this is a sport Cardi holds all of the world records in like How To Complain The Most, AND How To Properly Drag Your Fans. And in this latest attempt at bringing home the gold, Cardi and her husband are joining forces to take down his former record label, Quality Control Music, as well as his former manager Pierre “Pee” Thomas (yes, “Pee“) as they try to slam Offset after he left their label to begin his inevitable solo career.
It’s abundantly clear that Elon Musk doesn’t follow the advice of counsel, otherwise he wouldn’t be pumping his employees full of his “alien” seed. I shudder to think of how much money he wastes on high-powered attorneys just so he can call them into his office and make direct eye contact with them while taking an enormous dump on his own desk. This week Elon’s legal team probably suited up and rubbed some camphor under their noses before stepping into his office to tell him it’s not a great idea to challenge Twitter CEO Parag Agrawal to a public debate about the number of bot and spam accounts on the platform two months ahead of the trial in which Twitter is seeking for force him to uphold his contractual obligation to buy the company for $44 billion. But Elon just stared at them with his beady little eyes and squeezed one out while tweeting “I hereby challenge @paraga to a public debate about the Twitter bot percentage.” Look, I talk a lot of shit about Elon but he’s not completely devoid of skills. Tweeting while shitting is easy, but being able to tweet while shitting on a desk in front of an audience is why Elon stays a #winner.
While Elon Musk is busy filming a remake of The Island of Dr. Moreau on a yacht in Greece this week, a judge in Delaware has sided with Twitter and granted the company an expedited five-day trial to begin in October. Twitter is suing Elon for saying “psyche!” after entering into a contract to buy the company for $44 billion. According to Reuters, Elon had requested a February 2023 start to give his team time to launch an “extensive investigation into the true number” of droids he was looking for, whereas Twitter argued for a September date in order to minimize the damage any delays might have on their bottom line. This means Elon only has a few more months to complete his vivisection and fertility experiments on his monkeys before he’s due in court.
Twitter is finally taking steps to rid itself of its troll problem. Well, not all the trolls obviously, some I imagine are useful for traffic, but the big ugly one that has been running around leaving poop emojis in their corporate offices must be stopped. As expected, after Elon Musk officially withdrew from his acquisition agreement to buy the company for $44 billion, Twitter has released an army of lawyers armed with big words highlighter pens and filed a lawsuit against Elon to “compel consummation of the merger,” in the hopes that he won’t shit where he eats, I guess. Jokes on them though since trolls as nasty as Elon will happily eat their own shit for lols, even if it costs them a $1 billion breakup fee.