Category: Joe Jonas
Joe Jonas Is Still Talking About His Dick
And I still write about Joe Jonas talking about his dick because dick.
Seen above demonstrating my favorite way to pop pimples, Joe Jonas did a Reddit Ask Me Anything (via Vulture) yesterday and he spilled out the name of who fucked his purity ring off and also said the same thing he said to Andy Cohen last July: he’d like to believe he’s got the biggest dick out of all his brothers. You know, these Jonas Brothers keep pandering to us peen lovers by talking about which one of them has got the biggest dick. They need to settle this already in an HD pay-per-view dick measuring event. I volunteer to be the ruler. In the meantime, after the cut are the answers that Joe dribbled out when asked about his peen, his brother’s nipples, his man crushes and more.
Who Worked It Better?
I know it’s redundant of me to even ask, because we all know that Sue Ellen Mischke from Seinfeld has, is, and forever will always work the bra-under-a-blazer look the best. But Amber Rose is coming in a very close second. We all know that Amber Rose has a habit of bringing ten tons of jaw-dropping eleganza to the MTV VMAs. Sometimes she goes straight-up stripper, other times she keeps it a little more demure. This year she went tasteful and sophisticated with just a hint of “Oh, these?”
FYI: Joe Jonas Has The Biggest JoBro Dick
Fresh off from spreading his nipples all over social media, 26-year-old Joe Jonas slid into Andy Cohen’s clubhouse last night (no, not like that) to promote something or another, and as model Ashley Graham sat next to him, he played a little game of Plead the Fifth. During the game, the shifty Siamese Cat in a suit asked Joe to play “Shag Marry Kill” with his ex pieces Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift and Gigi Hadid. Joe said he’d marry Demi, fuck Taylor and kill Gigi. I figure that Taylor’s idea of “fucking” is cuddling while making shadow puppets on the ceiling, so okay, Joe. But Before that little game of FMK, Andy asked Joe which JoBro’s peen situation is the largest. Andy asked Nick Jonas the same question a few weeks ago, and surprisingly the master gay baiter pleaded the fifth. But Joe answered by saying, “This is Nick’s words not mine, but he said he was going to say me, so I’d say me.”
Well, Joe just gave sick bitches who are into gay incest porn some material to fap to by painting the image of all of the Jonas Brothers comparing peens.
Andy Cohen supposedly has a degree in journalism, but I couldn’t tell based on that clip. The part about Joe’s dick size was unprofessional, sloppy, amateur and it really offended me. I mean, Andy didn’t ask any follow-up questions! Every journalism major knows that when your interview subject tells you that he’s got the biggest dick in his family, you don’t just move along. You say, “How long? How thick? If you don’t know, I’ve tattooed a ruler on the inside of my mouth and we can check in the bathroom during commercial break.” If Barbara Walters watched last night, she was probably so embarrassed for Andy. Even Barbara would’ve followed-up with, “Okay, Joe, if your dick was a tree, what kind of tree would it be?“
Open Post: Hosted By Joe Jonas’ Nipples
26-year-old Joe Jonas wanted to remind everyone that his little brother Nick isn’t the only Jonas who has man nipples and knows how to use them to get those Instagram likes. Joe covered all of the bases this weekend when he put this portrait of his waxed nipple knobs on Snapchat, Instagram and Twatter. Joe wanted as many eyeballs as possible to get a taste of his pec knobs and since I will post a picture of nipples belonging to absolutely anyone (see: Geraldo Rivera’s nipples), I am re-posting his pic here.
Joe posted this picture while at a photo shoot, and it feels like he’s trying to give us forlorn sexyface, but instead he’s giving us “sad doggy trying to guilt trip you into giving him a piece of your steak.” That picture is the kind of a picture a dude puts on Grindr when he wants to come off all deep, but sexy-like, and his profile would have a really thoughtful quote like this:
“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” – Kneechee or some other dude like that, I don’t know
I know, I have a lot of thoughts about a damn shirtless picture of Joe Jonas. But I have one more and this one’s important. If nipples are the eyes of the torso, why doesn’t Joe’s nipples also have a pair of lusciously furry brows above them? Joe’s chest eyes look so sad and bare without a pair of hairy valances decorating them. That’s a tragedy.
And here’s Joe with his DNCE bandmates hosting a pool party at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas while looking like they were just kicked out of Coachella 1989.
How Will Any Of Us Find The Will To Go On Now That Joe Jonas And Gigi Hadid’s Love Has Died?
My headline should’ve been: WARNING – Cover Your Keyboard With Saran Wrap Before Reading This Sadness. Because that headline probably made you cry gallons of sad tears onto your keyboard and now it’s about as dead as the meaning of everlasting love.
26-year-old Joe Jonas and 20-year-old model type Gigi Hadid have apparently broken up after a few months of being a thing. My condolences goes out to Joe Jonas’ manager for not being able to get Gigi Hadid to sign an extension in their short-term relationship contract. A source tells People that Joe and Gigi just couldn’t make it work, because she was too busy modeling and posting pictures on Instagram and he was too busy keeping keeping his gorgeous caterpillar brows fat and shiny by feeding them lettuce.
“Joe and Gigi’s relationship recently ended. Nothing serious happened … it wasn’t a dramatic break up. It was just hard to make it work with their schedules. They will definitely remain friends.”
Joe and Gigi started dating in the summer, but he wanted to date her much, much earlier. Joe was a teenage PedoBear (a PedoTeddy?), because he first asked Gigi “out” when she was 13 and he was 19.
We’re the ones who really got cheated here. I mean, Joe and Gigi were together for five whole months and we never got a fake rumor about how they made a sex tape where she takes a strap-on to his furry ass after paddling his nalgas. What a disappointment. We were counting on you, Joe!
But you know, we shouldn’t be so hard on him. He’s obviously drowning in an ocean of sads after breaking up with Gigi. On Halloween, Joe and his new band did a cover of Adele’s “Hello” and he warbled it out while dressed up as a terrifying clown. This whole cover of “Hello” makes me want to say “Goodbye.” Click play on the video below if you feel like letting your ears know that you hate them today. Those high notes. I bet that’s what he sounded like as he got spanked in the sex tape that never was.
And here’s Gigi and her brother going to Kendull Jenner’s birthday party the other night.
SNL Welcomed Tracy Morgan (And Brian Fellow) Back Last Night
Tracy Morgan returned to SNL last night, and he seemed pretty well recovered from his horrific bus accident back in June of 2014. Once you hear that someone sustained brain damage, you automatically cringe and think they’re screwed for life. He seems like he’s doing ok. Morgan joked that he thinks he actually might have gained a few IQ points since the crash.
Welcome back, Tracy. Hopefully the accident knocked that intent to stab your son to death if he ever came out as gay out of your head. (Yes, the chip on my shoulder is massive. I’m working on it in therapy.)
The cast of 30 Rock united for the cold open (except for Lutz which was a damn shame):
And Tracy Morgan also resurrected Brian Fellow! (Note from Michael: That attention whoring camel really needs to be a regular cast member):
And here’s Tracy, his wife Megan Wollover, Bernie Sanders Larry David, Jane Krakowski, two Jonai, Demi Lovato and Gigi Hadid outside of the after-party.
Pics: INFPhoto.com