Joe Jonas And Bland Eggs’ Long-Term Contract Expired

Dear aspiring beards, immediately update your headshot with Kelly Preston’s Beard Placement Agency, because Joe Jonas is back out on the stroll now that he’s done with the Swedish model/graphic designer whose name sounds like the name of a character McDonald’s invented to sell their McEggs Benedict, or like the name of a dirty, messy sex act involving unsalted egg whites and a fist.

UsWeekly says that 24-year-old Joe Jonas and 30-year-old Blanda Eggenschwiler (whose name translates into “egg white omelet hold the salt” in the Norrland dialect) are over after almost 2 years together. It’s a sad day for the meaning of true love when Joe Jonas and a beard can’t come to an agreement during contract re-negotiations. Bland Eggs and Joe Jonas met through a “mutual friend”  in November 2012. Joe’s rep confirms to UsWeekly that he shaved Bland Eggs off of his face. The rep also spit out the same canned, generic response that every spokewhore spits out when a famous ho breaks up with their piece:

“Joe and Blanda have mutually decided to part ways. The split was amicable and the two remain friends, with great respect for one another.”

Some source tells E! that Joe and Bland Eggs broke up, because they wanted to do new things and that’s WAY too easy.

“It was mutual. They both wanted to do new things. Joe wants to be single right now and they thought it was better if they are just friends.”

While Joe and Bland Eggs were together, Blind Gossip hocked up blind item after blind item about how he’s a dragon-chasing heroin addict and she’s his supplier. I always side-eyed those blind items, because Joe Jonas’ eyebrows have always been as luscious as a black bear’s landing strip and doesn’t heroin eat your eyebrows first? Or am I confusing it with meth?

But seriously, they had a good run and they should’ve broken up after that sex tape rumor, because their relationship peaked when we all pictured Bland Eggs doing Joe Jonas with a long, fat dildo as he bit onto his purity ring.

And Bland Eggs should date and marry Arnold Schwarzenegger next, so her name can be Blanda Eggenschwiler-Schwarzenegger

The Fauxhemian Hippies Have Descended Upon Coachella

And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”

Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.

I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:

Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.

Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:

Pics: Splash, Wenn

Joe Jonas Dropped Out Of The Purity Ring Mafia When He Was 20

In an essay in New York Magazine, Joe Jonas spills about his life as a Disney child whore and admits to turning in his V-card when he was 20 and toking on the good shit with Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato. For years, Mickey Mouse raised his pimp hand at Joe Jonas and wouldn’t let that child grow a beard (too easy) or let Nick Jonas do kissing scenes on their Disney show, so now he’s really trying to shed whatever’s left of his wholesome ho image. That hard pimp Mickey Mouse is not going to be happy about this and I’m sure he’s going to call his former ho up and say, “You better learn to sell pussy in Iceland because if I ever see you again I’m going to cut your fuckin’ throat!”

Joe says that when Vanessa Hudgens’ naked pictures leaked in 2007, the Disney execs told him and his brothers that they were happy they never fucked up. Joe, Nick and Kevin were always afraid of screwing up. The purity ring he started wearing when he was 10 didn’t help shit. Joe says that he and his brothers put on the rings when they joined some Jesus freak program called True Love Waits, where you promise to wait to get married before fucking. Because of the rings and Disney, they couldn’t really sing about anything that had to do with sex shit. Joe took off his purity ring a few years ago (and I’m sure he turned it into an anus ring).

“We decided to take the rings off a few years ago. I lost my virginity when I was 20. I did other stuff before then, but I was sexually active at 20. I’m glad I waited for the right person, because you look back and you go, ‘That girl was batshit crazy. I’m glad I didn’t go there.’

Joe has had contracts with has dated Demi Lovato, Ashley Greene, Camilla Belle and Taylor Swift. It’s not hard to guess which one is the “batshit crazy” one in that group. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s Taylor. It’s Taylor.)

Joe also claims that the first time his lips touched the good shit, he was 17:

“The first time I smoked weed was with Demi and Miley. I must have been 17 or 18. They kept saying, ‘Try it! Try it!’ so I gave it a shot, and it was all right. I don’t even smoke weed that often anymore. I was caught drinking when I was 16 or 17, and I thought the world was going to collapse. But I was in another country, and it was legal there. My 21st birthday, I fell down a flight of stairs. I was unconscious that time, and my whole team was scared to death that somebody was going to get a picture. Now I appreciate wine or a vodka-soda at the end of the day every once in a while.”

So Joe Jonas lost his virginity at the age of 20, smoked weed with Miley when he was 17 and he drinks wine every now and again. THAT’S IT?! That’s the scandal? I guess the part where he said that his girlfriend injects heroin into his eyeball after pegging with him a Mickey Mouse dildo got cut from the final draft.

And back to that “Disney made me shave my beard” thing. I worked at Disneyland for about two seconds and I had to keep my face clean shaven and got in trouble if I didn’t have a smile on my face. So I sort of know how Joe feels, but the difference is that he got paid millions of dollars and I got minimum wage. So boo hoo on you, bitch!

Here’s Joe looking like a clearance bin Freddie Mercury impersonator while leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood with his piece Blanda Eggandsausagesorwhatever.

Pics: Splash

Is The Bad Shit The Reason Why The Jonas Brothers Killed Their Tour?

When the Jonas Brothers’ manager dried up the coochies of their fans by announcing that their 19-date tour wasn’t going to happen, many of us figured it was because they didn’t want to play to venues as empty as Kevin Jonas’ stomach after he throws everything up from seeing his wife’s bare twat. The JoBros’ manager blamed the tour’s cancellation on the brothers fighting over which direction their music should go. But for the past few days, Joe Jonas has been seen with a dude who is a known addiction specialist and helped Demi Lovato dry up.

TMZ says the dude’s name is Mike Bayer and he’s the founder and CEO of Cast Recovery Services. Last night in L.A., Mike, Joe and Kevin left Lindsay Lohan’s rehab facility of choice, Chateau Marmont, together. Blind Gossip claims that the bad shit is fucking with Joe’s life and during the past year he’s been skipping after the dragon by doing heroin with his girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler. (Warning: If you happen to be reading this at a German restaurant, don’t say that name out loud unless you want to order the brunch special.)

A source told Blind Gossip that Joe’s dad knows about his problem with heroin, but doesn’t want him to go to rehab, because he’s afraid that it will ruin the group’s “wholesome” image and fans will turn against them. Joe finally went against his daddy’s wishes and told him he was taking his ass to rehab. The group’s team spun it to make it look like they were canceling the tour due to “creative differences.”

Daddy Jonas must be snorting, smoking, injecting, fucking, sucking, eating and swallowing heroin himself if he thinks that his little money makers still have a wholesome image and that fans would be surprised by this. You’re in the minority if you were part of the Disney whore machine and weren’t a total mess at least once in your life. Drug dealers regularly watch the Disney Channel to get to know their future clients. Disney fucks kids up and all of us have known that for centuries.

And if Joe isn’t addicted to the bad shit, he has a funny way of shooting down the rumors. Because coming out of Chateau Marmont with strung out eyes and a Jim Morrison t-shirt on your body is one way to say, “I love drugs!”

Pics: Pacific Coast News

Nick Jonas Got Himself A New Piece

With The Silver Fox and Frank Ocean coming out in the same week, professional beards everywhere are shaking out of fear that this will inspire closeted queens to also come out and then their jobs will be in danger. But you can always count on tricks like Joe Jonas to keep the beard economy alive! Joe traded his usual partner in struttin’, this hot piece right here, for a new ho (literally, a new ho, but I’ll get to that later) and the two of them walked around in Manhattan the other day with his parents and his brother Nick Jonas. How and when did Nick Jonas go from looking like a meek, weak toddler bird to looking like THIS? Dude used to look like a Twinkie without any cream filling and now he looks like a   hot dog puffing up in the microwave. And I am not trying to look at Nick Jonas’ bulge, but it’s kind of hard since you can almost see the outline of his purity cock ring.

Now, back to Joe’s latest rent-a-beard. I approve of her for one simple fact. Her name is:

NATASHIA HO!

She had me at HO.

Strut, Pout, Put It Out!

Now that Joe Jonas is living in New York City, the city should really designate parts of the sidewalk as “The Joe Jonas Only Lane,” because hos need to get out of the way when he busts out his signature swish sway strut. Naomi Campbell who? Joe and a hot friend sashayed and shante’d through SoHo yesterday afternoon and time stood still when everyone dropped their sunglasses to gaze at the strut show while men in business suits sang out, “Whoooooooooo’s that laaaaadaaaaaaay?” Joe’s pearl diggers (Do you really think he’s digging clams in that outfit?) tell me that he wanted to keep his ankles free to really make each step pop!

No Joe Jonas strut show is complete without a theme song, so press play and get your snappin’ fingers ready:

“Honey, don’t stop a speeding train before it reaches its destination.” It’s like 1980s Sheena Easton was a visitor from the future and thought about Joe Jonas’ strut when she sang out that lyric. No truer words have ever been sung.