Mel B’s book Brutally Honest is coming out soon, and she and the publishers are selling it like a Mary Kay saleswoman circa 1987 who is just 50 Magic Masques away from getting that pink Cadillac. They’re releasing excerpts from her book that are a mixture of disturbing and ESCANDALOSO like how she snorted six lines of coke a day during The X Factor and was left traumatized after having to watch the dozens of illegal sex tapes her smegma bubble of an ex-husband made without her consent. But the story that made me stop, drop, and roll was the one about how Mel B supposedly met up with two famous dudes after meeting them on a secret hookup website where single famous men allegedly post dick pics.
So Scary Spice is telling me that somewhere on the internet exists a place where there’s picture after picture of a hard dick of a celebrity and the celebrity posts it himself? Does the site’s intro page look like this?
Chris Pine Wants To Have A Serious Conversation About Why His Dick (Which Matches Michael Fassbender’s, By The Way) Is Getting Attention
- That Medieval Times Movie On Netflix Where Chris Pine Shows His Crotch Monster And Dick Shrub (yes, that’s the movie’s official title, I checked) hasn’t come out yet even though it feels like we’ve been talking about it since the 14th century, which is the time that movie takes place. It comes out this week.
- Chris Pine told the Press Association that he wishes we could have a serious conversation about why we’re talking about his dick, but instead people are making jokes like horny tweens. But a second later, he joked that his dick is as gloriously peentacular as Michael Fassbender’s dick is in Shame.
So I’m not sure if Chris Pine doesn’t want us to joke about his dick or does want us to joke about his dick, but I do know that he’s talking about his dick, so let’s all talk about his dick!
If you are the type of person who gets moisty for a pair of perfectly combed caterpillar eyebrows, piercing blue eyes and a strong jaw line, whip out your calendar and circle November 9th with a red poster board size Sharpie. The good news is that on November 9th, Chris Pine‘s new movie Outlaw King will be released. As some of us already know, it features him butt naked, dangly bits and all. The best news is that it will be released on Netflix so you can enjoy it in the privacy of your own home.
Chris was a guest on The Graham Norton Show last night, and while sandwiched between Sally Field and Rami Malek (that’s a sandwich I would order twice), Graham pressed him about the recent Twitterverse responses to his naked appearance in Outlaw King.
When it comes time for us gays to be thrown into the camps, Jabba the Trump better give me the middle bunk between Ricky Martin and his hot piece of a husband for copy and pasting a Mario Kart Mushroom that is six times bigger than what Stormy Daniels claims he’s working with for real.
“Mario Kart” has been trending all day today, and at first I figured it was because there’s a new game, or it’s the anniversary of that shit, or maybe Super Mario was killed off in a tragic kart accident. It’s a billion times worse than the last one. “Where were you the day you clicked on Mario Kart on Twitter” is the moment that will haunt us all thanks to Stormy Daniels’ evil ass.
The real tale as old as time around kids cartoons is the one where countless smartass illustrators take out frustrations/get some LOLs by drawing inappropriate shit in your three-year-old’s favorite show. So it should not come as a shock that a big ol’ illustrated sausage found its way into Maya the Bee. And Maya’s bosses at Netflix ain’t happy about it.
I’m pressing pause on my regularly scheduled program of making bad dick jokes and slobbering at the mouth about dick like dick is the only thing that matters (it is) to bring you pictures of an actual dick!
Milan Christopher is an out and proud hip-hop artiste, model and Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood cast member, and he decided to celebrate Gay Pride Month by bringing out the Wienerschnitzel franchise on his crotch for Paper Magazine. Milan tells Paper that he decided to let his south-pointing lubed-up salchicha hang out for the sake of activism. Milan feels like it’s time for society to be okay with the sight of a greased-up naked man. Sure, Milan bared his perfectly pruned dick shrub (which is giving me Kid from Kid ‘N Play meets Bart Simpson) and oily peen for attention, but he is still my hero. Anybody who uses his big dick as a sledgehammer to break down barriers and pave the way for more dicks in photo shoots is a real vanguard to me. Milan is putting the PEEN in pioneer. NSFWness ahead.