Somewhere in The Voice’s studios, Carson Daly and Nick Jonas are each wrapped in a comforting Snuggie and throwing flaming stank eyes at their show’s PR team for somehow managing to get People Magazine to name fucking Blake Shelton and Adam Levine its Sexiest Man Alive but yet they remain unsexy chopped liver! Because People has named its Sexiest Man Alive! for 2020 and it isn’t a dude who gets a check for spinning in that red chair. And yes, Michael B. Jordan is a man, is sexy, and is Alive!, but if People gave Gritty that title, we’d all shrug and go, “I’m no furry, but still better than Blake Shelton.”
Because we’re still balls deep in a pandemic (actually, the pandemic is balls deep in us), I was expecting to see Dr. Fauci laid out on the cover of People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue with nothing but a stethoscope and a mask on as Pfizer and Moderna’s vaccines are sprinkled around him. But I guess Dr. Fauci’s PR team doesn’t work nearly as hard as Michael B. Jordan’s.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, Jimmy Kimmel brought out People’s Sexiest Man Alive of 2020 who was disguised in a Hazmat suit. During these times of corona, seeing a man in a Hazmat suit gives many the crotch slobbers, so People could’ve just put a dude in a Hazmat suit on the cover and called it good. But after a little guessing game with audience members, 33-year-old Michael B. Jordan took off his Hazmat head-cover-thing and revealed that People didn’t go with 2020’s theme of WTF? by actually going with a good choice:
Last year’s Sexiest Man Alive was John Legend (also a dude from The Voice), and in the years before that, it was Idris Elba, Blake Shelton, The Rock, David Beckham, Chris Hemsworth, Adam Levine, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, and Ryan Reynolds.
Reggie #2 from All My Children eventually took off that corona-blocking yellow tarp condom and made many squirt out a crotch nog geyser by working a silky nutmeg ganache turtleneck while talking to Jimmy about being sexy:
And in his interview with People, Michael said that his grandmother’s probably going to tape his Sexiest Man Alive cover on the wall in her suite in heaven, and the other women in his life are also probably excited (and his mom is probably extra excited because she doesn’t have to refer to him as “Your Sexiest Highness” while folding his turtlenecks since his ass finally moved out!):
As for who will be most excited for his new title, Jordan insists the women in his family “are definitely proud of this one,” he says. “When my grandmother was alive, it was something that she collected, and then my mom naturally reads it a lot and my aunts as well. This is one that they’re definitely going to have a special place for.”
Well, the biggest congratulations has to go to the orthodontist of the teenager whose retainer was destroyed because she clenched her teeth so hard when Michael B. Jordan brought his nipples out in Black Panther. “I’ve been waiting for you, here’s the estimate” is what her orthodontist will say when she walks in with a pile of mutilated retainer parts in her hands.
Pic: Joshua Kissi/People