Quavo Huncho, 1/3 of the golden triangle that is Migos (not to be confused with the dudes that make up Casamigos tequila), pissed people off by posting a video on Instagram, which is a 100% sure fire way to piss people off. Even adorable kitten videos are not safe from people’s negative opinions these days. However, the video Quavo posted isn’t like most kitten videos… think much bigger, non-domesticated and in threat of becoming endangered. It’s a tiger video. Quavo claims he just bought a tiger named “Cho” as a pet. The majority of people weighing in are rightfully pissed off about it.
As if losing an hour of sleep for daylight savings time wasn’t the most INSUFFERABLE thing about this day already, Saturday Night Live just went and made the weekend worse with their GOOP parody on Weekend Update. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that they brought Gwyneth Paltrow on as a surprise guest to make fun of her to her face yet failed by pulling back on all of their punches, or that they failed to offer a mock PSA on the benefits of steaming one’s vagina while simultaneously boiling water for making organic zucchini spaghetti. Major missed opportunity.
Because “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” is the hillbilly second cousin of “if it wasn’t tweeted, the thought is deleted” or “if it’s not in a insta story, the bitch isn’t really sorry” (read in a Canadian accent to rhyme “story” with “sorry“), Jennie Garth is getting shit from people for not joining some of her 90210 cast mates in posting photos of Luke Perry with kind words on social media following his death on March 4. And because this is Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay we are talking about, mourning “Team Brenda” fans are taking this opportunity to tell Jennie what a who-re she is, which has her clapping back.
While leaving the office of her stylist Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe in L.A. on Friday, Jennifer Lawrence, who was dressed like the lost member of One Direction, continued her love-filled love affair with the paparazzi by hitting their lenses with a fuck you umbrella. I was all about that umbrella until 2 things happened:
1. I found out that umbrella cost 45 goddamn dollars and I’d never spend that kind of coin on an umbrella especially since I already have a pile of half-broken bodega umbrellas I dragged with me from NYC. It never rains here, so I only pull those umbrellas out when RiRi’s “Umbrella” plays on iTunes and I need a prop to dance around with.
2. I realized that if it does actually rain on Jennifer Lawrence’s head, that umbrella will become an aggressive, dark-sided, unholy threatening tool against the gods when she holds it the way it’s supposed to be held. It’ll flip off the angels up in heaven! (Lucifer’s mistress, Pimp Mama Kris, just bought 100 of them, thankyouverymuch.) Although, like I said up above, JLaw’s never going to do that since the closest she’ll ever get to getting rained on in L.A. is if she’s stopped at a red light with her car window down and the dumb piece of trash next to her decides it’s a really good time to wash his windshield and that washer fluid splashes all over her. It’s happened to me once and I still spend many sleepless nights trying to track down that motherfucker so I can get revenge.
It was nice of JLaw to give her middle finger the day off. Usually JLaw uses her actual middle finger to tell the paps how much she loves them. Because she’s been dating Chris Martin, her middle finger is probably exhausted and tired since she regularly uses it to pop his stuck doody bubbles after he makes up for lost times by filling his mouth hole with Arby’s and Taco Bell. So it was very considerate of her to give her middle finger a break on Friday.
Speaking of Chris Martin, if you want to see the $8 million Beverly Hills house that will soon be filled the sound of his farts (which sound like Bono’s farts except whinier if you can believe that), click here.
If you have a painfully infected ingrown ass hair that’s getting more red and weepy and swollen with each passing day, do it a favor and turn around (you’ll find a way; love always finds a way), give it a big hug and a kiss, and thank it for not being nearly as annoying and awful as Shia LaDouche. And then get to a doctor asap and have them amputate your butt before that thing grows legs, develops a half-formed sentient brain and a dirt stache, and names itself Shia LaBeouf Jr.
After dropping his pants and fouling the city of Berlin with a giant fame-whore dump that even Kris Jenner would have thought could have been a little less desperate, Louis Stevens returned home to Los Angeles to begin setting up a week-long LOOK AT ME stunt queen show at the Cohen Gallery. According to The Daily Beast, when you arrive at the show – titled #IAMSORRY (more like #IAMSTUPID) you are taken into a room where a table is laid out with items from Shia’s career; a Trasformer (for Transformers), a whip (Indiana Jones), a bowl of hateful tweets, etc. You select an item (no, you can’t select a gun to your mouth, you have to pick what’s on the table) and enter another room where Shia is waiting at a table in a tux with a paper bag over his head. Then you sit there asking him questions or whatever and he sits silently and doesn’t respond. Several people have asked him to remove the paper bag, and when he does, they see that he’s been pushing out salty ones from his eye-holes the whole time. Then they rush back to that first room and search the table to see if there actually was a gun they could use, but not on themselves.
Oh my god, WE GET IT, you twat! You don’t need to remind us every six seconds that you’re an annoying prick. What do you want, a medal or a trophy or something? Look, if I spray paint a bottle of Summer’s Eve gold, glue it to a wooden base, and publicly present you with the USELESS DOUCHEBAG LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD will you go away?
Here’s more of Shia at LAX after returning home from the Berlin Film Festival before he shocks me shocks me shocks me with that deviant art behavior. Two questions:
1. Why is he wearing the exact same outfit he wore literally a day earlier? Is this some art stunt shit too? Ugh, PROBABLY.
2. How much do you think those corduroy jeggins smell like swamp ass and nut-fog? Oh my god, SO much, right?
(Pics: The Daily Beast, Splash)
Even though he PROMISED he was pulling the train into the station, the Shia LaBeouf Shitstain Express just keeps on a-chuggin with no end in sight. On Sunday, The Artist Formerly Known As Louis Stevens joined the cast of Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac (aka the movie you’re going to secretly watch in the privacy of your own home while clutching a barf bucket) for a press conference at the Berlin International Film Festival. Shia, who’s so notoriously over-it, showed up looking disheveled, thin, and missing a tooth, and decided to leave after answering just one question. When asked about his multiple sex scenes in the movie, Shia answered:
“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much.”
Although I’m not sure we can categorized what he said as an answer; I know the NY Daily News says he was quoting French soccer player Eric Cantona from the film Looking For Eric, but it sounded more like the rantings of an annoying, paint-huffing dirtbag. And in other news, what weird bizarro-world are we living in where a five-and-a-half-hour movie about hardcore fucking has to fight for publicity with the kid from Transformers?
After he left the panel, I was crossing my fingers for news that he walked off stage and fell directly into a black hole where he’d be lost forever, but sadly no. Later that evening, Shia returned to walk the red carpet and prove again just how over-it he is:
Oh, fuck right off, you little wanker. You’re pulling this stunt-queen shit now, but let’s see how into paper bag masks you’ll be in 2019 when you’re begging your agent for a cameo in an upcoming direct-to-DVD Transformers film.
Here’s more of Shia wearing his meticulously-crafted publicity stunt, as well as a pre-seagull rant Shia, looking like the park ranger most likely to be fired after a family of four catch him fucking squirrels in their tent: