Category: Animal Control Is On Line One

CeeLo Green Fell Off A Poor Horse At Shawty Lo’s Birthday Party

March 23, 2023 / Posted by:

CeeLo Green once said, “Yeah, I’m sorry, I can’t afford a Ferrari,” so instead, he decided to pull up to the club on a horse. In the past few years, CeeLo’s career took a tumble when he pleaded no contest in 2014 to furnishing a controlled substance to a woman who accused him of drugging and sexually assaulting her, which ultimately lost him his gig on The Voice. Now once again, CeeLo fell from grace after falling off a horse while making an entrance into an Atlanta nightclub last night for Shawty Lo’s birthday- and no, the horse’s name isn’t grace.

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Open Post: Hosted By Rick Ross’ Roaming Buffaloes Pissing Off His Neighbor

March 21, 2023 / Posted by:

Though Rick Ross, a grunting, sleepy-eyed rapper with titties to match, has deemed himself the “Biggest Boss,” he’s somehow unable to manage the several buffaloes that live at his massive estate he calls “The Promise Land” in Fayetteville, GA. The buffaloes got out of their enclosure a few days ago and have been grazing on the property of a nearby neighbor, who is not having it.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Mom Who Saved Her Daughter From A Raccoon Attack

December 5, 2022 / Posted by:

I live in Toronto, where raccoons outnumber people 5 to 1* (a la New Zealanders and sheep), and so far, I haven’t had any negative experiences. Most of the raccoons are just cute lil’ garbage-eatin’ bumblers. But this isn’t always the case. See: the MacNamara family’s recent fight for their lives in Ashford, Connecticut. People reports that last Friday morning, 5-year-old Rylee was standing on her front porch when a raging raccoon randomly attacked her leg. Rylee screamed for help, and her mother, Logan Kelsey MacNamara, ran outside to save the day. Logan pulled the critter off Rylee’s leg, pushed her inside, and flung the vicious raccoon onto the lawn. After Logan got back inside her house, the raccoon picked himself off the grass and continued on his merry way. Another day, another terrorized family!

*a totally made-up statistic Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By The Two Pythons Found Mating Behind A Woman’s Microwave

November 6, 2022 / Posted by:

Australia is known for many things. Laid back people, idyllic beaches, desolate yet awe-inspiring landscapes, and dangerous animals that can kill you in an instant. An Australian woman discovered not one but TWO of these such animals in her kitchen. Two pythons had made their way into her house and settled behind the microwave. But instead of plotting a murder, the reptiles decided to get down to business and do the dirty. How rude! You don’t do that in a stranger’s house. You reserve that kind of behavior for an alleyway or the back of a car!

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Open Post: Hosted By Shoebert, The Fugitive Seal Surrendering To Police

September 25, 2022 / Posted by:

A fugitive that has been aimlessly wandering the state of Massachusetts has finally been apprehended. No, it’s not former Pat Tom Brady trying to escape his family in Florida. It’s Shoebert, the renegade seal. He was found haunting Shoe Pond in the city of Beverly for about a month and finally after multiple attempts featuring giant cartoon-like nets, the police have him in custody. Don’t let the sweet face fool you. This seal is a hardened criminal!

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Open Post: Hosted By The 500-Pound Bear, Hank The Tank, Who Has Broken Into Dozens Of Homes In Lake Tahoe

February 22, 2022 / Posted by:

Yogi Bear and that little bitch Boo-Boo can get fucked. NPR reports that there’s a brand new bumbling sustenance-stealer on the scene! Introducing Hank the Tank, the 500-pound black bear who’s broken into at least 28 South Lake Tahoe homes in a never-ending quest for food. The California Department of Fish and Wildlife explains that Hank is a “severely food-habituated bear,” meaning he’s not afraid of people and he associates them with access to food. They say that Hank uses his “immense size and strength” to break into houses through front doors and garage doors. Ah, the Kool-Aid Man method. I know it well. Continue reading

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