Looks like the director of Call Me By Your Name accidentally created a self-fulfilling prophecy. But luckily for him, the shitstorm he tried to avoid ended up happening after his movie made a lot of money and accolades. James Ivory, who wrote the screenplay for CMBYN, has a new memoir out next week called Solid Ivory, and in it, he talked about how Shia LaBeouf almost got the lead in the movie but the director of the film, Luca Guadagnino instead gave it to Armie Hammer. Why? Because Shia had some “bad publicity.” Oh good, since Armie Hammer was so squeaky clean… until the horrible abuse accusations.
Not even a pandemic and a quarantine is going to keep Shia LaBeouf from allegedly throwing down some full-throttle asshole foolery on the streets. Seen above looking like he’s angrily asking you to pull his finger, Shia has been accused of getting violent with a guy during a fight in Los Angeles in June. And now he’s facing charges. After watching Shia “act” every layer of stoned as Jeff Spicoli in that Fast Times reading, I figured that maybe, just maybe, as he gets older, he’s mellowing out on a fluffy cloud of the green shit. But well, LaBeouf is LaBeef-ing again.
Shia LaBeouf is very, very sorry. He’s ashamed of his behavior and “his outright disrespect for authority is problematic to say the least.”
Yesterday, after suuuuuuuuuuper cringy body cam footage emerged of his arrest on charges of disorderly conduct, public drunkenness and obstruction, Shia issued a predictable, measured apology on Twitter.
Las Vegas has long been known as the HIGH ART capital of the world, so it’s not a surprise that Summer’s Eve’s favorite artist Shia LaBeouf (sorry, James Franco) would choose it as the place to perform his latest art piece that I’d like to call “This Is Not Going To End Well.” Shia and his on-and-off-again brow-less piece Mia Goth got married by an Elvis impersonator in a ceremony that was livestreamed on TMZ. If Pimp Mama Kris had a heart, it would break by the heavy weight of betrayal from Harvey Levin letting someone other than a Kartrashian be the first fame whore to get married live on TMZ.
Come… here. Wow! You’re getting so big! Who’s a big boy? You! You! Ok… Let’s put you in your seat… Click in… Ok. You want some pasta? Who wants pasta? No. Don’t throw it. We eat the pasta! Mmmmm! Tasty! No, Timmy. Please don’t throw it. Here comes the airp- Timmy! You’re making such a mess! NO! NO! STOP THROWING IT EVERYWHERE! TIMMY! TIMMY!
That is essentially what it’s like to me every time I see something about Shia LaBeouf. It all starts out normal or semi-normal or even fucking stupid but I’m like “ok, whatever” and then the shit just hits the fan really quickly and the switch goes from ‘ON’ to ‘WHY’. Never one to disappoint his fans – is that the word? is that correct in this context? – Shia LaBeouf turned the volume up from a LaBeouf 8 to a hard LaBeouf 12 during his latest performance art masterpiece nightmare hellscape. If you need a refresher, Michael described it all brilliantly in his review for Art in America.
Page Six reports that during Elevator: The Horror Show, Shia punched someone in the face for the sake of ART. A 29-year-old Oxford student waited for hours and hours to get in there with the thinking person’s Lady Gaga so he could ask him to punch him in the face for his own performance art project. Their exchange went like this:
Student: “I’m a performance artist. Can you help me with completion of my next piece by punching me in the face?”
Shia: “Oh man, you want me to punch you in the face? I don’t want to punch you very hard!”
Student: “Don’t be a pussy!”
Artist: “I don’t like doing it though…I just met you.”
The doors soon close and we don’t actually get to see Shia give it to him good, sadly, but the punch can heard. More importantly, the punch can be felt! The high stakes at play here for Shia and this student can be felt! ART makes one feel and that is what Shia does – he feels to make us feel because without feel there is no art and without art there is no Even Stevens: The Movie!
Living toilet brush Shia LaBeouf appeared on Ellen today to promote Fury (aka the movie where he spent 2 hours learning his lines and 2,038,365 hours being a crazy face-slashing toof-pulling MESS), and Ellen DeGeneres was like, Bla bla bla that’s cool, whatever, tell us about that time you lost your damn douchey mind. Cut to a not-the-one Brad Pitt standing in wings mouthing the words “Bitch, you better make this shit sound believable, cause we’ve got a movie to sell.”
Shia explained that the reason he turned into a pretentious dirty hipster faux-hobo performance artiste is because he was going through an existential crisis. Shi Shi blames a lot of his “hiccups” (re: shitty decisions) on his existential crisis, including, but not limited to: that time he wore a paper bag on his head during the Nymphomaniac premiere, that time he set up a table in an art gallery and let people read mean Tweets to him, and that time he decided those hideous maroon corduroy leggings were a good look (he didn’t admit that, but maybe his heart’s just not ready to). Finally, when Ellen asked him what put on a curly black wig, slapped him across the face, and shouted “Snap out of it!“, Shia answered:
“Uh, jail. 100%. Jail is quite scary.“
Shia admitted that being held for 24 hours in a Hannibal Lecter mask in jail was enough to scare him straight, and he decided to leave all the nonsense behind and focus on being “as good as I can be“. So, basically, look out, the rest of Shia’s teeth, you’re next. But I will say this: Shia no longer looks like if someone gave him a hug they’d get head lice, so that’s good.
Shia also says he got through The Year of Crazy Shia by getting phone calls from the love of his life, his mother Shayna Saide, telling him to “stop fucking around.” Shia also referred to his mother as “my girl” and air smooched into the camera. Ew, I guess the old Shia really is back?