The 92nd Annual Academy Awards turned into The 1st Annual Local Bong Joon-ho Appreciation Awards, and that was a very good thing. But beyond that, the ceremony was an unorganized, sloppy mess and was more confusing than my thought process while trying to follow the word salad, with a drizzling of benzos and vinegar dressing, that Renee Zellweger dribbled out. Some of the performances for the Best Original Song nominees were not announced, and so we were all left brain-burping up question marks when Randy Newman (or, “Is that Bernie Sanders in a wig?!” as my mom called him) randomly popped up on stage to sing his nominated song from Toy Story 4. But the most unforgivable moment of the messy night was Luke Perry getting left out of the In Memoriam. The devil works hard but the Luke Perry-hating Oscar producers work harder.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt are in full-blown press-tour mode for Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, which is why they got a cover story courtesy of Esquire. As you can see, this is a super retro special issue. Everything is retro: the clothes, the car, all the way down to Brad and Leo’s squinty “the sun’s too bright” faces. Nothing says throwback to the ’60s more than looking like you’ve chosen to stare directly into a solar eclipse without proper eye protection. But enough about that, we’re here to talk about the real star of the OUATIH set, who – in Brad and Leo’s squinty eyes – was the late great Luke Perry.
It seems like everybody who ever met Luke Perry agrees that he was one of the good ones. Earlier this year when he died of a massive stroke at the age of 52, the outpouring of love for Luke was palpable. He was cited as a wonderful mentor and friend by many people who knew him. So it’s not surprising to learn that even in death, he’s continuing to leave a mark on the world – by not leaving any mark at all. According to the always true Radar Online, Luke made arrangements to be buried in a mushroom suit. No, not a suit with “special mushroom inside” like John Witherspoon in Boomerang. Instead, Radar says Luke was buried in an organic, environmentally friendly suit that grows mushrooms which remove toxins from the body, and facilitate decomposition.
Because “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” is the hillbilly second cousin of “if it wasn’t tweeted, the thought is deleted” or “if it’s not in a insta story, the bitch isn’t really sorry” (read in a Canadian accent to rhyme “story” with “sorry“), Jennie Garth is getting shit from people for not joining some of her 90210 cast mates in posting photos of Luke Perry with kind words on social media following his death on March 4. And because this is Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay we are talking about, mourning “Team Brenda” fans are taking this opportunity to tell Jennie what a who-re she is, which has her clapping back.
When the 90s tween inside all of us shriveled up into a puddle of sadness after crying out a billion tears over the death of Luke Perry, celebrities who knew him and celebrities who didn’t know him (including Colin Hanks with his story of Luke saving a flight from wild brats!) shared their thoughts and condolences for him, but the one that I kept waiting to her from was his forever onscreen soulmate Shannen Doherty. I refreshed Shannen’s Twitter and Instagram pages so many times that after the one millionth refresh, I got a restraining order from her Twitter and Instagram pages in my inbox. The night before Luke went off to heaven to have a smolder-off with James Dean, Shannen was at a charity event and asked for payers before calling him “her Dylan.” Shannen has now spoken about the way-too-early loss of Luke Perry.
The absolute worst outcome to Luke Perry suffering a massive stroke last week happened. As we all held our St. Brenda and St. Dylan candles while praying for Luke to make a full recovery, I really thought he would pull through, get healthy again and come back to say that if Brenda’s not doing that weird 90210 reboot, neither is he. But in awful-wrapped-in-horrible news that broke every piece of my heart, Luke’s rep said that he never recovered from his stroke and died today.
“Actor Luke Perry, 52, passed away today after suffering a massive stroke. He was surrounded by his children Jack and Sophie, fiancé Wendy Madison Bauer, ex-wife Minnie Sharp, mother Ann Bennett, step-father Steve Bennett, brother Tom Perry, sister Amy Coder, and other close family and friends. The family appreciates the outpouring of support and prayers that have been extended to Luke from around the world, and respectfully request privacy in this time of great mourning. No further details will be released at this time.”
And there goes a big part of my tween self who swooned out of my British Knights over Dylan McKay’s pompadour of rebel hotness and mysterious coolness, and considered Dylan one of my first crushes.