As if losing an hour of sleep for daylight savings time wasn’t the most INSUFFERABLE thing about this day already, Saturday Night Live just went and made the weekend worse with their GOOP parody on Weekend Update. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that they brought Gwyneth Paltrow on as a surprise guest to make fun of her to her face yet failed by pulling back on all of their punches, or that they failed to offer a mock PSA on the benefits of steaming one’s vagina while simultaneously boiling water for making organic zucchini spaghetti. Major missed opportunity.
Something tells me Taylor Swift is not going to order a jacket with that patch on the back of it. Just a hunch.
Calvin Harris and Taylor broke up almost four months ago, and he’s still finding ways to pull her hair when they cross each other in the cool locker hall. Calvin came for Taylor on Twitter, he came for her on Instagram, he maybe-shaded her relationship with Tom Hiddleston in the video for “Olé“, he came for her again to British GQ. Now he’s maybe-hating on her in his latest song. As it turns out, there’s someone out there who can drag a breakup for attention longer than Taylor Swift. Continue reading
I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Taylor Swift’s latest ex-boyfriend taps on the mic and starts talking about what it was like to date America’s Girlfriend. But until then, we’ll have to settle for hearing about it from the previous title holder. Calvin Harris is on the cover of this month’s issue of British GQ. GQ posted a couple of quotes from Calvin’s interview online, and they clearly know the road to page views isn’t paved with his thoughts on classy aftershave or whatever else they talk about in GQ. It’s all about Taylor. “Of course it is! It always is!” chirped Taylor Swift as she scrolled through her Google alerts this morning.
When we last left the too-much-testosterone, chest-puffing fight between Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel, The Rock made a big show on Instagram of thanking everyone he worked with on Fast 8. Everyone except for candy ass Vin Regular Gasoline, that is! It was not exactly a smart thing to do when Vin Diesel had just threatened to expose The Rock. But it sounds like Vin Diesel has decided to stop the pettiness and be the bigger man. Not literally, of course; I’m pretty sure science would have to discover a mutated strain of HGH for either of them to get any bigger.
If you have a young person in your life that you want to encourage to grab life by the butt hole and seize the day and all that shit, go ahead and print out this picture of an almost-30 Megan Fox and tape it to the screen of their iPhone. That way, every time they flip over their phone to take a selfie, they’ll be reminded that life is short and it’s only a matter of time before they’re a crumbling sack of dusty bones ringing death’s doorbell like this old-ass lady here. It’s what Megan Fox would want.
Elderly mothball Megan Fox was on Ellen today to remind us that she subbed in for Zooey Deschanel while she gave birth to Baby Otter, and Ellen DeGeneres made the mistake of bringing up the fact that some parts of Megan will be turning 30 in May.
“When you’re young, that sounds so old. When you’re in high school or even when you’re in your early 20s, it still sounds like, ‘By the time I’m 30, I should just give up.’ Like, what’s the point of going on at that age? And then you turn 30, and you don’t feel any older at all.”
Ellen then added that she felt the same way about people who are 50 and 60 years old, and Megan chimed in that those are the numbers that make you picture a person “in a hospice.”
Apparently hearing the word “thirty” causes all the muscles in Megan Fox’s face to emote like she’s never emoted before. So, keep that in mind, future directors who hire Megan Fox.
Really though, Megan clearly needs an oldie in her life who can teach her that sexy is a state of mind, not a number. If only someone could find the real-life versions of Blanche Devereaux and Mona Robinson and convince them to mentor young sexy types in their spare time. We need to think of the future generations of sexy!
No, you’re not looking at a still from Tim Burton’s future remake of Disney’s Maleficent, where Maleficent is played by a sans-fards Winona Ryder, Sleeping Beauty is played by Amber Heard (because that bitch could teach a master class in acting like you’re falling asleep), and Johnny Depp plays the prince, the 3 fairies, the voice of the dragon, and the man who reminds you that Tim Burton can no longer be trusted to make good movies.
The crazy thing is, what I just described isn’t so far-fetched. According to Radar Online, Winona used to think about the idea of reuniting with Johnny Depp and Tim Burton for a film and get the same tinglies she used to get every time she’d wear her extra-large stealin’ coat to Saks, but NOT ANYMORE! Ever since Johnny left his long-term girlfriend and baby mama, Vanessa Paradis, for 27-year-old Amber, Wino’s feelings for Jack Sparrow have been downgraded from ‘We cool’ to ‘No bitch, we ain’t cool’:
“The way he conducted that affair really upset Winona and turned her off to Johnny,” the insider said.
“The thing she especially can’t stand is how all of Johnny’s middle-aged friends, even Tim Burton, are cheering this relationship on like it’s appropriate, when Winona is telling her own friends that it’s absolutely not.
“She’s pulled a 180 on her opinion of Johnny and his cronies because she thinks it’s a sad cliché that he’d dump his long-term baby mama for a woman in her twenties.”
I guess she’s never seen this chart tracking how Johnny Depp keeps getting older but his on-screen love interests stay around the same age (how David Wooderson of you, Johnny). Here’s why she shouldn’t take their relationship that seriously: Statistics have shown there’s like a 90% guarantee that if you’re a rich dude turning 50, you’re going to wake up one morning with the overwhelming desire to leave your wife and find something young and dumb to stick your dick in. Then, after 6-12 months of having to listen to the same goddamn story about “This one time, at Coachella…” they finally realize they’ve made a terrible mistake, pack up her High School Musical overnight bag, and send her home. Winona needs to understand that she’s no longer dealing with her friend Johnny; Johnny’s gone away for a while, and his mid-life crisis is now in charge.