George Clooney Was Doubly Honored At The Kennedy Center Honors When Julia Roberts Came Wearing His Face
Last night some of the biggest stars in Hollywood gathered in New York City to rub elbows with the Washington elite at the 45th annual Kennedy Center Honors. Due to the pandemic and former president Donald Trump’s boycott of the awards, this is the first big gala in five years and the stars came dressed to impress. This year’s honorees included Gladys Knight and all four of the Irish Pips, sometimes referred to as U2, Christian pop singer Amy Grant, Cuban American composer-conductor Tania León (not to be confused with Lydia Tár, totally different lady), and Nespresso dude George Clooney. There were a couple of surprises at the ceremony. For one, Sacha Baron Cohen showed up in character as Borat even though I thought we had decided as a group after 2020’s presidential election that satire was dead. Also, there was Emma Roberts’ aunt, actress Julia Roberts, who is, apparently, strangely obsessed with George Clooney.
Ed Sheeran’s ÷ (Divide) Tour started on March 16, 2017 in Italy, and it just wrapped up in Ipswich, England on Monday. Ed was on that tour for more than two years, and played 255 shows. I complain a lot about the amount of times I have been forced to listen to Thinking Out Loud at weddings, doctor’s offices, the grocery store, 1-800 number hold music. But I never once thought of poor Ed Sheeran having to sing it at every show for more than TWO YEARS. You know what? No, I can’t feel too sorry for him. Because he got paid every time he sang it, and all I got was the urge to buy earplugs.Maybe Ed can buy me some, because I know he’s got the money!
Last Wednesday, Bono CHEATED DEATH!!! when the rear hatch door of the private plane he was riding it ripped off during a flight from Dublin to Berlin. The hatch door probably fell on a poor soul who seconds beforehand finally managed to delete U2’s new album from their iPad. Nobody on the planet was injured and Bono, of course, lived. Well, the Grim Reaper must be a Neil Young fan, because in NYC yesterday, he blew an air kiss at Bono. Page Six says that while cycling in Central Park, he got into some kind of crash and now he’s lying in a hospital bed. Bono needs surgery on his arm to fix it. U2 was supposed to play on The Tonight Show all week long, but they announced on their website that they’ve canceled all of their shows after death came for Bono for the second time in 5 days.
It looks like we will have to do our Tonight Show residency another time – we’re one man down. Bono has injured his arm in a cycling spill in Central Park and requires some surgery to repair it. We’re sure he’ll make a full recovery soon, so we’ll be back! Much thanks to Jimmy Fallon and everyone at the show for their understanding.
The makers of tinted and colored lenses are going to get together and build Bono a protective colored lens bubble for him to live in, because he might be in a Final Destination situation and nothing can happen to their #1 customer.
But really, who keeps trying to take Bono out (besides everyone who heard the last U2 album)? Let’s see… Bono is Apple’s main bitch and he was supposed to play The Tonight Show every night for a week. Hmm… hmmm… Someone should check the footage from a surveillance camera near the place where Bono had his bike locked. They’d probably see Bill Gates, Conan O’Brien and Chris Martin dropping the wrenches and cans of grease they had in their hands to high five each other while tip-toeing away from the scene.
And here’s Bono outside of the London studio where a star-studded (see: not star-studded at all) group of singers recorded Band Aid 30 Do They Know It’s Christmas? (aka the song that will kill Ebola once and for all).