Open Post: Hosted By Drew Barrymore Saying That Jake Gyllenhaal Is The Least Talented Actor She’s Worked With 

Drew Barrymore has been on a roll lately. First, Drew Barrymore proclaimed her allegiance to Lucifer by whoring herself out in a soul-melting musical ad for his most evil creation CROCS. And now Drew Barrymore is saying that out of Adam Sandler, Hugh Grant and Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake is her least talented co-star and Adam is her most talented. I guess Drew’s show Santa Clarita Diet isn’t totally fake, because it seems like she’s been bitten by a zombie in real life and it’s fucking with her brains.

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Open Post: Hosted By Drew Barrymore Starring In A Musical From HELL!

Drew Barrymore was in one of the greatest movies ever made, Poison Ivy, and also in one of the greatest TV shows that existed, 2000 Malibu Road, so I used to think that she could really do no wrong. But that thought about Drew was torched from my brain as soon as I learned that not only did she sell her soul to the devil by signing a deal with CROCS (or “Crocth” as she probably calls them), but she also warble lisped out a song in a commercial for them. Oh, Drew, you know that there’s less offensive ways to come out as a Satan worshiper, like sacrificing a goat in the middle of a pentagram painted with blood. WHY, DREW, WHY? A check just ain’t a check if it comes from CROCS. It’s also a vow to spread the message of Satan throughout the land!

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Open Post: Hosted By Iman Working The Hell Out Of A Glamorous Purple Ruffled Alien Growth

The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.

Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.

Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.

Pics: Wenn.com

Emma Stone Really Didn’t Want To Talk About Her Dress Last Night

Emma Stone really didn’t have much to say about that junior prom princess dress when she reached Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet of the Golden Globes last night. The face she’s making in that picture above kind of says all that needs to be said, really. It’s very “Please direct all Worst Dressed lists to my stylist.”

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Drew Barrymore Is Officially Divorced

Less than three weeks after she walked down to the courthouse and slipped some divorce papers in the slot marked “DEAD MARRIAGES” (that’s how it works, right?), Drew Barrymore is officially divorced from her third husband Will Kopelman. Page Six says their divorce was finalized in Manhattan. It was an uncontested divorce, which means there was no messy fight over money or custody of their two children, Olive and Frankie. A source says that’s exactly how Drew and Will wanted it.

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Drew Barrymore Has Officially Filed For Divorce

Lispy wonder Drew Barrymore pulled the trigger on her divorce. The New York Daily News (via People) reports that the 41-year-old filed in Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday to nix her marriage to “That Guy” (aka art dealer Will Kopelman, 39). The couple got together in 2011, got married in 2012, and have two daughters, Olive, 3, and Frankie, 2.

It’s Drew’s third time visiting the divorce ranch but, in her defense, this one seemed pretty solid. Comparatively, she was married to her first husband for basically an afternoon. Her novelty marriage to Tom Green ended after a year and change, just as his cameo in Charlie’s Angels hit the screen. Oddly (for Hollywood), the proceedings look like they’re going to be drama-free. Drew scrawled “uncontested” in the space that asks “Will you two be gnawing on each other’s jugular veins like creatures that escaped from a secret government laboratory?” on the form.

The couple released a joint statement to People back in April that’s kind of eloquent and makes me sad for them. I know they’re probably sobbing on enormous bags of money, but the ultra-rich have the feelings, too!

“Sadly our family is separating legally, although we do not feel this takes away from us being a family,” they said. “Divorce might make one feel like a failure, but eventually you start to find grace in the idea that life goes on.”

Wistful. They also added that their daughters would be their priority for “the rest of their lives.”

It’s depressing for us as a people that the general lack of crazy comes off as refreshing. I know, I’m very naive. Next week he’ll be grabbing at that Gertie from E.T. money, and she’ll send her current boyfriend to beat his ass in the driveway as retaliation.

Pic: Wenn