Drew Barrymore’s Marriage To That Guy Is Over

Drew Barrymore’s first marriage to bar owner Jeremy Thomas happened when she was just 19 years old and was thrown a shallow grave two months later. Drew’s second (and weirdest) marriage to Tom Green lasted a bit longer than her first, but not much. That marriage was also thrown into a shallow grave after five months. Well, Drew’s third marriage has lasted more than five times longer than her first two marriages combined, but now that shit is also over. I called Drew’s soon-to-be third ex-husband “that guy” in my headline, because I always confuse him with WhatHisName who’s married to Jessica Simpson. I know, all non-famous husbands of blond famous types look the same to me!

Page Six says that 41-year-old Drew and her 38-year-old husband of three years, Will Kopelman, have split and one of them will file for divorce soon. When they do, I’m sure they’ll use the Hollywood Queen of Celebrity Divorces Laura Wasser, because Laura Wasser did say that March was going to be a big month for celebrity divorces and March was only a second away. Drew hasn’t confirmed this yet, but a source says that their marriage is done for real and it’s been heading there for a minute.

“They’ve been having some difficulties, but they remain close for the sake of their kids,” one source told Page Six of the actress, 41, and Kopelman, 38, who is the wealthy son of former Chanel CEO Arie Kopelman.

Another source added, “Drew had a very rebellious and wild childhood, with no family around her, and while she is a very different person now, and a great mother, some of that can stay with you.”

Drew and Will have two daughters: 3-year-old Olive and almost-2 -year-old Frankie. Drew recently got their names inked into her wrist skin.

That last quote from the second source is a little strange. What does it mean? I’m going to take it to mean that Drew still has a bit of wild in her and Will ended things after catching her bumping pussies with the nanny on top of the kitchen island. I mean, this is a celebrity divorce. A nanny has to be involved. It’s a law of life!

Pic: Wenn.com

Go Ahead And Add “Drew Barrymore” To The List Of Things Martha Stewart Doesn’t Have Time For

Martha Stewart could teach a master class on not giving a single fuck. Martha will drag a bitch-ass trick who tries to come for her artisanal oven-roasted crown, she keeps the bathroom door open while she pisses, and now we know that she definitely doesn’t fuck with people getting in the way while she prepares a delicious autumnal sangria. Martha Stewart showed up on Ellen on Friday to pimp out her new book Appetizers, and of course she made some appetizers. She also made everyone in the audience want to reach for a warm blanket after she dropped the temperature in the studio to below freezing while icing out Drew Barrymore.

For some reason, Martha was only feeling Ellen DeGeneres. As you can see above, it’s like they’re at a party at Ellen’s house, and Martha is ratting out Drew for taking a massive crab cake dump and plugging the toilet. She’s like “I’m pretty sure she snatched a few pills from the medicine cabinet too.” You can watch the awkward trainwreck unfold below.

I have watched this video four times, and I honestly cannot tell what the fuck Martha was making because I was too busy watching Drew trying to get Martha’s attention and Martha straight-up ignoring her ass. Drew could have poured that pitcher of sangria over Martha’s head, and she would have kept on going as if nothing had happened.

Finally, after nearly four minutes of playing the Lea Michele to Martha’s Jessica Lange, Drew shrugs and starts drinking. Although I’m sure she could have picked up that giant bowl of popcorn, snuck off backstage to the green room, and returned at the end of the segment. Really, it’s not like Martha would have noticed she was gone.

In Case You Missed It, Here’s Jamie Foxx Delivering Some Raw Emotion While Yodeling Out The National Anthem

I didn’t watch that Merriweather vs. La Pequeña fight last night, because if I want to watch two sweaty dudes hug all sweet-like and give each other blows to the face, I’ll log into Sean Cody. Besides, if there’s a fight in a ring and none of the beauties from GLOW are involved, I’m not interested. But apparently everyone watched that mess (the fight even fucked with Robert Downey Jr.’s money) and from what I read, the consensus is that the fight was about as exciting and riveting as watching two sleepy toddlers on Ritalin play with a half-broken boxing ring toy. Apparently, the best part happened before the fight when Katie Holmes’ maybe fuck buddy opened his mouth and made the bald eagle cry with his version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Shit had more ups, downs and surprises than the actual fight.

While Mary J. Blige, Beyonce and Mimi sat in the audience, Jamie and an organ player took our ears all sorts of places. Of course, some hating bitches on Twitter said that Jamie should be arrested for butchering the National Anthem and said that his runs made them want to run away. But I, for one, loved it, especially the last super messy 10 seconds.

I didn’t even watch that stupid fight and can say that Jamie Foxx’s performance was more thrilling. You didn’t know who was going to win: Jamie Foxx’s vocal cords or those high notes? And that random “hallelujah” at the end probably made a thousand haters say “hallelujah” too, because they were glad it was finally over.

And here’s some famous hos who were at last night’s Jamie Foxx Does The National Anthem Show (featuring that fight).

And Now In “Good News” News, Drew Barrymore Is Writing Another Book About Her Life

The last time life legend Drew Barrymore sat down to write a book, it was 1990 and she wrote Little Girl Lost, and the world instantly became a better place for it, because Little Girl Lost is everything. It’s like if V.C. Andrews wrote Shirley Temple fan fiction. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure there’s a copy of Little Girl Lost in the Smithsonian (at least there should be). Now People is saying that Drew Barrymore is going to write another book about her life. Praise be to the god in charge of dishy celebrity memoirs, thine are truly a loving, caring god.

According to Drew’s publisher (Dutton), Drew’s new book won’t be filled with heavy shit like LGL was, but instead will be a collection of essays about her life, which her publisher says will include:

“Living on her own at 14 (and how laundry may have saved her life), getting stuck in a gas station overhang on a cross-country road trip, saying goodbye to her father in a way only he could have understood, and many more adventures and lessons that have led to the most important thing in her life, which is motherhood.”

Well, there goes my hope for a potential story involving Drew and Cameron Diaz stealing Bill Murray’s sousaphone and using it as a makeshift bong on the set of Charlie’s Angels.

Drew commented on her new book, which doesn’t have a name right now, by saying: “I love stories that are humorous, emotional and welcoming, and that is my goal in writing this book.” Drew wrote LGL when she was 15, and she’s 40 now, which means that she has 25 years worth of humorous, emotional, and welcoming stories to catch up on. Basically what I’m saying is, she better save a couple pages for that time she flashed David Letterman and whether or not Courtney Love ever sat her down at any time in the mid-90s and told her that her foundation shade was way too light.

Cameron Diaz DID NOT, I Repeat DID NOT, Scissor With Drew Barrymore

When Cameron Diaz admitted on Watch What Happens Live back in April that she once took the L train to taco town, everybody immediately shifted their eyes over to Drew Barrymore as if to ask “Well, how was it?”, followed by “No, seriously, how was it.” However, Cameron has told Harper’s Bazaar (via UsWeekly) that people need to stop picturing her joker mouth going to town on Drew’s lispy pussy, because she would NEVAH do such a thing. Drew is like a sister, but not that kind of sister, you sickos!

“People will always speculate. People like scandal. They like to put a label on something that they don’t understand. It makes them feel comfortable. Mostly they like to guess who it could be. Some media outlet called for a comment and they wanted to know whether I was with Drew. Literally, I said, ‘That makes me want to vomit in my mouth.’ That’s like saying I’m having sex with my sister. Are you crazy? I wouldn’t even ménage with her!”

Even though “I wouldn’t even ménage with her” is the most perfect insult to ever come from the mouth of a slut, it makes no goddamn sense. Of course you wouldn’t have a threesome with someone you weren’t comfortable going down on. DUH! You can’t just sit there scrolling through Pinterest on your phone and hoping that someone will offer to go down on you. Come on Cammy, I thought you had your PhD in Slutology; you should be teaching me, not the other way around.

So now we’re back at square one and we have no idea who Cameron Diaz got her gayelle on with. Eh, let’s just say it was the mask from The Mask (all masks are female, right?).

Pic: Splash

Drew Barrymore’s 1-Month-Old Newborn Daughter Makes Her Magazine Cover Debut

Seen above doing an almost spot-on impersonation of me “I CAN’T-ing” at all of the pieces of dumb trash on I Wanna Marry Harry last night (Note: It would’ve been a “totally” spot-on impersonation if that baby’s mouth was covered with dried Nutella and a long-haired black chihuahua was sitting on her chest), Frankie Barrymore Kopelman was pulled out of her mom’s body just a month ago and she’s already got her first magazine cover. You know how Linda Evangelista said a million years ago that she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day? Well, I’m sure Frankie got way more than $10,000 for this cover and she didn’t even have to wake up to pose for it. Take that, Linda!

Since Drew is an old-fashioned kind of celebrity, she’s not going to post a picture of her six-second-old new baby friend on Instagram for free. That would be crazy. What’s the point of being a celebrity with baby making parts that can double as an ATM if you’re not going to give a magazine pictures of your baby for a check? So Drew got that money in exchange for pictures of her family and an interview which included these words about how Drew wants to give her girls stability and no access to drugs (read: things she didn’t have as a kid).

Barrymore, 39, says her own tumultuous childhood influenced what she sees as most important for her kids.

She wanted Olive “to have a sibling, because I really would have liked that in my life,” she says. “And always being on time, being there when I say I’m going to be there. Creating a real stable home. I know when my daughter wants to swing higher and jump into the pool and all of these things, she feels safe. To make your kids feel safe is everything.”

Dear Lindsay Lohan, use that pen you stole and those rolling papers to take note! This could be you (but probably not).

Here’s Drew wearing a giant nun’s habit as a dress at the German premiere of URLAUBSREIF (that’s German for “Razzie Magnet”) with Adam Sandler in Berlin yesterday. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure Baby Frankie is giving her official review of her mom’s new movie in that picture above.

Pics: Wenn.com