John Mayer claims that he hasn’t really dated since getting sober six years ago. He revealed this very important information on Call Me Daddy, a podcast hosted by Alex Cooper. 45-year-old John tells Alex that, without alcohol as a crutch, he lacks the “liquid courage” to go on dates. So that seemingly romantic four-hour dinner he shared with Kiernan Shipka last month? The one at the Italian restaurant, where John was spotted serenading 23-year-old Kiernan? That shit was probably platonic. Well, hopefully. John’s exact wording was “I don’t really date.” And that’s a helluva lot weaker than: “I never ever date, especially not female celebrities of the Gen-Z variety.”
The Daily Mail is reporting that John Mayer and Kiernan Shipka went on a romantic, four-hour dinner date last night at Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica last night. At one point, witnesses claim 45-year-old John serenaded 22-year-old Kiernan with a song. Dear god, that’s his mating call! Say it with me, everyone: “Get your filthy slut paws off of Sally Draper!”
After their Midnights feeding frenzy, The Swifties have had just enough time to regroup, sharpen their eyeliner pencils to a deadly point and charge into battle against (checks notes, checks calendar, checks notes again, remembers this is Taylor Swift we’re dealing with, makes the sign of the cross and prays for Jake Gyllenhaal, checks notes again and shrugs) John Mayer.
Way back in 2009 John Mayer (then 32) dated Taylor Swift (then 19). The next year Taylor released the song Dear John on her third album, Speak Now, which was “allegedly” about her brief stay at Casa del Slimy-Starfucker. Over the years passionate Swifties have come for John online, and it seems their hate was reignited after last week’s release of Red (Taylor’s Version). John’s been getting tons of rude DMs, and he responded to one teen Swifty who wrote, “fuck yourself you ugly bitch i hope you choke on something.” My knee-jerk reply would be something super-cool like, “Your dad’s dick is too small for me to choke on!” but John’s “curious mind” opted for a more mature discussion. Blah blah blah! Continue reading
Looks like John Mayer’s “David Duke cock” may have softened over the years. According to E!, John’s Johnson might currently be pointed towards Cazzie David, a nice Jewish girl, and Larry David’s daughter. Cazzie recently celebrated her 27th birthday which John commemorated with a post in his Instagram Stories saying “I care for you a great deal!” which might help explain why, despite the bravado, John claims to have only slept with six women. Not at a time. Ever! Which, if true, makes him a safer bet, crabs wise, than Cazzie’s ex Pete Davidson so, growth?
While we’re clearly supposed to wonder exactly which clients were told to steer clear of Jessica Simpson, now 40, way back in 2005 when she divorced Nick Lachey; all I can do is scratch my head at why Jessica’s publicist at the time didn’t go full four-legged parent, grab her by the scruff of the neck, plop her behind a tree, and warn her not to date professional douchewad and all-around indiscreet creep, John Mayer. This is the sound advice we all need in life and would have spared her a lot of misery.
This question will forever go unanswered, and John is now douchebagging his way through the totally pristine and untrodden (to him) terrain of white male privilege, wondering little more than how to parlay this pseudo-woke chapter into landing more napalm ass. Jessica, on the other hand, took some time out from wearing real fur while promoting her memoir, Open Book, to appear on The Drew Barrymore Show and talked about how back in the day, publicists told their clients to RUUUUN from her.