In 2007, Jessica Simpson attended the Met Gala (seen above with Roberto Cavalli, who made her dress). There’s one thing that sticks out to me about Jessica’s look more than a decade later, and it’s pretty obvious. That Clairol Natural Instincts brown is definitely not Jessica’s color. But for former Vogue digital director Sally Singer, it’s Jessica’s open-faced Chestica situation. Sally recently wrote about Jessica’s Met Gala boobs for Vogue’s online oral history of the Met Gala. Jessica didn’t love it and had something to say about it.
We’re in the renaissance of the old-school People Magazine article where celebrities spill news and emotions. We used to live in a time where a famous type would never call up People to give them news and would still spill it all on Instagram, but Michelle Williams let us know that she’s got two new additions to her body (an unborn baby and an engagement ring) through People, and now Jessica Simpson has gotten deep and brave through People about the sexual abuse she suffered and her addiction to alcohol and pills. Jessica is now over two years sober and is telling her story in her new memoir and in a cover story for People. Since the People cover story is back, Papa Joe Simpson should follow his daughter’s lead and reboot Clay Aiken’s “Yes, I’m Gay” cover with a “Yes, I’m A Photographer And Still Not Gay, Dammit” cover while cradling his newest twink protégé.
Baby showers have always seemed like a dull concept to me ever since the most radical thing Miranda had at hers on Sex And The City was fried chicken and a diaper tree (eh, I guess the two go hand-in-hand). However, if you remotely know anyone with a working social media account, you couldn’t escape Andy Cohen’s baby shower over the weekend, hosted by OG Real Housewives NeNe Leakes, Vicki Gunvalson, Kyle Richards, Ramona Singer, and Teresa Giudice. Well, by host, that means those five all gave speeches at Beverly Hills outpost of The Palm, owned by Andy’s friend Bruce Bozzi. Alas, this day was not about Andy’s soon-to-arrive baby boy (I don’t think I saw much reference to children). This was about middle-aged women tossing back Chardonnay and Vicodin cocktails, dancing on tables (this is The Palm! Not Coyote Ugly!), and dropping f-bombs and acid…all on camera, of course.
You’re probably already in your end-of-the-world bunker because of (insert anything that’s on the news), but this should really make you get in your end-of-the-world bunker. As soon as soon as the tip of the hood on John Mayer’s David Duke touched the kooze of a Kartrashian, the earth’s core would explode over this unholy union.
It wasn’t that long ago when a great way to move papers was just to call John Mayer and ask him to talk about life (Sexual napalm! David Duke dick! Inspiring half the Taylor Swift songbook!) or just write about his love (?) life. John would like us to all know that is John 1.0. John 2.0 is a sensitive soul who is more at home at the Women’s March than the Playboy Mansion grotto.
Here’s a sobering thought. I have slept with more people than John Mayer. Now, before you start high-fiving me and calling my pussy a dick gobbling legend, know that John now claims he has slept with exactly six women. After stating on his Instagram Live show Current Mood, that his “number” was under 500, John has revisited the subject, and in his quest to be named “most popular” in the yearbook, has revised his number to six.