Baby showers have always seemed like a dull concept to me ever since the most radical thing Miranda had at hers on Sex And The City was fried chicken and a diaper tree (eh, I guess the two go hand-in-hand). However, if you remotely know anyone with a working social media account, you couldn’t escape Andy Cohen’s baby shower over the weekend, hosted by OG Real Housewives NeNe Leakes, Vicki Gunvalson, Kyle Richards, Ramona Singer, and Teresa Giudice. Well, by host, that means those five all gave speeches at Beverly Hills outpost of The Palm, owned by Andy’s friend Bruce Bozzi. Alas, this day was not about Andy’s soon-to-arrive baby boy (I don’t think I saw much reference to children). This was about middle-aged women tossing back Chardonnay and Vicodin cocktails, dancing on tables (this is The Palm! Not Coyote Ugly!), and dropping f-bombs and acid…all on camera, of course.
You’re probably already in your end-of-the-world bunker because of (insert anything that’s on the news), but this should really make you get in your end-of-the-world bunker. As soon as soon as the tip of the hood on John Mayer’s David Duke touched the kooze of a Kartrashian, the earth’s core would explode over this unholy union.
It wasn’t that long ago when a great way to move papers was just to call John Mayer and ask him to talk about life (Sexual napalm! David Duke dick! Inspiring half the Taylor Swift songbook!) or just write about his love (?) life. John would like us to all know that is John 1.0. John 2.0 is a sensitive soul who is more at home at the Women’s March than the Playboy Mansion grotto.
Here’s a sobering thought. I have slept with more people than John Mayer. Now, before you start high-fiving me and calling my pussy a dick gobbling legend, know that John now claims he has slept with exactly six women. After stating on his Instagram Live show Current Mood, that his “number” was under 500, John has revisited the subject, and in his quest to be named “most popular” in the yearbook, has revised his number to six.
All we’ve ever needed to know about what possibly happens behind John Mayer’s closed bedroom door can be found on his face during a particularly intense guitar riff. And yet, he’s still more than happy to spill the details of his sex life for anyone who dares ask. We know he used to jerk off all the time, that he would have sold all his stuff to keep fucking Jessica “Sexual Napalm” Simpson, and who could forget the David Duke dick thing. And now we know more! Prepare yourselves accordingly.
Quick! Someone put an APB out on Alexis Neiers, because it looks like The Bling Ring is back in action! Well, either The Bling Ring Redux or some other boring regular old house robbers are back in action, because John Mayer has had his house burgled, and they’ve mostly taken his fancy watch collection.