Category: Benniferaissance
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s Marriage Certificate Is Finally Here!
Since the rebirth of the love story and eventual Vegas marriage of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Affleck (née, Jennifer Lopez), it seems like their publicity machine has been hard at work attempting to manufacture shits for anyone to give–just one solitary, single shit–but so far the most interesting thing about their union is that they’re the owners of a soda machine that dispenses both Diet Pepsi AND Diet Coke. They’ve definitely tried it though since linking back up: we heard about their Valentine’s Day gifts; our brainspace has been invaded with the knowledge that Ben proposed while Jen was in the bubble bath; we’ve been made privy to their love nest search. They even tried to bring some levity and relatability to the table when Ben’s son made a public and very bougie oopsie right in front of the paps. Alas, the quest to win over the people’s interest has gone about as well as Gigli did, so today’s news is that TMZ “obtained” (AKA JLo’s people sent over the receipts) their marriage certificate.
Ben Affleck Is Caught Napping On His Honeymoon With Jennifer Lopez
Ben Affleck and the newly crowned Jennifer Lynn Affleck (a.k.a Jennifer Lopez) have taken their marriage on tour and are currently stunting vacationing in Europe. If the world doesn’t yet know that they’re officially together, they will visit every country on earth to make it known! They touched down in France a few days ago and put on a SHOW for the people. We expect no less from the earth’s premier pap stroll trailblazers. However, it looks like the 5,243,000 photos they took to document their love knocked the wind out of Ben as he was caught sleeping on the job. Someone get this man a Box O’ Joe from Dunkin’ Donuts before JLo finds out!
Ben Affleck And Jennifer Lopez Are Honeymooning In Paris
Cold Feet no more! Ben Affleck’s been warming his footies by slapping the white-hot pavement on the ho-stroll friendly streets of Paris with his “for better” new bride, Mrs. Jennifer Lynn Affleck, “for worse” known as Jennifer Lopez. Even though it seems like Mr. and Mrs. Affleck have been in the honeymoon stage of their relationship since Jen was practically still engaged to A-Rod, they’ve made it official by taking their literal honeymoon to the most obvious place on the planet. When you’re as busy as these two, who has time for originality? Jen probably makes these decisions on the fly by playing word association with one of her assistants. Quickie wedding to lock it down: “um, um, um, Las Vegas drive-thu!” Good! Next, name a honeymoon location with excellent pap coverage: “Paris!” Perfect, you nailed it! Now, here’s a tough one: People Magazine cover worthy wedding venue: “C’mon, that’s easy. Ben’s plantation-style Big House in Georgia, duh.” Um, want to try that one again, Jen? No? Just gonna go ahead with that one? Are you sure? OK lady, you’re the boss.
Ben Affleck And Jennifer Lopez Reportedly Got Married In Vegas To Avoid Ben Getting “Cold Feet” And Are Planning A Bigger Celebration In Georgia
Come on, now. Did you really think Jennifer Lopez was going to let all the attention and buzz of Bennifer 2.0 crescendo with her standing in line with a bunch of normies, in a MUNICIPAL building, followed by a quickie ceremony with only one costume change in the same venue Joe Jonas was married in? Are you new? No, there’s no way the newly minted Jenny Lynn Affleck doesn’t already have the perfect picture frame picked out (and linked in her On The JLo newsletter, no doubt) for her and Ben Affleck’s inevitable People Magazine wedding extravaganza cover. Sources tell said People that the most remarked upon bride and groom of the 21st century “plan on having a bigger party so they can celebrate with family and friends,” now that Jenny Lynn locked that shit down before Ben could get cold feet. And that’s not (just) me being shady, a source tells Page Six that their Vegas wedding was “very, very minimally planned in advance and was largely spur-of-the-moment” for just that reason. I guess all that Dunkin’ cold brew collects in Ben’s extremities.
Just Call Her JAf! Jennifer Lopez Has Changed Her Name To Jennifer Affleck After Marrying Ben Affleck In Las Vegas
As you already know because the information was beamed into all of our heads via the CERN portal, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck finally got married over the weekend. But PLOT TWIST, they didn’t get married in a four-day $100 million wedding extravaganza that was streamed live on Netflix. No, instead, they married like peasants in a low-key quickie Las Vegas ceremony, and probably so they could say, “See, we can marry like you peasants too!” And after marrying Ben, “JLo” is gone. She’s changed her name to Jennifer Affleck. JAf? Jennifer as fuck? ….Mehhh, it’s not the same.
Open Post: Hosted By Ben Affleck’s Home Office Soda Machine That Has Both Diet Coke And Diet Pepsi
These thirsty motherfuckers. Slate reports that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are so parched that Ben has a his and herses soda fountain in his office that dispenses both Diet Coke (His) and Diet Pepsi (contractually Herses). And here I thought JLo left her Hims & and Hers holdings to Alex Rodriguez. But no, The Brand lives on, only this time instead of duking it out in your medicine cabinet, the gendered Vitameatavegamin wars will be fought at the office water bubbler, not in the bathroom.