Brian Cox Comes For Johnny Depp, Quentin Tarantino, David Bowie And More In His New Autobiography

October 28, 2021 / Posted by:

You’re never going to have to do much to sell me on a book of cocks, so selling that shit to me by spelling it “Cox” and adding an apostrophe “s,” is really just gilding the lily. Especially considering that the Cox book in question is a burn all-the-bridges Hollywood memoir written by a 75-year-old actor on a hit TV show with nothing to lose. In a new autobiography called Putting the Rabbit in the Hat, Succession star Brian Cox goes ahead and lets us know he thinks Johnny Depp is overrated, praises David Bowie’s beautiful gowns and made me look up the word “meretricious” with his description of Quentin Tarantino’s work even though he says he’d still pick up the phone if the caller ID showed a zoomed-in picture of a big toe. It’s a page right out of the Quincy Jones pee-paw tells all playbook, and I am sold!

First off, if you see Brian in the street and you ask him to tell you to fuck off like Logan Roy (his character on Succession), he will indulge you because “it’s the easiest thing to say.” (via Esquire) Also know — he tokes. And his favorite ways to relax are watching Turner Classic movies and “lying diagonally in [his] bed and doing nothing.” So not only is he a straight up savage calling Steven Seagalas ludicrous in real life as he appears on screen,” he’s also a relatable King (OK, not King but the Scottish born Commander Cox is a CBE). Here’s him dragging his peers for no other reason other than it was a Tuesday.

According to Big Issue, Brian was offered the role of the Governor in Pirates of the Caribbean, a role that ultimately went to Jonathan Pryce (who he calls “an interesting fish” who used to freak Christopher Walken out), but he has no regrets at missing a chance to work with Johnny Depp.

“Personable though I’m sure he is, is so overblown, so overrated. I mean, Edward Scissorhands. Let’s face it, if you come on with hands like that and pale, scarred-face make-up, you don’t have to do anything. And he didn’t. And subsequently, he’s done even less.”

Cue Johnny filing a libel suit against Brian in 3… 2… 1… Brian didn’t really have anything nice to say about Edward Norton either, but why say nothing at all when you could call him “a nice lad but a bit of a pain in the arse because he fancies himself as a writer-director.” And Brian went full Aretha (always recommended) on David Bowie calling him “a skinny kid, and not a particularly good actor. He made a better pop star, that much is for certain.” But Brian saved his more withering criticism for Steven Seagal.

“Steven Seagal is as ludicrous in real life as he appears on screen. He radiates a studied serenity, as though he’s on a higher plane to the rest of us, and while he’s certainly on a different plane, no doubt about that, it’s probably not a higher one.”

Oh he’s high all right, high on the Sputnik vaccine and probably waiting by his phone for “that stupid fucking pink Pinocchio” to call. That’s Brian’s pet name for Donald Trump. Here’s what he had to say about QT:

“I find his work meretricious. It’s all surface. Plot mechanics in place of depth. Style where there should be substance. I walked out of Pulp Fiction…That said, if the phone rang, I’d do it.”

That my friends, is the true meaning of integrity. Now lest you think Brian’s all piss and vinegar crisps, he did pay a compliment to fellow CBE Sir Michael Caine.

“I wouldn’t describe Michael as my favourite, but he’s Michael Caine. An institution. And being an institution will always beat having range.”

Oh Lord Jesus it’s a fire. Please tell me he’s got a role in Knives Out 2!


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