People Magazine Names Its 2019 “People Of The Year”

December 4, 2019 / Posted by:

It’s that time of year where the drinks at Starbucks go from being cloyingly sweet pumpkin monstrosities to cloyingly sweet peppermint monstrosities, and strains of Mariah Carey’s AIWFCIY repeat and repeat in your brain until you want to stab yourself in the ear with the sharp end of a half-eaten candy cane just to make it stop. That means it’s also time for utterly meaningless lists! From the people who decided John Legend was the sexiest man alive, comes People Magazine’s equally dubious People Of The Year list. It’s like Time Magazine’s Person of The Year, only it’s decided by the intern who does the Starbucks runs. Congratulations to Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez and Taylor Swift‘s publicists. The editorial staff only got to make one “out of contract” pick, and they went with Michelle Obama.

According to People:

Our People of the Year issue celebrates the stars who have made an impact on our culture, the individuals who have moved us and entertained us. We wanted to see if we could soak up a little of their wisdom. When we sat down to look at who we thought deserved this honor, I wasn’t surprised that we ended up with an all-female foursome—this year has been dominated by strong women.

I feel like a basic bitch still using the term basic bitch but this list is a basic bitch. If this list were a color it could be camel. If it were a drink it would be Caramel Brulée Latte. If it were shoes it would be an L.L. Bean Tumbled-Leather Shearling-Lined boot, size 8. If it were a dog, it would be a Yorkipoo.

People says Jennifer Aniston “summed up that zeitgeist” (referring to their selection criteria) because in her Apple TV+ show The Morning Show, her character tells a roomful of men “You don’t have the power anymore. . . . We are doing this my way.” And she joined Insta? You glow, girl!

JLo “ticked every possible box” by having the bravery, courage, and strength to turn 50 and continue to show her face in public.

Rudely sandwiched between JLo and Taylor, Michelle Obama proved she’s got the goods by becoming “the bestselling memoirist of all time”, being named “the most admired woman in the world” in a Gallup survey, and “continues to do so much work to improve girls’ education both here at home and in countries like Namibia with her Global Girls Alliance.” And Taylor, well she’s “been a singer for more than 15 years,” and you’ve heard of a little film called Cats, haven’t you?

It’s impossible to argue with People’s selections for People Of The Year because they invented People Of The Year. It’s not a thing! But some people out there are going to pay actual money to collect all 4 covers. And this basic ass list is for them!

Pic: People Magazine

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