The Razzies Have Rescinded Their “Worst Actor” Nomination For The 12-Year-Old Who Starred In “Firestarter”
You’d be hard-pressed to find a more beleaguered awards body than the HFPA, the hosts of the Golden Globes. But as evidenced by their triumphant return to network television, albeit on a Tuesday night, their assurances of increased transparency, diversity, and bottomless champagne were enough to lure Brad Pitt away from his pottery studio. However, even enough champagne to fill the Nile can’t restore the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation to its glory days when big stars like *checks notes* Tom Green accepted their awards in person. Last year The Razzie Awards came under fire for devoting an entire category to the work of Bruce Willis, who, as we know, suffers from aphasia. They eventually rescinded that nomination, as well as Shelley Duvall‘s 1981 nomination for The Shining. And earlier this week, a 12-year-old girl, Ryan Kiera Armstrong, woke up to learn she’d been nominated for Worst Actor for a Blumhouse remake of Firestarter.
Most of us have had those near misses in the kitchen. Maybe you’ve almost sliced yourself when cutting an avocado or managed to set your toast aflame when prepping breakfast. Thankfully, only a few friends or relatives have witnessed your stunning incompetence in the kitchen. That wasn’t the case for Twitch streamer Kjanecaron who almost set her house on fire while thousands of viewers watched online. The Twitch streaming business is getting competitive, so I guess you gotta go the extra mile to get those subscribers!
You’re never going to have to do much to sell me on a book of cocks, so selling that shit to me by spelling it “Cox” and adding an apostrophe “s,” is really just gilding the lily. Especially considering that the Cox book in question is a burn all-the-bridges Hollywood memoir written by a 75-year-old actor on a hit TV show with nothing to lose. In a new autobiography called Putting the Rabbit in the Hat, Succession star Brian Cox goes ahead and lets us know he thinks Johnny Depp is overrated, praises David Bowie’s beautiful gowns and made me look up the word “meretricious” with his description of Quentin Tarantino’s work even though he says he’d still pick up the phone if the caller ID showed a zoomed-in picture of a big toe. It’s a page right out of the Quincy Jones pee-paw tells all playbook, and I am sold!
When Chris Brown found out that the track he recorded for Donda was left on the cutting room floor (AKA Kanye West on his phone a bathroom stall at the Mercedes Benz Stadium in Atlanta), he called Kanye “a whole hoe.” And when he found out his track was also missing, Soulja Boy called him “an asshole.” But as eloquent (and accurate) those criticisms are, they pale in comparison to prog-rock icon Todd Rundgren’s detailed and withering account of the utter uselessness and folly of working “with” Kanye. According to Entertainment Weekly, Todd’s not even sure if the track he worked on ended up on the final toilet edit at all, because, from his perspective, there’s “so much junk in that record!” he couldn’t tell!
What more is there to say about the woman who is arguably our greatest living American that hasn’t already been said? Dolly Parton‘s talented— duh. Hard-working— without a doubt. Stunning to behold— you bet your sweet ass. Generous and kind to everyone she meets— of course, but if your face is busted, she’s gonna let you know. And that’s just what she did, in the Dollyiest possible way, to RuPaul while he was interviewing her over Zoom for Marie Claire. Don’t fuck with Dolly, she hasn’t given away 150 million books to children without knowing her way around the mother-fucking library, okurrr. And Dolly’s library opens at 3:00 AM every damn day and stays open LATE.
When I first read that people were calling 911 over a house’s Halloween decorations, I expected an X-rated front yard tableau of a kinky demon orgy. Lots of chains, spiked dildos, and blood-curdling screams, which would obviously have fuddy-duddy neighbors clutching their pearls and hiding their innocent children’s eyes. Alas, the Riverside, California home sparking all this controversy is actually a Pirates of the Caribbean-themed display that looks like a house fire. So people are calling 911 to report a “FIRE! FIRE! FIIIIIRE!”