If you’re like me, then you’re probably looking at your bong right now while saying, “What in the fuck did I smoke tonight?” Because when the Oscar for Best Picture was announced by Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty tonight, Faye announced La La Land as the winner and we quickly learned that Moonlight was the true winner. Goddamnit, why couldn’t this have happened on election night?!
After everyone from La La Land got on stage and started accepting the award, a giant WTF hit us all when they figured out that they lost to Moonlight. Warren Beatty explained that he was given the wrong card and I don’t even know what really happened. But I do know that Steve Harvey mouth farted out a giant cloud of relief, because he’s no longer the biggest fuck up when it comes to naming the rightful winner on a card. It was five tons of awkward wrapped in forty layers of mess and drizzled with a sauce made of potent fuckery. Damn you, Faye, Warren and whoever was in charge of the cards for fucking up Moonlight’s moment like this!
— Good Morning America (@GMA) February 27, 2017
I hope this means that Leonardo DiCaprio was so stoned from vaping backstage that he read “Emma Stone” instead of “Isabelle Huppert” and Brie Larson blacked out for a second and read “Casey Affleck” instead of “Denzel Washington.”
The Grammys are the time and place for some high fashion fuckery. You can go high concept crazy (see: CeeLo Green), or you can go tacky casual with a twist of try hard. Halsey chose the latter. Halsey told Giuliana Rancic that her look was “a little TLC, a little Aaliyah.” When I first saw Halsey on the red carpet, I immediately got a T-Boz in the Creep video vibe. Halsey must have realized that she couldn’t blatantly rip-off such a legendary look without receiving a cease-and-desist, and so she added her own spin. And in this case, her spin was to ditch the matching robe and walk down the red carpet with her tits out. She also went with her natural hair, which was a choice. Personally I would have gone full-homage to T-Boz with some bangs and side-curtains. But I’ll give her a pass on this one. If she didn’t have time to steam the wrinkles out of her ensemble, I doubt she had time to clip on some hair.
If I was in charge of the Prince tribute at the Grammys, I would have cut together a 45-minute clip package of Prince’s sexiest scenes from Purple Rain and Under the Cherry Moon, but that would have cut into Adele’s time cleaning up. So instead the Grammys paid tribute to Prince by getting pocket-sized hottie Bruno Mars to sing and wail on a guitar.
Bruno joined The Time, who opened the tribute with Jungle Love and The Bird, to sing a cover of Let’s Go Crazy. Bruno decided to dress up like Prince, and he went with the purple jacket/white lace ruffle shirt look. I was hoping he might strut out on stage in an assless yellow lace jumpsuit. Maybe he just couldn’t get enough butt-popping squats in before the show. If so, then he made a wise decision. After all, if you can’t do Prince’s ass the justice it deserves, don’t do it at all. There’s no half-assing it when it come’s to Prince’s ass.
Bruno did do Prince’s sensual guitar skills right. Just like when Prince put on a porny shadow puppet show with his guitar during the halftime show at the Super Bowl, around the 4:06 mark Bruno Mars teases the FCC by working his guitar like a pretend dick.
— V.C.I. (@VitoConte02) February 13, 2017
The end of Bruno’s performance gave me shades of a high school student in a homemade Prince costume about three seconds away from being dragged off the stage of the talent show and by a pearl-clutching Vice Principal. But I feel like that’s the sort of tribute Prince would totally be into.
Metallica and Lady Gaga performed together at the Grammys last night, but if you went by Laverne Cox’s introduction, Lady Gaga and Lady Gaga alone performed! While introducing their performance, Laverne totally forgot to say Metallica’s name. You had ONE job, Laverne! Laverne’s fuck-up was some foreshadowing shit. Laverne wasn’t the only one who forgot about Metallica. It seems like whoever was in charge of turning James Hetfield’s mic on forgot about them too.
Katy Perry performed her new single, Chained to the Rhythm, at the Grammys last night while simultaneously paying tribute to Wilson from Home Improvement. But before that, she walked the red carpet and caused some of the internet to start furiously typing after hearing Katy not-so-subtly drag Britney Spears not once, but twice.
After Beyonce covered the Grammys stage with a fertility sun goddess meets Young Pope extravaganza, I fully expected the other performers to suddenly come down with a serious case of the wet shits and refuse to perform. I also expected the other winners to hand their trophy over to Beyonce before worshipping at her deity feet. Adele kind of did that after her album 25 won Album of the Year.