Nicolas Cage has had quite a rough few weeks, even by Nic Cage standards. He got drunk-married in Las Vegas to Erika Koike for a few glorious days, then tried to annul said marriage and now she’s going after him for spousal support. So what does one do when confronted with such a disaster of a few weeks? Well, if you’re Nic Cage you do a rage(y)-scream(y)-karaoke version of Purple Rain. Here comes the second coming of Prince to slap that mic out of Nic’s hand.
You might have figured that Donald Trump’s favorite music to listen to is the sound of his own voice and 25% less of Taylor Swift. *eye-roll*. But you were wrong! It pains me to type but Trump is a Prince fan. (Ugh, he probably likes “Batdance.”) You know those “rallies” that Trump holds around the country to supposedly support a GOP candidate but are actually to let him jerk his ego off publicly by reliving his election win and bloviating to his supporters like it’s still 2016? Yeah, those. Well, Prince’s song “Purple Rain” is on the playlist of songs they play at them. And Prince, who left us for the Paisley Park in Heaven on April 21, 2016, didn’t give permission for that before he strutted his low-heeled boots off of this plain. The Hollywood Reporter has revealed that Prince’s estate has asked Trump to stop. Oh no, let’s go!
Dr. Michael Schulenberg and your neighborhood Walgreens are probably wishing that an iconic spark plug of funk in bell bottoms, cha cha heels, and a sexy attitude had never moved with catlike grace into their lives. TMZ reports that Prince’s family is suing his doctor (and the Walgreens corporation) over his death by fentanyl overdose in April 2016.
When future Vegas residency Justin Timberlake made comas look entertaining during the Superbowl this year, he took a moment to pay homage to dearly departed halftime legend and sexy-motherfucker-even-in-death Prince. His “homage” was tacky bullshit, though, and was obviously just an attempt to spit on Prince’s purple paisley genderbended mausoleum urn because he’s pressed that Prince was everything and he’s the kind of person who allowed mockery of homeless people at his wedding. He’s also probably irritated because Prince thought he was beneath his purple contempt. Especially when it came to having to share a bathroom with him. It’s true, his Royal Badness had to share a bathroom with Justin Timberlake one time and he was displeased over it. Hopefully the people involved in that decision received a lifetime ban from Paisley Park. Continue reading
After Prince made heaven a sexier place in 2016, the Midwest Medical Examiner’s office declared that he died of an accidental fentanyl overdose. Fentanyl is also what took Michael Jackson and Tom Petty. An investigation into Prince’s death was opened, and today Carver County attorney Mark Metz announced that the investigation is now closed. And unlike in the case of Michael Jackson, nobody will be charged and no one will go to prison.
According to CNN, Mark Metz said in a press conference that Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness had no idea he was taking fentanyl. Prince did have an opiate addiction, and some Vicodin pills he bought turned out to be counterfeit. They were laced with fentanyl. I guess the Carver County prosecutors don’t have a Detective La Toya Jackson on staff, because they failed to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. They weren’t able to find out who Prince bought dirty Vicodin pills from, and there’s no evidence that proves people around him knew he was really taking fentanyl. Why do I have a feeling that during their investigation, prosecutors got a voicemail on their tip line from a mystery woman with an Irish accent who said, “Check out that shifty dick sucker Arse-inio Hall.”
Another purple nug from the Prince vault has been unearthed. Prince apparently had aspirations of becoming the face of the Black Lives Matter movement. But Price wanted a second so he thought and he thought about who he’d like to have join him in his crusade against racial injustice. I guess Chaka Khan wasn’t unavailable so he went the next person on his list, Donatella Versace.