Hot Slut Of The Day!

Miss Colombia, Ariadna Gutierrez, the victim of the crime of the CRIME OF THE CENTURY committed by that dream-killing demon monster Steve Harvey!

Since dried drop of smegma Donald Trump no longer owns the Miss Universe pageant, I watched that mess completely guilt-free last night. Miss Philippines was one of my picks early on, because she gave FACE BEAUTY FACE. Nearly every time the camera panned to her, Miss Philippines turned it on. Her face told a dozen stories and every story was wrapped in Barbizon-approved glamour. So when she made it to the final 3, I figured she’d end up crown-less since my favorites never win. Steve Harvey announced Sofia Vergara Lite (aka Miss Colombia) as the winner and that seemed about right. South America always wins.

Miss Colombia got her crown, got her flowers and did her walk and wave while thinking about how she’s going to spend the next 12 months cutting ribbons and waving But then Steve Harvey smashed her dreams into a million pieces when he stumbled back onto the stage and basically pulled a “recall last e-mail.” Steve Harvey had only one job to do and he fucked it up. Steve read the card wrong and Miss Colombia was first-runner up and the true winner was Miss Philippines. I know, how very Australia’s Next Top Model of him.

Miss Colombia should’ve held onto her crown and ran out of that bitch while screaming, “No take backs!  No take backs!” But instead, she stood there and made the same face I’d make if a server at Red Lobster told me they were all out of cheddar bay biscuits. And in her head, Miss Philippines was thinking about doing this:

You’ve probably already seen it a million times, but just in case you haven’t, here’s the moment that will lead to Colombia declaring war on our asses:

After that awkward train wreck, Steve Harvey dribbled out a few “I’m sowwies” on Twitter and his first one had to be deleted, because instead of apologizing to Miss Colombia and Miss Philippines, he apologized to Miss Columbia University and the queen representing the Philippians in the Miss Bible pageant.

Everybody pretty much won, though. Miss Colombia and Miss Philippines got more attention than they would’ve gotten if that royal “fuck-up” never happened. And I’m sure Steve Harvey got a major bonus for performing that staged STUNT QUEEN stunt perfectly. The real winner of the night was the producer who came up with a manufactured SCANDAL that got everybody talking about the Miss Universe pageant in the year 2015. Yes, I’m a Miss Universe truther.

Pic: AP