That Was CeeLo Green Under All That Gold Nonsense

So remember back in December when a cell phone exploded in CeeLo Green’s face and it turned out to be a big hoax to promote his new music project, Gnarly Davidson? We finally got to meet Gnarly Davidson in person during the Grammys. And just like his namesake, Gnarly is also loud, obnoxious, and looks like he stinks of chemical fumes. And yet, still more tolerable that the real CeeLo Green.

CeeLo wore a gold ensemble with some kind of comic book villain thing happening on his head. I’m sure the look he was going for was menacing and powerful, but he looks more like a knock-off Power Ranger toy from the dollar store. He also looks like what you’d get from a grandma who has never seen Star Wars after she offers to make your C3PO costume for Halloween. Of course the internet quickly took to roasting him on Twitter and turning him into a variety of memes.

Some of that gold spray paint must have reacted poorly with some butt crack sweat and caused a major chafe situation, because CeeLo Green didn’t stick around the Grammys for very long. It appears he hopped into one of Adam West’s old rides and went home.

https://twitter.com/WORLDSTAR/status/830982278385901568

CeeLo didn’t win anything because he wasn’t actually nominated for a Grammy this year, so he wasn’t leaving early out of pettiness. Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised if CeeLo’s crazy ass thought he was nominated in every category. The final straw came after losing Best Country Solo Performance to Maren Morris, and he was like “That’s it, this shit is clearly rigged. Driver, go get the car.”

Here’s more of CeeNO STOP at the Grammys last night, as well as his debut as Gnarly Davidson at a pre-Grammy party on Saturday night.

Pic: Splash

Is The Beyhive Still Alive?

When Beyonce’s never-ending Grammy’s performance started tonight and I saw her looking like the Virgin Mary if the Virgin Mary was a member of the 1%, I screamed, “FUUUUUUCK,” out loud, because I wished that I would’ve bought stock in a casket company. Because you know, nearly ever member of the Beyhive immediately ran out and bought a coffin so that they could die in it after being blessed by their God’s performance tonight.

While wearing a headdress that was equal parts She-Ra, Aaliyah in the Queen of the Damned and Madonna at the Super Bowl, the reincarnation of Jesus busted out a medley of Love Draught, Sandcastles and THE BIBLE at the Grammys tonight. It was like a live performance version of her EXTRA pregnancy portraits but with a major budget. It was so HIGH ART that I’m sure the MET in NYC is going to burn every piece of art they have, and the only thing they’ll show from now on is Beyonce’s Grammy’s performance.

https://twitter.com/thebeyworldcom/status/830963884135694336

Meanwhile, some second year performance art student logged on to LegalZoom to find out how to throw a lawsuit at Kleptoyonce for stealing and recreating their first year project at the Grammys tonight.

Pic: @BeyonceCapital

Now THAT Was A Tribute To George Michael: Adele Dropped An F Bomb At The Grammys

Adele opened the Grammys tonight with her cover of Lionel Richie’s Hello (I Wish) and so many people probably didn’t watch the rest of the show because they were crying out all of the liquids in their body while in the fetal position. But later on in the show, Adele did the tribute to George Michael.

Adele did a slowed-down version of one of my favorite George Michael songs, Fastlove. I nearly broke my jaw while cringing when I heard that Adele was going to do that song, because it is a great slut anthem and makes you want to give a stranger a lap dance, or troll for some dick in the park, or put up a Craigslist Casual Encounters ad with your real phone number hidden in it. Fastlove is not meant to be some sappy, melancholy, elevator song. So I was all ready to say three words that would’ve opened up a trap door to hell under my couch. The three words being: DAMN YOU, ADELE!

But I changed my mind when she stopped after her first verse, blew out the fuck word (which was bleeped, BOO!) and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t mess this up for him, I’m sorry, I can’t.” Adele then turned away from the mic and said “Fuck.” I like to think that George Michael was in the afterworld, loving every damn minute of this extra dramatic moment.

https://twitter.com/AdeleDailyInfo/status/830978698060894208

Am I still here for Adele’s version of one of my favorite ho shit anthems? Not totally, but I appreciate her starting over for George Michael and dropping the fuck word. And yes, next year, she will get the Grammy for the Best F Bomb Dropped During The Grammys.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com, Splash

Kanye West And Justin Bieber Think The Grammys Are For The Dusty Out-Of-Touch Olds

I learned that the Grammys were meaningless years ago when they failed to honor the musical artistry of the Spice Girls. How can I take a musical awards show seriously when they don’t give one nomination to the Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Chopin and Vivaldi of our time? (Actually, that’s not a fair comparison. Beethoven and them never produced anything as artistic as “zig-a-zig-ah.“) Apparently, Kanye West and Justin Bieber have figured out that the Grammys are out-of-touch and will not grace the ceremony with their presence next month. Forget about the world crumbling into the gutter right now, the real reason why our cheeks are covered with tears today is because Kanye and The Biebs aren’t going to the Grammys. How will we ever find the strength to go on?

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