When buff giraffe Calvin Harris and yodeling giraffe Taylor Swift pinky swore to keep the details of their relationship between them, she was obviously crossing her fingers behind her back, because DUH. Trick has hit songs to write. But Calvin may also have been crossing his fingers behind his back, because he may have spilled some shit on Instagram yesterday.

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“And that where Channing put skin stick. In the lady cave. Channing do good sex.“…is what I like to think sexy caveman stripper doofus Channing Tatum is explaining in the picture above. Oh, who am I kidding? If he’s saying anything, it’s probably: “I TOTALLY HIT THAT BEEEEEOTCH! HAHAHAHAHA.”

If you have ever wondered what sex is like between Channing Tatum and his wife Jenna Dewan Tatum, you’re in luck. Channing got all Taxicab Confessions during a Facebook Live interview with Cosmopolitan (via UsWeekly) about their sex life, and it’s capital S-E-X-Y. Channing says that sometimes they do it fast. Sometimes they do it slow. And sometimes he just lays there and lets her do all the work. Ooooh, someone open a window; it just got very hot in here.

“I just lay there. I just lay down, sometimes I nap. Yeah, she’s really athletic. We get down! We truly have all different kinds of sex. Sometimes it’s like, ‘Look, you gotta get this done. I gotta go to work.’ And that’s a real thing. To me, that’s us being completely open…Then you have full-on, just completely totally connected otherworldly connections. We communicate very well. We don’t hate fuck each other. That’s not what we do.”

Hold up. Who said anything about hate fucking??? That interview took a really sharp turn. That doesn’t exactly seem like Cosmo sex tip material. Then again, I haven’t read Cosmo in a couple of years. But I think I would have remembered passing a cover boasting “23 NEW Ways to Hate Fuck Your Man” in the grocery store.

So there you go. Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum have normal people sex. That’s fine. But what I really want to know more about are those “otherworldly connections.” Like, are we talking ‘fucking so good you go forward in time and get a thumbs-up from your own ghost’ kind of otherworldly? Or is it more like a ‘humping yourselves into an alternate universe that you can only return from via a three-way with Dr. Sam Beckett‘ kind of thing. I need to know these things, Channing! Have you had Quantum Leap sex or not?

Pic: Splash

The most shocking split since Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay happened yesterday, and obviously all of you already know, because if you’re American, you already went on ASOS.com to see how much stuff your dollar can get today.  It’s times like these when I’m glad that instead of contributing to a 401k, I contributed to the current state of my mental health by buying weed.

I can talk out of my asshole about almost anything (“You do and we know.” – anyone who has read one word of this blog), but I can’t do that about Brexit. But thankfully, America’s greatest contribution to the UK since Caprice Bourret was there last night to try to guide me. “Try” being the keyword.

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On Tuesday, Michael posted some recent-ish pap pictures of Amber Heard during his post about Johnny Depp’s ongoing bromance with Doug Stanhope, and it made me realize that I hadn’t seen any new pictures of Johnny Depp’s dirty ass in a while. My first thought was that maybe he had gone incognito to throw off the paps, like wearing an elaborate disguise, or showering. As it turns out, there’s a reason for why we haven’t seen Johnny Depp recently. He’s still in the Bahamas.

A source tells People that poor sad Johnny is so sad about everything that has been happening with his soon-to-be ex-wife lately, he hasn’t left his private island in the Bahamas. He’s been there for a couple of weeks and he’s not going back to L.A. anytime soon.

“He has no plans to return to L.A. He misses nothing about L.A. but his kids, and they are visiting him in the Bahamas.”

The source claims that Johnny’s daughter Lily-Rose Depp has recently visited him on Scarf Island. His son Jack and Johnny Depp Fanclub Member Vanessa Paradis will visit sometime in the next couple of days. The source adds that a whole bunch of Johnny’s friends have flown to the island to hang out with him. Apparently Johnny “likes being surrounded by people” and that everyone is “trying to cheer him up.”

Johnny can’t stay on his private island forever. He’s due back in the United States in July to continue touring with the Hollywood Vampires.

I totally get having a Calgon, take me away moment when shit gets ugly. But it’s a little surprising to me that his private island in the Bahamas is still his happy place. Johnny seems like a ~superstitious~ type that would think there was too much bad vibes on the island leftover from their second wedding ceremony. But maybe that’s why he keeps having so many damn visitors. They’re not there to keep him company; they’re there to help him cleanse the island of all of Amber’s energy. “Hey guys! Don’t forget to pack your shaman-blessed sage! And if someone could bring me a couple extra quartz crystals, that would be great.”

Pic: Wenn.com

When part-time singer/full-time social media mess Demi Lovato returned to Twitter on Tuesday after a 24-hour hiatus from “sayin shit” and “the haters“, she promised that she was coming back “more honest than ever.” In Demi Speak, that usually means she’s going to start ranting so loud, even the Ghost of Coked-Up Demi Past would be like “Girl, stop, you’re giving me a headache.” And last night she delivered on that promise.

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My pick and upvote winner:

Watch Me Blow Up My Face” is the only Adam Sandler movie people will pay to see anymore. – SrirachaSanchez

Pic: Break