This long diarrhea nightmare of an election finally ends on Tuesday…. unless we get a reboot of 2000 and Florida has to do a recount, which will make most of us walk into the nearest ocean to join the dolphins. If you’re voting this weekend or on Shit Show Tuesday, then warm up your votin’ hand by voting for October’s Hot Slut of the Month! But I don’t allow write-ins, so don’t ask. But if your write-in vote is Joan Collins, I’ll make an exception.

As always, the first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month and the fourth one is a wild card picked out by me. Your choices are:

Ana Navarro – Political commentator, one of the bright spots of this election and legendary Trump slayer!

Lt. Deuntay Diggs – The police lieutenant from Stafford County, VA who is serving Beyonceography and gorgeous brows when he’s not protecting the people!

Rocky’s gold Speedo – The gold Speedo that perfectly made Rocky’s down-low goods look like a pile of treasure in the only Rocky Horror Picture Show movie we need!

K-Mac McConaughey – Matthew McConaughey’s Kendall Jackson-drinking, Fleetwood Mac-loving Texas sparkler of a mom!

Voting is below and the winning HS will be announced next Friday. But depending on how Tuesday goes, there could be a revolution and therefore the winner will never be announced. We’ll all go to our grave wondering, “But who was October’s Hot Slut of the Month?”

Pics: @ananavarro, ABC, 20th Century Fox, Getty

Last night was the Los Angeles premiere of Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Darren Criss (all together: groooooan) and it brought out Demi Moore who was dressed like she accidentally stumbled onto the carpet while searching for a juice box and a cookie. You know, there may be a very good reason for why Demi Moore looks like a middle-aged Anna from Frozen in a half-assed Dennis the Menace disguise. That woman next to Demi is her friend, costume designer Arianne Phillips, so maybe the two are working on an updated reboot of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and Demi plays Mary Hartman who lives her life as though she’s trapped in a Snapchat filter (see: flower crown) and considers Stewie from Family Guy her fashion icon. Demi is trying to be all method so she wore her costume out. Yeah, that must be it…

Courtney Love was also there last night and she looked pretty good. When you’re at the same event as Courtney Love and Courtney Love looks less messy than you, it’s time for a long talk with God….or your stylist.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

When it was announced last month that the third season of American Crime Story would focus on the murder of Gianni Versace, Michael, myself, and everyone else pleaded with the television gods to spare us from Lady Gaga as Donatella Versace. Either the prayer reception up in Television Heaven isn’t too good or A-list Donatella impersonator Miss Fame was busy with a prior commitment, because Gaga is reportedly a done deal.

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Khloe Kartrashian was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to pimp out whatever who cares, and she once again proved that her fame whore family is really pulling back on flaunting their gaudy ass riches by saying that a stranger handed Kendall Jenner keys to a $250,000 Rolls-Royce on Wednesday night. In Khloe’s Juvéderm’d brain (Yes, she Juvéderms it. All wrinkles are gross!), she thinks that the dude was a regular Oprah and just gave Kendall a car for free.

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I’m sure that as Beyonce walked off stage after performing Daddy Lessons with the Dixie Chicks at the Country Music Awards in Nashville on Wednesday, she expected the President of Country Music, Twang McHey-Y’all, would appear in a cloud of hickory smoke and crown her the Queen of Country. That’s not what happened.

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The asshole black sheep of the Tyco Quints, Justin Bieber, is taking his Purpose tour to the Sambadrome in Rio de Janeiro next March (as in March 2017), and a handful of Brazilian Beliebers are already camping out. They’re not camping out for tickets, they already have those. Since the tickets aren’t numbered, the first ones in get the best spots, so they’re waiting in line FIVE FUCKING MONTHS in advance. If on December 25th, you start to feel sorry for yourself because you’re spending the holiday with nothing but a box of wine and porn (that sounds like a dream, actually), don’t! Make yourself feel better by telling yourself that in Rio, a Belieber is spending their Christmas lying on the sidewalk while waiting to see the maple syrup-covered piece of tampon lint in concert.

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