The bug-eyed-and-sexy Emmy winner Rami Malek (aka “Mr. Robot”) is set to play Queen’s flamingly wonderful lead singer, Freddie Mercury, in the long-awaited biopic called Bohemian Rhapsody.

Variety reports that everyone’s favorite delusional television “hacktivist” (apologies for using that ridiculous word, but my grammar checker inferred that I was boring when I tried to use “hacker“) will be helmed by (the alleged sketchball) X-Men franchise director Bryan Singer. Queen members Brian May and Roger Taylor will serve as music producers on the film (and hopefully get back in these outfits for inspiration).

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This summer, Playboy Playmate Dani Mathers declared herself a member in good standing of the “Why Humanity Sucks” Club when she secretly snapped a picture of a naked 70-year-old woman changing in her gym’s locker room and then posted it on her Snapchat with a cunty caption.
Well, besides being an a-hole extraordinaire, she can add “pioneer” to her social media profiles (she should keep “the a-hole extraordinaire” on there)!

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Brad Pitt finally got around to answering his ex Angelina Jolie’s divorce petition. His ass must have been roused out of his purple haze when he noted Angie had checked off the box marked “SOLE CUSTODY” on the form. Angie’s alleged idea of divorce settlement negotiating must be “I don’t want my kids smelling like Isla O.G., so you can see em’ every other Sunday.”

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Couch Potato!

Couch Potato came out in 1986, so 1986 was the year in the 1980s when toy and games company Coleco decided, why not, and went all-the-way “fuck it” by putting out a stuffed potato doll that did absolutely nothing, just like the lazy bitches it was modeled after. Today I Found Out tells me that a dude named Tom Lacino claims his brain invented the phrase “couch potato” while he was on a phone call in 1976. Tom was part of a group called the “Boob Tubers,” which was a satire organization that was put together in 1973 as a response to Californians acting all health-crazy.  Tom’s fellow Boob Tuber Robert Armstrong turned “couch potato” into a cartoon and HISTORY WAS MADE and that phrase was farted into our eyeballs every second in the 1980s.

The Couch Potato doll wasn’t really supposed to be a toy. It was more of a gag gift you bought someone at Spencer’s. It was something you bought for a lazy, carb-swallowing, beer-guzzling TV whore who needed a loyal friend (because you know, it can’t move) to be a sloth with. Couch Potato was basically a bald Mama June, but a lot more useful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sn0WiCjBwm4

Coleco also made a lady Couch Potato named Sweet Couch Potato and put out a lazy, stoner-eyed couch potato baby named Small Fry. And now I’m off to eBay to find the Couch Potato family, because unlike my dog, they will stick with me and won’t throw me a, “God, this sight is disgusting and embarrassing,” look when I’m eating melted ice cream, rum and Oreos soup while binge-watching Real Housewives of Melbourne, again.

Pic: Etsy

Tilda Swinton (56)
Josie Canseco (20)
Odell Beckham Jr. (24)
Kevin Jonas (29)
BoA (30)
Roxy Olin (31)
Alexa Chung (33)
Luke Hemsworth (36)
Ryan Adams (42)
Danniella Westbrook (43)
Seth Gilliam (48)
Sam Rockwell (48)
Famke Janssen (52)
Andrea McArdle (53)
Tatum O’Neal (53)
Bryan Adams (57)
Mo Gaffney (58)
Robert Patrick (58)
Kris Jenner (61)
Howard McGillin (63)
Peter Noone (69)
Sam Shepard (73)
Art Garfunkel (75)
Vivien Leigh (1913-1967)

Pic: AnOther

There’s a theory going around that Lindsay Lohan may be a secret agent whose being paid by Turkey’s government to promote the ideas of its president. So Turkey’s government has Lindsay Lohan, North Korea’s government has Dennis Rodman and Russia’s government has Steven Seagal. Tara Reid, get your agent to call Iran’s government, because they may be looking for an American mess to represent them – The Superficial

I still don’t know why Lip-Sync Battle is a show, but I’ll take Lupita Nyong’o moving her mouth to Whatta Man – Lainey Gossip 

Nicole Kidman or a mannequin that vaguely looks like Nicole Kidman? – Drunken Stepfather

Free Giggy! Or at least free Giggy from that neck-choking mess of an outfit – Reality Tea 

Nick Jonas bared his furry nips on Snapchat – Towleroad

And Robbie Williams bared his furry nips on Attitude – OMG Blog

Alessandra Ambrosio didn’t bare her non-furry nips, but she did shower them in GQ – Hollywood Tuna

Zack Morris is really sorry for that “Running Zack” episode of Saved By The Bell. Okay, but when are the makers of SBTB going to apologize for inflicting Dustin Diamond upon the world? – Pajiba

Since Kim Kartrashian is still on fame whore hiatus, someone has to post ass selfies on Instagram and that someone is JLo – Popoholic

Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively’s second kid is probably a girl – Popsugar

And here’s a big one for the FUCK CANCER files, Michael Buble’s 3-year-old son has cancer – Just Jared

Pic: Wenn.com