Hot Slut Of The Day!

Rocky’s gold speedo from the original (and ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS) Rocky Horror Picture Show movie!

Deadline says that Fox’s The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let’s Do The Time Warp Again (“Let’s not.” – everyone) got a 3.4/5 rating (whatever that means) and that’s down 54% from the rating that Grease: Live! got. But millions of poor bitches, like me, still watched and I’m guessing that at least half of them called 911 while witnessing how Fox sucked every ounce of life out of Rocky Horror, kicked it in the asshole repeatedly, butchered it dead with a cleaver, shit and pissed on its corpse, buried it, pulled it out again and shit and pissed on it some more before shoving its soggy remains into the garbage disposal.

I tried to keep an open mind before going into last night’s sacrilegious butchery of Rocky Horror, but my mind shut its doors, locked up and pulled down the security gate about 10 minutes in. Trying to make Rocky Horror mainstream and family friendly should be a crime and that’s exactly what Fox did, as expected. It was everything Rocky Horror is not: lifeless, boring, sanitized and it had the sexiness and energy of a snail humping an empty bottle of Purell. It was like a Christian day school production of Rocky Horror using leftover set pieces from a Universal Studios stage show and costumes provided by a Hot Topic outlet. It was Rocky High School Musical. I did like seeing Tim Curry as the narrator, but every time he talked to the camera, I pretended he was sending me a subliminal message that said: Change the channel now, child, save yourself!

I ignored Tim Curry’s pleas (which I made up), because I figured that at least my eyeballs would get touched by the gold-wrapped bulge on a muscled-up hot piece. WRONG. This is what Fox’s version of Rocky wore:

Rocky in some basketball shorts tells you everything you need to know about Fox’s Gymboree-ing of Rocky Horror. Sometimes when a dude wears long ass basketball shorts, his soft dick sways back and forth like a chubby caterpillar on a swing. I didn’t see any of that on Rocky. ILLEGAL! Thank God that after watching Fox’s Rocky Horror abomination, I could go to Google Images and cleanse my eyes on a picture of Peter Hinwood’s gold bulge. Rocky without tight gold man undies is like life without oxygen. Those bitches at Fox should be jailed immediately!

Pics: 20th Century Fox, @allisonpiwo