Category: Ashley Greene

Blake Lively Went With The “Raggedy Cruise Ship Dancer” Look For The People’s Choice Awards

January 19, 2017 / Posted by:

If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.

Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.

Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.

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Joe Jonas Isn’t Sorry That He Outed Ashley Greene As His First

October 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Last week, Joe Jonas did a Reddit Ask Me Anything, and during it he let everyone know who was the first lady to jump on the largest Jonas dick. Joe said that he lost his virginity to “this girl named Ashley” and added to “Google it to figure out which Ashley that is.” It was obvious he was talking about Twilight person Ashley Greene. You’d think Ashley Green would have been happy that so many people were searching her name in 2016, but she wasn’t.

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Universal Treasure Tim Curry Honored With A Lifetime Achievement Award On Tony Night

June 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Almost three years ago, human jewel Tim Curry had a major stroke that left him in a bad way. Since then, humanity has been asking “Where the hell is Tim Curry to show these bitches how it’s really done?” and I think I asked that question out loud while watching Christopher Walken in NBC’s Peter Pan Live! Tim Curry has been laying low and recovering with the help of physical therapy. At last night’s Actors Fund Tony Awards Viewing Party in Los Angeles, Tim Curry rolled onto the red carpet to receive a lifetime achievement award for his contributions to making ass lips pucker by swishing, swaying and serving pure talent in Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Worst Witch, etc… etc…

Tim, who’s my favorite age (69), still has to use a wheelchair to get around, but he told Los Angeles Magazine during an interview about his lifetime achievement award from the Actors Fund that he’s doing okay.

Since your stroke you have made limited public appearances. How are you doing and are you looking forward to the Actors Fund event?
I’m doing well and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve done a few benefits for the Actors Fund and I think it’s a marvelous organization. I hope not to have to use it.

How important is your sense of humor to you?
Vital. Absolutely vital. It’s not tough to maintain. It is just part of my DNA.

When I woke up this morning, I saw all these headlines about how Tim Curry was honored at the Tonys. I drunkenly watched every single second of the Tonys (because as a gay dude who once lived in NYC I like to play a game of “Oh Shit, My Friend Totally Blew That One Chorus Boy In A Gay Bar Bathroom” while watching it) and I didn’t remember Tim Curry showing up at all. I almost looked up information for the nearest AA group, because I obviously have a problem if booze ate my memory of seeing a legend like Tim Curry at the Tonys. But after injecting coffee directly into my brain, I realized he was at a Tony viewing party. Tim should’ve been at the actual Tonys, though. They should’ve cut that ship wreck of a Finding Neverland performance and let Tim sing a Rocky Horror/Annie/The Worst Witch/Spamalot medley as he descended from above in his wheelchair. That’s what the Tonys needed.

Here’s a few more pictures of Tim Curry at the Actors Fund Tony Viewing Party. I also threw in a million pictures from the actual Tonys of Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera and other Broadway legends like Gigi Hadid, Ashley Greene and that model who got naked in a Robin Thicke video.


Ashley Greene’s Building Manager Claims He Found A Crack Pipe In Her Torched Apartment

October 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above leaving Bristol Farms after probably buying artisinal organic crack, Ashley Greene’s ex building manager said in a sworn deposition that he found a crack pipe in her apartment after it burned up and also said that she seemed “out of it” after the fire. Um, it would be weird if Ashley didn’t seem out of her body and fucked up after her dog friend went to heaven in an apartment fire.

Last year, Ashley’s apartment in West Hollywood burned up after a candle reportedly fell on the sofa while she, her boyfriend and brother were sleeping. Ashley’s fox terrier died in the fire. The manager of the building, Adrian Mayorga, and several others have thrown a lawsuit at Ashley, because they claim they suffered permanent respiratory damage from the fire which they say was her fault. The NYDN says that during a sworn deposition, Adrian claimed that while cleaning out her apartment after the fire destroyed it, a worker found a glass crack pipe. Adrian also says that after the fire, Ashley, her boyfriend Ryan Phillippe and her brother looked under the influence of some kind of shit.

“They looked like they were drunk or under the influence of something,” Mayorga reportedly stated in the deposition.

“The only people I saw getting treated was Ashley Greene,” he continued, “her brother, Joe Green, and her — the current boyfriend, Ryan Phillippe.”

In other words, that Adrian trick is trying to make it seem like it was a crack pipe fire.

Even though Ryan was seeing Paula Slagter back then, there were rumors that he and Ashley were doing it and he was sleeping at her apartment that night. Ryan has denied it and TMZ says that he also swore in a declaration that he wasn’t there the morning of the fire and he’s never been in that apartment before.

Did somebody organize a line-up of different glass pipes and ask Adrian to pick out the one he saw that day, because maybe he didn’t see a crack pipe, maybe he saw the kind of pipe some of us use to smoke Ashley Greene’s last name out of. That makes more sense. But then again, Ashley Greene will forever be known as “that girl who isn’t Kristen Stewart from Twatlight,” so I wouldn’t be totally surprised if she smoked up that bad shit. Who wouldn’t?


One Of Ashley Greene’s Dogs Died In A Fire That Destroyed Her Condo (UPDATE)

March 22, 2013 / Posted by:

And here’s some shitty and sad news for your Friday afternoon… One of Ashley Greene’s dog is up in heaven now after it died in a fire that broke out this morning and completely destroyed her condo in West Hollywood. Ashley had two dog friends, Marlo (pictured with her above) and Theo, and one of them survived. It’s not known which one died.

Ashley’s rep tells UsWeekly that she wasn’t home when the fire broke out on the couch this morning, but she drove over there as soon as one of her neighbors called to tell her what happened. But TMZ heard a different story. A firefighter at the scene told TMZ that Ashley, her boyfriend (who apparently isn’t Ryan Phillippe) and her brother were out late last night so they were sleeping in. A fire started on the sofa in the living room and after they woke up and realized the whole place was in flames, they ran out of there without the dogs. They all realized that the dogs didn’t run out with them, so her boyfriend and her brother tried to go back to get them, but they weren’t able to. As Ashley’s neighbors tried to control the fire with fire extinguishers, one dog made it out. One of Ashley’s nosy neighbors tells TMZ that before the fire, her brother and her boyfriend were going in and out of the apartment all morning and they heard glass breaking.

If a fire broke out in my apartment, the only things I’d grab would be my bong and my dog. If a fire broke out in my apartment, I’d like to think that my dog would grab me too, but he’d probably just grab the bacon from the fridge. Speaking of bacon, I should probably put back the battery I took out of the smoke alarm in my living room because it kept going off every time I cooked bacon.

Rest in peace, Ashley’s doggy.

UPDATE: TMZ says that a candle was the cause. Somebody left a candle on and it somehow fell on the sofa and started the fire.


The Look: Elle Fanning’s Prada Sandals On Roids

November 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen – Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she’s already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can’t give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don’t know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don’t have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they’d fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It’s kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there’s no way you’re getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I’m sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That’s not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

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