What In Deadliest Catch Hell?

If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People’s Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can’t get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It’s a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People’s Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.

Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I’m assuming she’s got a glam team (or “barf team” to those of us who don’t have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, “We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm.” Don’t get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn’t be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might’ve worked if they dropped a Gorton’s Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn’t and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.

And here’s a few more from last night’s The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma’s sun room).

Ashley Greene Is Funny

Ashley Greene, or as you know her as “?????”, lives inside of a glistening bubble fresh out of delusion’s ass where she truly believes that the paparazzi just magically show up without her calling them and she’s as big of a tabloid star as Brangelina. Ashley said in the new issue of Allure Magazine (via UsWeekly) that the non-love triangle between she, Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato was basically the Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston love triangle for the potty training set. Ashley headbutted the clouds as she said this:

“I’m really happy that she’s (Demi Lovato) doing well. She and I never had a problem with each other, but, you know, it doesn’t go away. Jen Aniston still gets asked about Angelina Jolie.”

“Ashley, please tell me your thoughts on Demi Lovato,” said absolutely fucking no one.

Ashley really makes hallucinating seem fun. Ashley, when you’re done with that blunt of shredded delusion, please pass it here, because I’d really like to see this pimple on my chest as a third nipple everybody’s getting in line to suck. Then, you can go to the section marked “HO, SIT DOWN” and get comfortable. You’re going to be there a while.

Eyes That Only A Cucumber Could Love

Okay, that headline is not entirely true or fair. Yes, cucumbers would love to gently lay on top of Vince Vaughn’s swollen stuffed bags and soothe them until they no longer look like miniature versions of Lisa Rinna’s anal gland lips, but we can all learn to love them. If you look at them through permanent perverted eyes (aka my eyes) and access the part of your imagination that’s run by your genitals, Vince Vaughn’s double carry-on eye bags sort of, kind of look like tiny crooked labias! If you look at ’em that way, then you will definitely love them. How can you not love labia eye bags?

If you sat on his peen and stuck your tongue between his under eye pussy bags, it would be like having a simplified bi-sexual threesome! And you don’t have to worry about an extra pair of legs kicking you in the head. I bet there’s a little cream in between there, so it would be like eating the real thing! Since I put it that way, right?

Here’s more of Labia Eyes Vaughn at last night’s Chrysalis Butterfly Ball in L.A. with: Ashley Greene, Meadow Soprano, Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Noxzema Girl, McSteamy, Brad from The Chupa Zoe Project, Sienna Miller’s ex-whore with his wife, a midget lesbian in drag as Steve Buscemi and Ryan Phillippe.

Dusty Scenes From Coachella

It’s that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It’s Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.

Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer’s footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.

Anyway, here’s who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.

Ashley Greene Doesn’t Waste A Minute

It was only about six minutes ago when Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas took their final bows and closed the curtain on the act called their relationship, and she’s already hitting the ho stroll hard with supposed manslut Jared Followill of the Kings of Leon. Relevancy doesn’t fall from the sky (unless your name is Rebecca Black Friday), so Ashley is working hard for those clicks and brought Jared along to drive up the picture prices (it didn’t). Ashley, her daddy Joe and Jared celebrated International Drunk Day (or as the Irish call it, every day) at Phebe’s Tavern in NYC yesterday afternoon before doing the walk of famefucking in front of the paps. Whoring aside, I’m guessing that Jared doesn’t pull the “it’s getting late and my penis is falling asleep” move when Ashley takes her bra off, so he’s definitely an upgrade from Joe Jonas!

And speaking of green, am I the only one who doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t understand why most dumb bitches do? Why would you deny yourself pinches from strangers?! I practically beg for that shit to happen every single night, so March 17th is the one day of the year I don’t wear green. When I see a stranger assuming the pinch position with their fingers, I lift up my black shirt and tell them to aim for the nipples. Bring on the pinches!

And Another Contract Expires….

It is a sad day for contract writers, notaries, staples and Xerox machines, because yet another one of their fine works will not get a sequel. Just a day after Joe Jonas‘ “Don’t call me Joe Gaynus (that’s a two in one right there)” interview with Details turned all of us into Aunt Bunny for a minute, Page Six is saying that there will be no more staged photo-ops between him and Ashley Greene. In a hotel room somewhere, Joe Jonas is sitting on the edge of the bed and strumming out a song about how an expiration date broke his heart.

A source (aka Ashley Greene’s publicist using the email address: [email protected]) tells Page Six that Joe and Ashley’s completely authentic heterosexual love affair died like the feeling in his legs after wearing skinny jeans for more than 3 hours, because of their busy schedules. Ashley is off shooting Twatlight while Joe is working on his music in L.A.

Ted Casablanca at E! News also thinks that Ashley and Joe’s PR stunt relationship is null and void, because they were both spotted solo at the same club a week apart. One witness type says Joe made it clear that he’s not with Ashley anymore by doing the Jonas mating dance with a bunch of girls, “He was very flirtatious all night, and if I were Ashley Greene I would not want my boyfriend acting like that towards a bunch of hoes. He had his hands all over this girl’s ass saying he couldn’t take his eyes off her when she danced.”

Are we sure that Joe wasn’t hitting on actual garden hoes, because that would make more sense.

Contract writers can lift their weepy faces off of their keyboards, because Ashley isn’t the type of fame fucker who is going to let a little thing called “failed negotiations” get in the way of her finding a love affair built for the pages of UsWeekly. I’m sure Ashley has already asked (insert the name of some famous dude with gay rumors on his back) to meet her in the conference room. Wink. Wink.

And in case you’re wondering what the Jonas mating dance looks like:

UPDATE: It’s confirmed. True love doesn’t exist. The world only knows heartbreak. Blah blah blah