Brit Brit Spears Brought The Futuristic Band Majorette Glamour To The ESPYs
I’m not completely fluent in side-eye reading, but I’m going to guess that Brit Brit Spears’ awkward side-eye in that picture is saying: “Oops! ….I fawted again and that one’s going to leave a skiddy.”
Brit Brit was at the ESPY Awards yesterday and some thought that she was there to announce that she’s headlining the Super Bowl halftime show next year, but I hoped that she was there to announce that her alter ego Cheetopatra will lead the new cast of the rebooted GLOW. But Brit was just there to present an award and that’s it.
It took me a few blinks to realize this isn’t Kesha reporting for her cocktail waitress job at an Ice Pirates-themed bar. Brit Brit’s stylists really outdid themselves this time. Her makeup artiste went full “sneaky raccoon wax figure” on her face and her stylist put her in something that looks like a Star Wars Ice Capades costume designed by someone who doesn’t know what a Star Wars character looks like. The producers of the off-strip Las Vegas show her stylist stole that costume from are probably going to press charges against her for accessory to theft, but that’s a teeny-tiny price to pay. Because this IS the look.
In other highly important Britney news, Buzzfeed recently posted pictures of the grocery lists that were allegedly scribbled out by Brit. Someone (today “someone” is spelled S-A-M-L-U-T-F-I) somehow (today “somehow” is spelled T-R-A-S-H-D-I-V-I-N-G) got a hold of the lists and sold them on eBay. The lists prove that Brit is an authentic foodie and gourmet aficionado who enjoys the finer things in the grocery store like Velveeta, gritz, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, fat-free bacon, mayenaise, Cinamin Toast Crunch, Wonder Bread, Captain Crunch and Dr. Pepper. Behold, one of the lists.
Any expert will tell you that these grocery lists are extremely suspect, because it doesn’t look like there’s self-tanner stains on them AND they’re missing the sparkle on the tip of Britney’s food pyramid: CHEETOS! Therefore, this list cannot be verified. But I guess if she really did write these lists, I’ll let go of 2006 and swallow the hard fact that she’s moved on from those puffy pieces of cheese heaven. I’ll change her nickname from Our Lady of Cheetos to Our Lady of Spegettios.
Minka Kelly Says That She’s Not Dating Sean Penn
It looks like the decibel-shattering “GIRL, NOOOOO!” we all screamed after learning that crusty cold sore Sean Penn was trying to woo Minka Kelly has finally reached Minka Kelly’s ears. Two weeks ago, Sean treated Minka to a 35th birthday dinner at the fancy-ass restaurant French Laundry in Napa Valley, and thus the rumor that they were dating was born. If I were Minka and I found out that people were whispering that I might be getting familiar with Sean Penn’s parts, the first thing I’d do is approach a mirror and ask myself to look at my life, look at my choices. But what Minka did was hop on Twitter and explain that it’s not necessary to keep sending her pamphlets about living with low self-esteem, because she’s not Sean Penn’s new girlfriend.
Not my nature to address gossip but hoping this last one goes away already.
Not dating a friend I had a group dinner with.
#Sillymedia
— Minka Kelly (@minkakelly) July 15, 2015
“Hoping this last one goes away. No, really – I dry heave pretty hard every time someone asks me if I’m dating Sean Penn. Please, for the sake of my gag reflex, make it stop.”
I hope that Minka sent a copy of that Tweet to Sean Penn, because according to OK!, Sean is still trying to make her his next future ex-girlfriend. I would really love to know what that looks like, actually. I’m picturing a drunk Sean Penn on Minka’s front lawn screaming a love poem titled “Goddamn it, give me a fucking chance?” before getting down on one knee and throwing a promise ring taped to a broken cellphone at her bedroom window.
Pic: Wenn.com
Amber Heard, Not Johnny Depp, Got Charged With Smuggling Yorkies Into Australia
“Smuggling Yorkies into Australia” sounds like the code name for a sex act nobody wants to be a part of.
It was reported back in May that Johnny Depp faced 10 years of making scarves out of prison sheets and necklaces out of uncooked macaroni because Australian authorities were getting ready to charge him with bringing his Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, into the country without following their quarantine laws. But today, the international saga titled Scarf Pirates of America: The Curse of the Tainted Yorkies got a PLOT TWIST. Johnny Depp’s wife of 5 months Amber Heard is the one going down in the land Down Under. People reports that Amber was charged with two counts of of illegally importing her Yorkies and one count of producing a false document.
The Emmy Nominations Are Out!
Pop a bottle of the sparkling beverage of your choice (mine is a mix of carbonated vodka and melted blue freezie), then throw it in someone’s bitch-ass face, because bad bitch idol and former Hot Slut of the Day Cookie Lyon from Empire got a Primetime Emmy nomination! Well technically, Taraji P. Henson got the nomination for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series for playing Cookie Lyon, but I choose to believe Cookie Lyon answered the call. Taraji totally deserves that nomination; I can’t think of another actress who could hiss out beautiful poetry like, “God, please do not withhold your blessings, even from hoes that hire skanks to spy on me” as well as she did. Finally, the Emmy Awards nomination committee recognizes some true television talent.
The nominations for the 67th annual Primetime Emmy Awards were announced this morning by Uzo Aduba and Cat Deely. Not surprisingly, the Leonardo DiCaprio of the Emmys, Jon Hamm, received his 8th nomination for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series for Mad Men. Game of Thrones got about 6.7 million nominations, because they always do. But the biggest shock was the Outstanding Television Movie nomination for the direct-to-Lifetime mess Grace of Monaco starring Nicole Kidman.
There were many snubs too. No Outstanding Whatever You Want To Call What He Was Doing for Christopher Walken in Peter Pan Live. No nomination for the hardest working hooker in reality TV, the beef wellington from Hell’s Kitchen. And if you’re going to nominate a turkey like Grace of Monaco, then you have to also acknowledge Lifetime’s truly terrible The Brittany Murphy Story.
The full list of nominees can be read here, but a shorter list is after the cut.
TLC Finally Got Around To Canceling “19 Kids And Counting”
With Caitlyn Jenner, Iran, El Chapo, hairy butt zit Donald Trump and the cat with his head stuck in a cup (that’s CNN’s top story, right?) taking over the news, TLC quietly scratched out the “TLC Hearts The Duggars” that was etched into the tree outside of their offices and announced that they have washed their hands of 19 Kids and Counting. TLC probably announced it on the down-low, because they don’t want God to find out and strike them dead for turning their backs on a good Christian family!!! Cut to God filing his nails and rolling his eyes like “whatever” after reading TLC’s announcement.
Young Thug And Birdman Allegedly Tried To Have Lil Wayne Killed
Back in April, Lil Wayne (seen above at a party a few years ago with Birdman, which is…awkward) was leaving a show in Atlanta when two white cars pulled up and opened fire on each of his two tour buses. Nobody was hurt during the shootout, but the police were still contacted. About a month later, police arrested a guy named Jimmy Winfrey for going all Bonnie and Clyde on Wayne’s buses. As it turns out, Jimmy used to be the road manager for rapper Young Thug. Fun Fact: Young Thug and Lil Wayne hate each other.