Less than a week after it was announced that she would play a sexy lesbian billionaire on Empire, Variety has confirmed that 50-year-old Marisa Tomei has been cast as Peter Parker’s elderly adoptive Aunt May in Marvel’s upcoming Spider-Man movie. I hope Tina Fey, Patricia Arquette, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus had enough time to celebrate Marisa Tomei’s last fuckable day, because it appears that day is gone. Neither Sony nor Marvel had anything to say about this, but I want to believe they chose Marisa because they’re going for a late-in-life Mona Lisa Vito vibe with this version of Aunt May (both characters are from Brooklyn, so technically that joke makes sense).

In the comics, Aunt May was a frail old lady who looked like she could have given birth to Moses, so casting Marisa Tomei makes sense… not at all. Marisa seems way too young to play Aunt May. Aunt MILF, sure, but not Aunt May. To put it into perspective, the last Aunt May was played by Sally Field. And before her, it was Rosemary Harris.

But I guess Marisa as Aunt May sort of works when you compare her to Tom Holland, the kid who is playing the new Spider-Man. The new Spider-Man looks young enough for me to believe he just discovered his first armpit hair. So I suppose it makes sense that this version of Aunt May should look like she spends her nights getting buzzed on white wine and watching Fifty Shades of Grey with her book club.

Here’s the future Aunt May leaving an Armani show in Paris yesterday.

Pics: Marvel, Splash

I don’t know who is buying these celebrity perfumes, let alone Jennifer Aniston’s bottles of stank. (Yes, that’s coming from a bitch who has several bottles of “Phoebe’s Phantasy” in his bathroom cabinet. But Phoebe Price isn’t just a celebrity. She’s a goddess on earth!) But apparently, people are buying the perfumed shit that Jennifer Aniston is selling, because she is following up her other two fragrances, “J’Alone” and “J by Jennifer Aniston,” with a new perfume called “Near Dusk.” I’m really disappointed in Jennifer Aniston for not naming this one “Uncool Water.” Still, though, get that money, Aniston. Justin Theroux’s skinny jeans and black polish hair dye aren’t cheap and her Aveeno, Smart Water and Living Proof money only goes so far.

Jennifer tells People that “Near Dusk” is a nighttime perfume. Jennifer used to spend her nights crying into a bowl of uncooked cake mix while clutching a teddy bear, so I was hoping that “Near Dusk” smells like a mixture of mascara tears, stuffed animal fur, dog drool and a hint of Duncan Hines batter. But no, it doesn’t smell like that, unfortunately.

“I’ve been wanting to do more of a nighttime fragrance, something a little sexier,” the star tells PEOPLE. “The others are a little lighter and more daytimey.” All three are beach-inspired, but Near Dusk takes a more sultry tone with notes of nectarine, sweet pink pepper, coconut water and jasmine. As Aniston puts it: It’s great for “date night.”

Jennifer also tells People that she’ll never do a men’s cologne (uh huh), because she loves it when dudes smell like sweat. Jennifer was married to Brad Pitt, so it’s no surprise that she grew to like the scent of warm armpit foam and nutsack syrup. As for that ad…

Never mind that they Photoshopped her to look like a rubber cat in a wig, I’m trying to figure out what they’re going for. It sort of looks like she’s getting an enema and not sure if she’s into it or not. She also looks like she just woke up on a Mexican beach after a day of drunken skinny dipping with Chelsea Handler. After waking up, she notices an almost-empty tequila bottle they left on the beach. Jennifer is crawling toward it and trying to get the last drop before Chelsea wakes up and goes for it. It has a slight “my preeeeeeeeeecious” vibe about it, but instead of reaching for the One Ring, she’s crawling toward tequila. Since I put it that way, the ad works!

Two weeks ago, Blake Lively decided to celebrate Ryan Reynolds’ first Father’s Day by posting a picture on Instagram of her husband carrying around their 6-month-old baby James. Rather than receiving a million comments saying “Aw sOoOoOo cute!!!“, a bunch of moms exploded into a mob of angry snakes and hissed at Ryan for not putting his baby in the carrier properly. Well, while hustling his new movie Self/Less on the TODAY show Tuesday morning, Ryan admitted he was wrong and promised to not let it happen again.

“The baby’s not properly secured in the vessel that I’m wearing there. I’m a first-time dad, and that is not the first mistake I’ve made. I can guarantee you it won’t be last. I’d never used that particular carrier before. Every other time has been perfect.”

I would love to know what some of the other mistakes Ryan has made are. I’m sure if you asked Blake Lively, most of them probably have to do with feeding Baby James strained peas straight from the jar instead of hand-mashing freshly-picked petits pois and serving it out of a rustic antique mason jar.

Shortly before he made good with one group, Ryan managed to accidentally piss off another. During the audience Q&A portion of a recent interview with AOL, Ryan Reynolds was asked what it’s like to have a wife who “literally slays it on the red carpet with whatever outfit she has on” and what he thinks about Beyonce. Ryan cemented his name at the top of the Beyhive’s shit list for the rest of his living days by answering with the following:

“My wife knows how to work a red carpet, I’ll say that. She might be the Beyonce of red carpets. And Beyonce, she’s the Michael Jordan of music to me. I’ve seen four of her shows, and that’s what comes to mind every time.”

I’m sorry, but doesn’t Ryan realize that her royal highness Beyonce is the queen of everything? Beyonce is the Beyonce of the red carpet. Beyonce is also the Beyonce of basketball (sorry, Michael Jordan). Beyonce is the Beyonce of Beyonce. I don’t even know what that means, but according to Beyonce, that’s a 100% true fact.

Here’s Ryan hustling Self/Less yesterday in what appears to be the lobby of a Holiday Inn.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

The Calleguas Municipal Water District in Southern California has tossed a lawsuit into the lap of Tom Selleck for allegedly committing several acts of water thievery since 2013. Tom and his wife Jillie Mack are accused of stealing thousands of gallons of water from a fire hydrant near a construction site in Thousands Oaks, CA and transporting that stolen agua to his 60-acre ranch and avocado farm in the Hidden Valley area. This case is way too low-on-the-ladder for Detective La Toya, so this is a case for Magnum P.I.! Oh wait, Tom is Magnum P.I. This is a case for Jessica Fletcher! Water, he stole.

Courthouse News Service (via THR) says that in the court documents, the water district claims that a commercial truck sucked water out of that fire hydrant and drove it back to Chateau de Stache a total of 12 times in the span of 18 months. The water district says that the truck stole water 7 times from September 2013 to October 2013. In November 2013, they wanted Tom to stop stealing water, so they sent cease-and-desist letters to both of his homes in Southern California. Those letters did nothing to stop Tom’s alleged water snatching ways. They claim the truck went back to drink free water from the hydrant 5 more times: 1 time in December 2013 and 4 times in March 2015.

I know you’re wondering what the fire hydrant that Tom stuck his hose in looks like, so thankfully, The Daily Mail got a picture of it from Google.

The water district paid a private investigator $21,685.55 to track and document Tom’s water-looting truck. They want Tom to pay them back and they’re also demanding that he pay court fees, attorney costs and other damages to be determined.

Tom Selleck hasn’t said anything about this yet, but I’m sure he has a really good explanation for stealing water IN THIS DROUGHT (which is the new “IN THIS ECONOMY.”) It must take a whole lot of water to keep the majestic grand lawn above his mouth thick and luxurious. If all of us in California turn to dust due to this drought, it’s okay as long as Tom Selleck’s national treasure stache and brows stay lush and gorgeous.

Pics: Google, Wenn.com

On Monday, we saw that Jennifer Garner’s not-so-secret Hell is trying to avoid getting splinters in her ass while she slowly scooches farther away from her soon-to-be ex-husband Ben Affleck during a choreographed Bahamian photo shoot. And now UsWeekly would like to tell us all about her “Secret Hell.” According to UsWeekly, part of Jen’s “Secret Hell” was hearing the words “Listen…we need to talk about where my dick has been” from her husband.

Continue reading

Ariana Grande Latte is even more diabolical than we thought. The girl Damien in knock-off Charo hair has already wished a painful death upon her fans and she’s responsible for unleashing the poisoned pack of Pop Rocks known as Frankie Grande Latte on humanity. But that 22-year-old demon child has gone way too far this time and she must be stopped. I thought that Grande lattes and donuts went good together but not in this case.

A pro-donut American hero gave TMZ footage from the surveillance cameras inside Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA of Ariana Grande Latte and her equally-as-disgusting boyfriend Ricky Alvarez licking donuts without paying for them. They are the Nick Jr., donut-terrorizing version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. This is some first degree donut-tainting too. It’s premeditated. In the video, the possessed Steve Madden bobblehead moves her shifty eyes around like a kid who’s about to do bad things before tonguing a donut. (“Ariana Grande tonguing a donut, you say?” – Subway Jared) It looks like Ricky does the same thing, which makes the Satanic hood rat stuff minion cackle with evil glee. Ariana and her dude also touch mouths in front of the donuts, which is just as gross.

It’s obvious that Ariana Grande Latte hates America since she terrorizes the symbol of America, donuts. But she makes it perfectly clear that she’s anti-American after an employee brings out a tray of fresh donuts. Ariana looks at the delicious, innocent donuts and says, “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.” BOYCOTT ARIANA GRANDE NOW!

The donut destroyer has already jumped on her pink Big Wheels and is backpedaling. “A source close to Ariana” tells TMZ that she loves America and didn’t mean to make fun of the obesity problem in this country (HA!):

“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”

Too little, too late. Ariana was supposed to headline the Budweiser MLB All-Star Game concert on Saturday, but she dropped out due to getting three wisdom teeth pulled. Please, like there’s any part of Ariana that has wisdom in it. Either she got dropped or the donuts fought back by giving her food poisoning.

UPDATE: The donut-ruining monster issued a longer statement to Buzzfeed about this highly important matter:

I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county*. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of* known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.

I guess she was ruining those donuts so that fat kids wouldn’t buy them and get fatter? Okay, yeah, whatever. But what I really want to know is, when is she going to apologize to the donuts and those of us who love donuts and don’t care if they make us fatter?