Amanda Bynes had the messiest 2013/2014 a girl could ask for; trips to mental health facilities, both voluntary and not, some colorful Twitter exchanges, allegedly jumping a girl in a club, her parents getting control of her finances, and throwing a glass bong onto the streets of New York City from her 36th floor apartment. In the years since, she’s hinted at a comeback. Well, Amanda is back and Photoshopped into another universe on the cover of PAPER who announced that they’re breaking the internet with a deep interview with Amanda rather than when they try to break the Internet with a huge fake ass or a lesbian triplet threesome.
Last week, Aaron Carter checked himself out of rehab after two weeks. Any mental alarm bells that were set off by that news have perhaps een quieted a bit after seeing the picture above. On Saturday, Aaron Instagrammed a before and after pic, showing the progress he’s made since he decided to get help (real help, that is) last month for several issues. Aaron is still showing off a sloppy DIY frosted streak job, but let’s focus on what matters.
The last time we really talked about Amanda Bynes, it was 2014 and she had a major mental health relapse after trying to get it together the previous year. Amanda has laid low for the past three years. In February it was reported that she was officially done with being on probation stemming from driving high on Adderall. Last week, Amanda got together with Diana Madison of Hollyscoop to talk for the first time in five years about what has been going on in her life.
If you haven’t been following the basic cable journey of pedo-enabling monster Mama June and her transformation from a chunky child-ruining demon into a skinny child-ruining demon, then you’re probably looking at that picture while thinking that another April Fools’ joke has been dropped on you. But that’s really what Mama June looks like now. The world of fine gourmet cuisine is definitely shedding several tears today, because it looks like Mama June isn’t going to make her signature dish sketti sauce anytime soon….
Over ten years ago, Scarlett Johansson said in an interview that she doesn’t think human genitals are meant to stick with one peen or puss. ScarJo hasn’t changed her mind and in an interview with Playboy, she makes it clear that she’s still a full believer in Professor Cameron Diaz’s theory that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. Tiger Woods, Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt and other noted peen wanderers are looking at ScarJo and singing, “I’ve been waaaaaay-tiiiiiiing for a girl like youuuuuu to come into my liiiiiiife…”
In 2002, Canadian-American daffodil Pamela Anderson publicly said that she got Hep C from sharing a tattoo needle with Tommy Lee. (Tommy Lee smashed Pamela’s claims with his monster dick by saying that he didn’t give her Hep C and he doesn’t have Hep C.) Pamela told People in August that her doctors put her on a new FDA-approved drug regimen that rids the virus from a patient’s blood stream. I didn’t know that Hep C was curable, but the NYDN says that a patient is considered “cured” if no traces of the virus are found in their blood in the three to six months after they finished that drug regimen. Pamela said in August that the drugs weren’t giving her any side effects and she hoped she’d be Hep C-free in a month. On Saturday, Pamela screamed from the top of Instagram that Hep C has left her body and since she’s Pamela Anderson, she celebrated the news by gracing the eyes of her followers with a throwback picture of her bare ass on a boat.
I am CURED!!! – I just found out #nomorehepc #thankyou #blessing #family #prayer #live I pray anyone living with Hep C can qualify or afford treatment. It will be more available soon. I know treatment is hard to get still…#dontlosehope #itworkedforme #thereisacure #love #happy #americanliverfoundation #celebration #Idontknowwhattodo #iwanttohelp #cannes #iloveboats #onthesea #free
Now that Pamela Anderson is free of Hep C, she can work on curing herself of committing first-degree hashtag abuse.
Sure, Pamela Anderson would celebrate ANYTHING by posting a naked ass picture of herself. If she found that sock she thought she lost in the dryer, she’d celebrate by posting a naked picture. If she got a coupon for the medium-point Sharpie pens she uses to paint on her exquisite eyebrow situation, she’d celebrate by posting a naked picture. But there’s really no other way to celebrate getting rid of the sicks than by posting a picture of your naked ass. I’ve been bitching about allergies screwing with me and it seems like they finally left me (for now), so I was going to take a tip from Pammy by tweeting a celebratory naked picture of me with the hashtags #nomorehives #thankyouclaritin. But I know that picture would induce heaves in a major way and I don’t want everyone suing me for making them use all their sick days.