Brit Brit Spears Brought The Futuristic Band Majorette Glamour To The ESPYs
I’m not completely fluent in side-eye reading, but I’m going to guess that Brit Brit Spears’ awkward side-eye in that picture is saying: “Oops! ….I fawted again and that one’s going to leave a skiddy.”
Brit Brit was at the ESPY Awards yesterday and some thought that she was there to announce that she’s headlining the Super Bowl halftime show next year, but I hoped that she was there to announce that her alter ego Cheetopatra will lead the new cast of the rebooted GLOW. But Brit was just there to present an award and that’s it.
It took me a few blinks to realize this isn’t Kesha reporting for her cocktail waitress job at an Ice Pirates-themed bar. Brit Brit’s stylists really outdid themselves this time. Her makeup artiste went full “sneaky raccoon wax figure” on her face and her stylist put her in something that looks like a Star Wars Ice Capades costume designed by someone who doesn’t know what a Star Wars character looks like. The producers of the off-strip Las Vegas show her stylist stole that costume from are probably going to press charges against her for accessory to theft, but that’s a teeny-tiny price to pay. Because this IS the look.
In other highly important Britney news, Buzzfeed recently posted pictures of the grocery lists that were allegedly scribbled out by Brit. Someone (today “someone” is spelled S-A-M-L-U-T-F-I) somehow (today “somehow” is spelled T-R-A-S-H-D-I-V-I-N-G) got a hold of the lists and sold them on eBay. The lists prove that Brit is an authentic foodie and gourmet aficionado who enjoys the finer things in the grocery store like Velveeta, gritz, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, fat-free bacon, mayenaise, Cinamin Toast Crunch, Wonder Bread, Captain Crunch and Dr. Pepper. Behold, one of the lists.
Any expert will tell you that these grocery lists are extremely suspect, because it doesn’t look like there’s self-tanner stains on them AND they’re missing the sparkle on the tip of Britney’s food pyramid: CHEETOS! Therefore, this list cannot be verified. But I guess if she really did write these lists, I’ll let go of 2006 and swallow the hard fact that she’s moved on from those puffy pieces of cheese heaven. I’ll change her nickname from Our Lady of Cheetos to Our Lady of Spegettios.
