Open Post: Hosted By A Flatulent Mystery On “The View”

January 26, 2023 / Posted by:

You can keep your GMA cheating scandals and your Ryan Seacrest/Andy Cohen beefs; the only daytime talk drama I care about involves getting to the BOTTOM of WHO FARTED ON THE VIEW?!?! And let’s not go jumping to conclusions and pointing fingers at Whoopi Goldberg just because she’s got a comically cacophonous cushion named after her! The only gas escaping from Whoopi’s hole is the withering hisssss of her sighs.

Yesterday on The View, as the assembled gentlefolk were engaged in a heady discussion about matters of grave importance, somebody might have pooted. The Huffington Post reports:

As shown in a clip shared by the ABC talk show, the co-hosts were discussing the classified documents found at former Vice President Mike Pence’s home. Joy Behar, Sunny Hostin and Alyssa Farah Griffin weighed in while a suddenly distracted Sara Haines looked down and said “oops!” That’s when the apparent sound of breaking wind pierced through the coffee klatch.

Haines began to scrape off liquid from the desk with a card while Farah Griffin giggled ― and we don’t think it was over the spill.

This is not the only time an errant apparent foul wind has swept through The View. In 2011, Whoopi “passed gas during an interview with Claire Danes and excused herself, though a spokesperson later claimed it was a joke.” And again in 2014, Whoopi “ripped one” on air, “prompting colleague Rosie O’Donnell to say, ‘You know those breakfast burritos, they kill ya!’” I know it sounds like the Whoopi cushion is aptly named, but I maintain she is innocent of all (dis)charges. At least in this instance. Here’s the tape. Skip to 4:20 (pfft pfft give, y’all) to behold The Shart Heard ‘Round The World.

I have reviewed the evidence and present the theory that it was either, A: Sara Haines dealt it. Or B: Nobody farted but Sara Haines, out of an abundance of caution, squeaked her chair in order to have an alibi should further accusations of indelicate behavior arise. Now, it’s not unheard of for public debates of this caliber to be interrupted by the very human needs of those engaged. For example, during the history-making Lincoln Douglas Debates of 1858, a mighty BLAAAAT emanated from the stage, causing Mr. Douglas to double over with what appeared to be a crippling bout of gastric distress, but was, in fact, due to a severe case of The Giggles, which prompted Mr. Lincoln to remove his signature stovepipe hat from his head and examine it in such a way as to imply the hat had beefed. So really, the public servants of The View are simply carrying on a long-held tradition that’s essential for our nation’s ongoing prostate health and prosperity.

Pic: Twitter

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