Madonna Kept Her Instagram Mess Train Rolling By First Going Topless And Then Posing As A Sexy Zombie
As we all know, Madonna is still horny as hell and recently asserted that over the past 30+ years, she’s paved the way for artists like Cardi B and others to be inspired by their own dewy nethers. Her preferred medium for expressing her insistence that she’s still got it is Instagram, and she made sure to keep her recent posts seasonally appropriate by giving us “boo!” spooks when she displayed her Madgebags with precariously placed emojis over her nips and then followed that up by posting an unsettling clip of her as a thirsty zombie.
The rodents are acting up in western Chicago, and it ain’t just because things haven’t been the same since Oprah left. Police in Stickney, Illinois, are warning people that raccoons are “acting strange,” and it sounds a lot like they are either auditioning for The Walking Dead or got into the wrong stuff or this is guerrilla marketing for Pet Sematary. In actuality, they have distemper – eek!
Board up your doors and lock up your Werthers; a zombie papaw walks among us and if you live in the Lexington, MS area, he could be coming for you and/or your La-Z-Boy recliner next! In a story ripped straight from my non-Kardashian nightmares, Radar brings us the spooky take of Walter “Snowball” Williams, a man who woke up in his own body bag in the morgue. Please tell me I’m not the only one who just got the panicky claustrophobia sweats.
On Wednesday night, a coroner declared 78-year-old Snowball Williams legally dead after showing no signs of a pulse. He was then zipped up in a body bag and shipped off to Porter and Sons Funeral Home where he would be embalmed the following morning. I guess Snowball Williams still had some canasta to play or a hot date with a sexy quilter, because he came back to life and started kicking at the inside of his body bag in an attempt to escape. He was discovered alive and awake the next morning by funeral home employees, who no doubt had to run home and change after shitting their pants out of fear.
At first the coroner’s explanation for Snowball’s return (that’s the name of the zombie movie based on this story) was that it was a miracle. But since this isn’t 1873, the coroner later did some research and amended his story to include Snowball’s glitchy pacemaker. Let this be a lesson to all of us; never buy your pacemaker from a place like Dr. Discount’s Medical Supply Outlet, or you’ll wind up screaming “No!! I’m not dead! My $19 pacemaker fucked up again!” as you try to kick your way out of your own body bag.
The zombie apocalypse is a real thing and it’s suddenly entered a terrifying new phase, because zombies are so damn desperate that they’re willing to put their mouths on the douche leather covering Danny Bonadouchie’s face. The News Tribune says that Danny was in the middle of a fan meet-and-greet at a casino in Bow, Washington on Friday night when one of his fans decided that what would really make her time with him extra special is if they re-enacted the cheek butchering scene from Cape Fear.
Danny says that the fan asked him if she could kiss him on the cheek and after he gave a thumbs up to that, she sunk her teeth into his face like he was a ginger-glazed partridge straight out of the oven. Danny is usually so drunk and coked up that he can’t feel his face, but he says that when that crazy bitch had her teeth in his skin, he felt things pop. So bitch must be sober for real.
Security eventually pulled the zombie off of Danny’s face and he said that his first thought was that the ho must be high on bath salts. She was arrested, but Danny says that he’s not pressing charges against her and he’s not mad. Danny has a few bite marks on his cheek and they gave him some antibiotics, but he doesn’t know yet if he’s been turned out by a zombie. Scientists say that when a trick gets successfully zombie-fied, they slobber at the mouth uncontrollably, stumble into walls and lose all communication skills, and since Danny Bonaduce already acts like that all the time, we will never know the truth.
And the crazy zombie who bit Danny didn’t need to be treated with antibiotics, but she did need to spend a few hours in the tank drying out since she instantly got drunk just from biting into his skin.
I know. I know. It’s Met Ball bukkake on Dlisted today, but this is hopefully my last post on this mess and I’m going out on a terrifying note by giving you things that do bumps in the night. While human hos at the ball sipped on calorie-free champagne, these vampires, zombies, charbroiled trolls and grandma witches sipped on calorie-free carbonated souls. If you put your ear to the screen, you can practically hear the screeches from a pristine young virgin running naked through the halls of the Met as these scary bitches chase after her. Where was Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery, Inc. gang when hos needed them most?
Grab your crucifix, put your garlic bulb anal chain around your neck and get close to the Royal Court of the Death Eaters. In order: Mary-Kate Olsen (looking like the Snow White witch after the dwarves dropped that boulder on her), Anna Wintour, Ronnie Wood (with his toddler-aged girlfriend), Sarah Jessica Parker with Tan Mom’s skin idol Valentino, Donatella Versace, Chupa Zoe and Lana Del Taco.
Posh Beckham is the sleepiest zombie in the graveyard, but she still had enough energy to pull herself out of her crypt to party with Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale at a Vanity Fair party in L.A. last night. Last week Posh was grabbing Becks’ balls through the power of the optical illusion, this week she’s grabbing on Eva’s titty balls and let’s hope that next week she’s grabbing on a pair of meat balls from Ikea. That sinister “nibbling on the fat-free parts of your soul” smirk is scaring/scarring me! Posh looks like Mr. Burns dragging it up in disguise as a Pan Am flight attendant so that he can join the zombie mile high club by eating brains in the lavatory.
You know how at the end of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland you face a mirror that shows ghosts and ghouls sitting on your head and shit? That’s what this looks like. Although, Eva Longoria is too busy flirting with the camera to know that she’s wearing a cold zombie hand bra.
That said, I’d rather see Posh’s zombie hands over Eva’s chesticles than the shit she’s wearing. That dress is a world of NO on Eva. If my free clinic therapist held up one of these pictures of Eva and asked me what I see in her titty area, I’d say I see two side shadowy profiles of the triangle bird from Angry Birds and a whole lot of desperation. Eva just doesn’t have the demure grace of Courtney Stodden and Anne V to pull off a dress of elegance like this.