Uma Thurman’s Ex-Fiancé Is Suing Her For Custody Of Their Kid

Uma Thurman started bumping moist parts with Elle Macpherson’s ex piece, millionaire financier Arpad Busson (not to be confused with Uma Thurman’s other ex rich piece Andre Balazs whom I always confuse him with), in 2007 and they got engaged a year later. They broke up in 2009 for a minute, but they quickly got back together and got re-engaged. In 2012, Uma birthed out their daughter Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson (I’m surprised bitches didn’t go broke from buying ALL of the vowels for that name). They killed their engagement for good last April. Uma has been taking care of their daughter in NYC, but now Arpad, who is based in London, is challenging her ass for custody. Pull up the Pussy Wagon, because Uma’s got some slaying to do.

The NYDN says that Arpad’s lawyers filed an emergency order in Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday asking for custody of his and Uma’s 2-year-old daughter they call “Luna” for short. The papers are sealed so the NYDN doesn’t know why in Hell he’s coming for Uma now. Uma’s spokeswhore also didn’t give a reason when releasing this statement about this mess:

“It is unfortunate that this very private discussion regarding Mr. Busson’s visitation rights and his participation in decision making has been made public. However, we are optimistic that a fair agreement for both sides will be reached out of court.”

Coke fetus blind item aside, it would be a little surprising (although, nothing surprises me anymore) if Arpad dropped the shitty mom card on Uma. Uma and Ethan Hawke share joint custody of their kids and there’s no scandalous drama there that I know of. But that Arpad trick is a mess himself. Arpad has two kids with Elle Macpherson and they were engaged for a long ass time, but he refused to marry her after one day he suddenly realized that he, a strict Catholic man of GOD, could never marry a sinful heathen whore divorcee. If Arpad feels a sting on his cheek, that’s from a strict Catholic abuelita throwing a chancleta at him from the great beyond, because no so-called strict Catholic man of GOD busts raw nuts in tricks he’s not married to.

This is probably all about money. But maybe Arpad heard that whenever Uncle Quentin Tarantino comes to visit, he greets Uma by getting on his knees to kiss her toes. If that’s the case, then Uma dun goofed and she’s totally going to lose, because nobody should have to witness that gross shit.

Quentin Tarantino And Uma Thurman Are Doing It

“Oh, my sweet, breathe in the musty scent of your delicious foot stank on my mouth…” – QT

UsWeekly says that Quentin Tarantino has finally switched out his The Bride Real Doll for the real thing. It’s a good thing, because he’s had to have the rubber on the feet of his Uma Thurman Real Doll replaced several times. A source tells UsWeekly that QT has been dipping into Uma’s uma here and there throughout the years, but recently he’s been regularly slurping the foot sweat between her toes. During the Cannes Film Festival, Uma and QT shared a villa together and the source says she’s gone from his muse to that woman who gets to hear QT squeal when she gets out of the bath tub and tells him that she’s got toe raisins. Because to QT toe raisins = ribbed for HIS pleasure. The source said:

“They had a thing and got together again recently. He’s loved her for years. There has always been an attraction. She has indulged from time to time, and that’s how their relationship has always worked.”

Uma recently broke up with hedge fund mogul and the father of her kid Arki Busson.

These two make a whole lot of sense to me. While Uma’s in between billionaires, she might as well get with a kinky fucker who’ll give her free pedicures with his mouth. Uma’s hooves will always be looking fresh thanks to QT chewing off her corns and licking up her jam. But QT’s poor footlight is going to be so lonely now that he’s got Uma’s feet to entertain him.

Here’s Uma wearing toe cleaving-baring shoes while posing with QT at Cannes over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com

Julia Roberts’ Golden Globes Dress Divides A Nation (Not Really)

The Ghost of Jennifer Lawrence’s future Julia Roberts showed up to the Golden Globes yesterday wearing an ensemble that made some whores applaud and made other whores, including this whore, wonder where her serving tray full of champagne flutes was since she looked like an overdressed cater waiter. Julia made some best dressed lists (and I’m guessing one of those lists is from the American Foundation For The Blind) and she made a lot of worst dressed lists. This applies to almost everything in life, but I looked at Julia and thought to myself, “Sharon Stone did it first and did it better, bitch.”

Julia’s look made me want to roll up my jeans and dab a little Dior Poison on my b-hole, because bitch was giving me 90s all the way. If you traveled back to 1993 and strolled into a Charlotte Russe with an Orange Julius (aka the Frappuccino of the 90s) in your hand and walked to the prom section, you’d find that dress hanging there. It’s like Mimi’s beehive from the Can’t Let Go video and one of the P.E. outfits from Clueless crashed into Julia at the same time. She looks like the least charismatic member of an all-white En Vogue cover group.

If Julia wore a black velvet choker and smelled like Primo, this would’ve been the look.

Because I really don’t want to throw up 100 more Golden Globes posts (cut to Allison, Megan and I throwing up 100 more Golden Globes posts in the next 3 hours), here’s tons of looks from last night including Hermione Granger giving us a reverse mullet and Zoe Saldana looking like an old snobby lady’s fabric scrap bin.

The Hilarious O Faces From The Nymphomaniac Posters

I wasn’t planning to see Lars Von Trier’s 5-hour-long CGI torture porn Nymphomaniac, because I’m afraid that watching 5 hours of Lars Von Trier’s idea of arty porn is going to make my gonads completely dry up and die. But now I really don’t need to see it after my eyeballs have laid themselves on the posters of each character hilariously jizzing. I just want to print them all out and wallpaper my front door with them, because this messy shit will keep all visitors away!

If you’ve always wanted to see Shia LaDouche, Christian Slater, Alexander Skarsgard’s daddy and Uma Thuman cum all artistic-like, your wish has been granted. Some of the slightly NSFW-ish posters (via ONTD) are after the cut. Warning: Most of these O faces look like OhImPushingOutThisShitHard face.  Continue reading

Inhale Hard Before You Read Uma Thurman’s Daughter’s Name

Uma Thurman and her piece Arpad Busson said “hi” to their daughter for the first time almost three months ago, but they’re barely releasing her name and I’m guessing it’s because they couldn’t agree on a name. So instead of agreeing on a name, they just gave her ALL the names. Before you read this child’s name, stretch your eyeballs, eat a Bear Naked bar for protein, tell your loved ones you love them in case you don’t make it back, make the sign of the holy cross, write a will and then inhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale. This is what Uma and Arpad named their daughter:

Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson

Does Uma think she’s Hispanic or some shit? Hispanics are known worldwide as being major name whores and now Uma is trying to beat them at their own game. That kid has the name of a Chekhov character or Russian royalty or a Brazilian footballer. THE HELL? When I read that name out loud, I feel like I’m cursing somebody or casting a spell. The thing is, Uma’s rep tells People that they’re just calling her Luna. They gave her all those damn names and they’re just calling her by four letters. Poor Luna. Homegirl is going to have to ask for extra paper when she’s filling out forms.

Luna should just fuck that name and go by Raaaft Bee.

Hot Ensemble Of The Month Goes To Uma Thurman!

The days of freezer burned fupas are quickly coming upon those of us who live in the Northeast, so now is the perfect time to let your gut pores breathe in air before they have to go into hibernation. Uma Thurman knows this and so she wore the official Honey Badger weekday uniform as she strolled out with her children in NYC on Wednesday.

Somebody hand me a double-sided anything and dip it in some kitchen grease, because both UsWeekly and the Daily Mail need to get fucked for calling this perfect ensemble “bizarre” and “slobby.” Those jealous shade queens must be using an opposite dictionary, because they really meant to say this whole entire look is “practical” and “SO NOW.”

The hat tells me that Uma likes a touch of retro, because she’s obviously wearing the cap my mom’s best friend bought at Michael’s, hoping she’d find the time to glamourize it with puffy glitter paint and dot lettering (she never did). The knotted shirts tell me that Uma doesn’t believe in shirt favoritism and so she not only cut off the circulation of her top shirt, but she did it to her bottom shirt too. And finally, the Marlboros tucked into her bra strap loudly tells me that she’s just a practical bitch and a people person who warmly embraces crackhead hobos asking her for a cigarette every other block. Does Playtex sell the bra straps alone, because I’ve been looking for a practical place to keep my Trident.

Shut down every stupid Best Dressed of the Year list, because nothing will ever top this.