Kanye West Claims He Can’t Hate The Paps, Because His Father Used To Be One

This is when we realize just how much Robin Williams was a part of our culture, because as I was typing the words “used to be one”, my brain immediately cut to the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where he pretends to be Elsa Immerman. Oh Robin, I am so so sorry to mention your name in the same post as such arrogant trash.

There were so many insane butt nuggets of insanity in Kanye West’s desposition in the case of him grabbing a pap’s camera and trying to whoop a trick, like claiming he’s a celebrity civil rights leader or that the paparazzi are worse than the Nazis, so it should come as no surprise that some crumbs from Kanye’s crazy would fall through the cracks. For instance, TMZ says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband played the ‘I don’t hate ___ people, some of my best friends are ___!’ card by claiming that he can’t actually hate the paparazzi, because his father once worked as a paparazzi, and added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.” Well, I should hope not! I don’t believe Dr. Benjamin Spock ever said anything about the importance of taking your child to the airport and teaching them to fight with photographers.

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Frankie Grande’s Sister Brought True Toddler Hoochie 90s Hooker Glamour To The VMA Red Carpet

…because DUH, where else is a toddler-faced hoochie supposed to bring it? Just like how Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, the red carpet at the VMAs is the place where a sexy fetus can dress in 90s day-shift streetwalker couture and the only thing people will wonder is whether or not her skirt is short enough. You should be dressed slutty enough that someone calls both the vice squad and CPS.

Ariana Grande Latte, the sexy rhythm-deficient singing fetus and Frankie Grande’s less famous sister, did what Ariana Grande Latte do best by by showing up to the VMAs looking like she was ready to turn tricks for Milli Vanilli’s Moonman, then find a no-good Kindergartener named Raiyden to which she can sell the Moonman for a bag of animal crackers and a Capri Sun. The only thing she needs to complete the look is a purse to carry the cellphone Frankie gave her (for when he needs to call her up and prove to people that he’s related to Ariana Grande), and she’s ready to hit the stroll! Click clack, pretend to make that Playskool money, honey! Although I have to deduct points for originality, since Paisley from Toddlers & Tiaras already did it first and, to be quite honest, better. But A+ for execution, no doubt about that.

Here’s more from the VMA red carpet, including JLo (who looked bueno, but also sort of like the Madame Tussauds version of herself), Jessie J wearing an IKEA curtain panel, Iggy Azalea looking like the princess of a far away land called Strippertonia, Charli XCX looking like Marsupilami’s skanky cousin, and a very knocked-up Kelly Rowland in Heidi hair.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

O.J. Simpson Is Obsessed With Kim Kardashian, Says He’s Going To Marry Her When He Gets Out Of Prison

“Terrific! Are you interested in the 3 month or 6 month marriage option? I’ll have Satan fax you over a Kardashian Kontract as soon as possible!” – Pimp Mama Kris.

According to Radar, O.J. Simpson (who sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt being choked by Leia in this picture, right?) has all the other dudes in prison writing letters to Kim Kardashian that start with the words: “Hooker, you in danger girl”, because he’s been saying some next-level creepy shit about his former defense attorney’s daughter. A prison insider (SNITCH!) claims that O.J. has wallpapered his cell with pictures from Kim’s 2007 Playboy spread, reads every magazine article about her that he can get his hands on, and demands silence every time Kim’s airbrushed Droopy Dog face appears on the television. But wait! It gets creepier!

“O.J. said he always thought she was a cute girl when she was younger,” the source said, “but it has only been since he’s been in prison his infatuation with her has grown to a full-blown obsession.”

Ew ew ew ew. Now is a good time to remind you that O.J. and his then-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson used to go on vacation with the Kardashian family all the time in the 80s and 90s, which means O.J. Simpson WAS that pervert friend of their dad (“Hey Kim, I bet you $20 you can’t touch your elbows behind your back!”). The source also goes on to say that O.J. thinks he’s got a chance with Kim, because bitch has a type:

Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush, who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days.

And according to the source, it doesn’t matter that Kim is kurrently married to Kanye West; O.J. is eligible for parole in 2017 and he’s already fixin’ on becoming Husband #7 if he’s let out (I think it’s safe to assume that Kim will have been married another 4 times between now and 2017).

“As long as I am in prison, I can’t be with her, so Kanye can have her for now. But when I get out she’s mine.”

Damn, even Marky Mark in Fear is like “Take it easy Juice, you’re coming off a little crazy.” But the thing that’s making me crawl into the fetal position is that Pimp Mama Kris is probably back at Kastle Kardashian weighing out the pros and cons as we speak. “Pro: Publicity. Con: It’s O.J. Simpson. Pro: Attention. Con: Still O.J. Simpson. Hmmm…this is a tough one.”

And here’s the rotten road apple of O.J. Simpson’s eye in the Hamptons having lunch with Khloe Kardashian (who almost flashed us her Wookiee pouch) and the come-to-life Salacious B. Crumb Jonathan Cheban.

Pics: Splash

The Kardashians Are Refusing To Keep Shooting Because They Think The KUWTK Krew Is Stealing From Them

Ever since a sticky-fingered bandit made off with $54,000 of Kourtney Kardashian’s kash from her home and $250,000 worth of Khloe Kardashian’s jewellery from her house, Kim Kardashian and her krew of skanky sisters have kalled it kwits on filming the tenth season of Keeping Up With A Family of Talentless Trash because they think the burglaries were an inside job.

TMZ says that The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen, KhloTron-2000, and the slow one who humps on Scott Disick are convinced that the person pilfering their cash and joo-rey is one of the poor souls assigned to follow them around with a camera. A source close to the girls (one of the many johns with a Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Hookers Loyalty Kard) claims that Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe all hired extra security and installed more surveillance cameras, but Kourtney still got her shit lifted in the Hamptons earlier this month. Now they’re refusing to continue filming their dumb reality show until producers try to weed out their thieves by forcing the crew to take lie detector tests. Quickly God, use your magic powers to destroy every single polygraph test in the universe!

There’s no need to call The Maury Show just yet; let’s see if I can’t use my powers of deduction to finger the culprit. It’s definitely not any of the crew; they’re all compensated handsomely by Lucifer for taking the jobs nobody else wants and have no need to steal cash. Missing jewelry would lead me to believe it was that glamorous bitch Bruce Jenner, but as if he’d ever be caught dead in last season’s rhinestones. Thousands of dollars in stolen cash would lead me to believe it was their deadbeat sock-hustling brother, but stealing would require his lazy ass to leave the house, so it’s not him. That only leaves…NORTH WEST! Of course! She’s probably stockpiling cash and jewellery in preparation for the day she can get her tiny hands on a fake passport and flee to a tiny island off the coast of Madagascar.

And here’s the silicone-stuffed sedated former porn star taking some time out of her busy schedule of nothing and nothing to pose for the paps in two different outfits.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Lea Michele Really Brought The Boozy Cougar Realness To Last Night’s Teen Choice Awards

Aspiring discount Barbra Streisand impersonator Lea Michele is only 27-years-old, but for some reason she decided to show up to the Teen Choice Awards – an award show for teens – last night looking like a horny wine-guzzling 45-year-old recently divorced mother of two named Nikki (real name: Laura) who just got kicked out of the bar at The Cheesecake Factory for pretending to give a bottle of ketchup a hand job and offering to show the bus boys her new lips. “Guess which ones? Wink! Hey, whaddaya mean I have to leave!? I’m not even finished my Typhoon Punch yet!”

I do sincerely love that Lea Michele is embracing her inner “former stripper turned Tampa tanning salon assistant manager”, because cheap n’ slutty is always the look, but she’s not totally committing to it. Are those her natural nails? Egads, NO! The only time a middle-aged Bebe-wearing MILF mess leaves the house without thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips is when she’s on her way to get new ones put on. And why is her neck so bare? Someone check the red carpet for a silver-plated “Tiffanee & Co.” chain choker ($1.99 at the swap meet when you buy a knock-off Coach wristlet) with a heart-shaped dog tag that has the word “SEXXY” engraved on the back, because clearly it fell off when she tried to dry hump the surfboard.

Here’s more of Lea Michele at the Teen Choice Awards looking like the kind of day-drunk mom who runs upstairs and changes into a bikini when her teenage son’s friends come over after school, as well as girl group Fifth Harmony (who all look like $2 budget mall rat perfection), Nina Dobrev, Selena Gomez, Frankie Grande’s less-famous sister, Zendaya doing what she thinks is an homage to Madonna, and a couple of random call girls from Calabasas.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Chad Kroeger Got Avril Lavigne A Giant Tacky-Ass Ring For Their 1 Year Anniversary

One year ago, the definition of random was redefined when Nickelback’s douche-dipped growly chanteuse Chad Kroeger married the neon pink Hot Topic urchin princess Avril Lavigne. Most people assumed their wedding was either a mistake or an accident or a mistake, so to celebrate beating the odds and staying married for a full year, Chad got on his Kawasaki Ninja and zipped over to Russell Oliver, where he picked out the most obnoxiously tacky ring in honor of his obnoxiously tacky wife. And even though it’s not covered in hot pink splatter paint or safety pins or Hello Kitty Jack Skellingtons, it looks like she loved it. Avril Lavigne tweeted this picture of her snuggling up to her maple sugar daddy with the caption:

“I still can’t believe my 1 year anniversary gift. 17 carat emerald cut. Wow. I love my hubby.”

I don’t know where Chad bought that ring, but if I was Avril, I’d feel really guilty about keeping it and probably take it back; any diamond purchased with Nickelback money is a conflict diamond. Then again, I doubt anyone will confuse her ring for an actual diamond. First of all, it looks like something found in the sale bin at Claire’s along with One Direction hair scrunchies and glow-in-the-dark frog earrings. Secondly, do Avril and Chad even have the kind of money that can buy 17-carat diamond rings? If so, then why the hell does Chad still use knock-off Sun-In from the 99¢ Store to lighten his hair? Upgrade to the Clairol Frost & Tip already, you budget bitch!

And pawn shop owners everywhere should start studying this picture now, because you’ll definitely be seeing the ring in person when Avril’s next album goes triple pyrite (100 copies in Manitoba) and she tries to sell it.

Pic: Twitter