Category: Tacky & Cheap
You’ve Broken My Damn Heart, Brucie
I thought I’d be strong enough to handle this, but I was so wrong. Immediately after I saw this picture of my beautiful earth angel Bruce Jenner smiling and holding hands with that morally bankrupt Botox dumpster Pimp Mama Kris – a she-devil I was certain he was free from the clutches of, mind you – I started cycling through the Kübler-Ross model of 5 stages of grief. At first I was in denial (“He’s just escorting a Michael Jackson impersonator through the airport!”), then anger (I broke every dish, glass, and crystal unicorn in my home, and lit a box of Wheaties on fire), bargaining (“Do you want me to carve up my nose into a silly putty penis?? I’ll do it! I’ll do anything to keep you from returning to that evil hag!”), followed by depression (listening to this song on repeat while weeping loudly on the kitchen floor).
But I finally reached acceptance. I’m a strong woman who can get over the hurt Juicy Brucie has caused. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? Oh for fucks sakes, who am I kidding? I’m still at anger and depression. As of right now, I’m typing with one hand and tearing up my favorite pin-ups of Brucie while screaming the lyrics to “I Can’t Make You Love Me” at full-volume. Somebody PLEASE send the following to my apartment: 2 Fudgie the Whale cakes, 10 therapy dogs (puppies pls), and Kelly Clarkson to sing “Stronger”. It’s going to be a long night.
Here’s more of that cold heartless bitch Brucie Jenner joyfully prancing around with Satan’s most sickening slut (no, literally; Satan can barely get through a blow job without barfing all over her head) at LAX. Trailing closely behind, of course, is Kash Kow Kim, looking the definition of tacky and cheap, along with The No-Talent Trio: Khloe-tron, The Model One, and notoriously good hitter Marla Hooch:
Pics: Splash
Somewhere In Boca Raton, Several Sofas Just Got A Boner
You can go ahead and tell your Nana her look is safe for now, because it appears Lady Gaag has moved on from ripping off the elderly and blanket-covered to narrowing in on just one Nana in particular: Nana Lohan, if she got a bit too drunk at dinner (“THERE’S NO SUCH THING” – Dina Lohan) and put on one of Lindsay’s good courtroom weaves. No, you’re right: Nana Lohan would never wear something so cheap (am I talking about the wig or that cheap-looking outfit? You decide).
Lady Gaag must have gotten the memo that the red rose pantyhose mess she wore last Friday night was a total piece of craft-covered FAIL, because she stepped out of her apartment in New York this morning looking like she gave at least a tablespoon more of a damn than she did on the weekend. Gaag didn’t mention what this look is called, but if I had to guess, it’s either ‘Late-in-life lesbian Lana Del Rey’ or ‘Jewish aunt from Long Island who buys whatever she sees Michelle Obama wear on Good Morning America’.
But don’t be fooled into thinking this is merely Gaag’s attempt at dressing normal. No, the Queen of Community College Art Classes is always making some kind of bobo statement about culture and art-culture or whatever. This costume is clearly meant to represent the futility of consumer ignorance in a post-modern, mall-obsessed culture. And it’s all part of a larger performance art piece where she approaches random people on the street, asking: “Have you seen the new cardigans at Ann Taylor? Shopping shopping shopping! It’s my cheat day; let’s go to The Cheesecake Factory! I just bought a new scented candle!”
Pics: Splash
Introducing Gaga’s Laziest Look Yet: Girl Covered in Cheap Flowers With Red Thing On Her Head
“Yeah, so I got a nude body stocking, a bag of silk roses from Crafternoon Delight, a red pair of pantyhose from my mom’s underwear drawer. I call it Flora…something something…Gaga Artpop. Trust me, it will look super edgy and arty and post-modern and Marina Abramovic-ish. Can I have my $3,000 now?” – No longer giving a sweet fuck, thy name is Lady Gaga’s stylist.
Lady Gaga arrived at the Roseland Ballroom last night to perform the first of several concerts before the NYC venue closes its doors for good. And true to Gaga form, she took all the attention away from the Roseland Ballroom by wearing a ME ME ME IT’S ALL ABOUT ME outfit upon arrival. Sweet sassy jesus, will you let them have a moment without barging in and shitting your tired community college theatrics all over it? Listen to me; confusing Lady Gaga for someone who isn’t freebasing delusion.
Everything about Gaga is a mess, I know, but something feels particularly amateurish about this get-up. I mean, she hot glued fabric roses onto a body stocking, for chrissakes! Even Adore Delano from RuPaul’s Drag Race is looking at this and thinking that bitch needs to put in a little more effort. What I’m trying to say is, Gaga’s costume is so lazy, it reminds me of one of Adam Sandler’s cheap Halloween ideas from SNL. “Hey, I’m crazy red string hat lady! I’m wearing a crazy red hat with strings! In case the crazy red hat is not enough for you, I’m also red rose nipple lady! I’m also wearing roses on my nipples! Now gimme some attention!”
Pics: Splash