The “Author Description” For Kim Kardashian’s Selfie Book Is Just As Laughable As You’d Expect

Us Weekly says that Rizzoli Publishing, the poor unfortunate soul who drew the short straw when it came to deciding who would take one for the team and publish Selfish, recently released more information regarding Kim Kardashian’s book of drowsy porn face selfies, including a description of the book and an “About the Author”.

“About the Author” – HA! As if Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t dedicated her life to making sure we know everything about Kim from the top of her Botoxed forehead down to her Botoxed butt hole. But in the event you’re one of the lucky ones and you have no idea who Kim Kardashian is, allow Rizzoli to tell you all about the “author” of Selfish:

“A new mom to her daughter, North, and happily married to the rapper Kanye West, Kim Kardashian is on top of the world, and this collection of hand-picked images from her personal archive is a tribute to her fans who have supported her through her very highly publicized journey.”

Kanye usually gets the final say in everything Kim does, so I’m shocked that he didn’t call up Rizzoli and tell them he’d write the “About the Author” section himself. Or maybe he did!

“ABOUT THE AUTHOR – SHIT, I SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE AUTHOR! BITCH WAS ON THE COVER OF VOGUE! SHE’S THE MOST FAMOUS FASHION ICON OF ALL TIME! KIM MOTHERFUCKING KARDASHIAN! WIFE OF KANYE! MOTHER OF THAT CONFUSED-LOOKING BABY THAT I NAMED AFTER A DIRECTION!”

Here’s more of the future Margaret Atwood (may god strike me down for ever writing such blasphemy) having lunch with her kurrent husband Kanye this afternoon in New York, as well as looking like a slutty attorney last night.

Pics: Splash

As Expected, Kim Kardashian Brought Tons Of Klass And Sophistikation To Her Birthday Party

Aspiring drowsy-faced pimp mama and current drowsy-faced hooker Kim Kardashian celebrated her 34th birthday last night at Tao in Las Vegas, and even though she’s another year older, she proved she’s still just as cheap n’ tacky as ever by arriving with her sloppy spray-tanned tits hanging out of her dress. I know it’s Las Vegas, but why do I get the feeling that even the drunkest, messiest pieces of trash on the strip would look at Kim and think “Put them away, hooker!” What in the world is she wearing? She looks like a slutty mummy (change one letter, and that statement is 100% accurate).

Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris instructed Kim to make a little extra cash while she was in Vegas by “entertaining” some wealthy gentlemen looking for the come-to-life knock-off Real Doll experience. All she has to do is park Kanye Kardashian at a slot machine with a cup of change and promise she’ll be back before they put the scrambled eggs out at the breakfast buffet.

And can you believe that Kim and her Charmin-covered chichis weren’t actually the messiest messes at her birthday party? That honor goes to Kim’s old understudy Khloe Kardashian, who showed up wearing a gold grill and 8 layers of bronzer caked onto her forehead:

Well, I think we finally know who Khloe’s real father is! NO! Jaws would never! He may be an evil henchman, but even he draws the line at hooking up with that evil rubber-faced viper Pimp Mama Kris!

Here’s more of Kim looking like a poorly-iced Lady Baltimore cake (I picked Lady Baltimore, because Kim is used to being covered in nuts) with her kurrent husband Kanye, as well as Khloe serving up bath salts brothel madame realness with Salacious B. Cheban last night:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Here’s What It Kosts To Have Kim Kardashian Promote Your Product

I know what you’re thinking: “But Allison, we already know what it kosts: your soul, as well as any remaining sense of shame or dignity.” And while that’s true, it will also cost you actual money. That hooker don’t work for free! But thanks to Radar, we now we know just how much it will actually cost you to hire Kim Kardashian (seen above looking like a spooky partially-melting haunted Real Doll) to endorse whatever cheap piece of trash you’re trying to sell.

Radar managed to obtain several emails sent between a rep for the drowsy-faced prostitroll and the owner of a firm interested in hiring her to endorse a product. According to the emails, Kim’s minimum rate is between $750,000 and $1 million. That may seem high for an escort, but just remember – Pimp Mama Kris didn’t become the world’s richest shameless pimp by discounting the merchandise. The rep also offered their Low-Budget Kim option, Kendall Jenner, for $500,000. And for $100 and a gift card to Taco Bell, they could have Rob.

The emails also state that Kim demands extras on top of that $1 million, including: 5 first class tickets plus one coach ticket, first class hotel accommodations, including one suite for Kim and standard rooms for everyone else in her party, first class executive ground transportation, a greeter at the airport, security, daily rate for her hair and makeup team, and a per diem. Her rep also demanded they have final approval over photographers, photos, glam squad, hotel, airline. Meanwhile, cut to Baby North sitting in the filthy ball pit of a drop-in daycare hoping Mommy also hires someone to remind her to come get her before they head back to the airport.

It’s crazy how many times that classless trick asks for “first class” this and “first class” that. Calm down, hooker, you can stay in a Hilton every once in a while. And in case you were wondering who in Kim’s entourage gets that coach ticket, it’s for Satan. He may be the almighty lord of the underworld, but he’s still a pretty down to Earth dude.

And here’s Hooker Billy Mays herself taking a break from all that product shilling to film Keeping Up With The Kartrashians last week wearing what appears to be an XXXL pair of three-legged yoga pants:

Pics: Splash

Chad Kroeger Wasn’t Invited To Avril Lavigne’s 30th Birthday Party

I feel like I should be forwarding this picture of Avril Lavigne’s Duncan Hines Dildo-looking cake to Michael K with the subject line: “Would you hit it?“. For real though, why does that cake look like it was made by Buddy Valastro at Doc Johnsons? Is it just me? It looks like a giant factory defected cupcake fuck toy called “Sweet ‘Splosions“, right? Maybe it’s just me (and no, I wouldn’t hit it, because those gumballs look like they might catch on something).

On Saturday, the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin turned 30-years-old, thus officially making her too old for this shit. And to celebrate, UsWeekly says she had a big birthday party at the Bellagio in Las Vegas surrounded by friends and other perpetual Hot Topic-humping emo teens. Except there was one less vinegar-scented bottle of human douche at the table – Avril’s estranged cocker spaniel-looking husband Chad Kroeger was NOT invited. Sorry Nickelback, no Bellagio buffet for you!

It makes sense that she wouldn’t invite Chad to her birthday party. First of all, they were only married for 14 months. Second, Avril can’t mack on 34-year-old Dickies-wearing pop punk hedgehogs when her ex-husband keeps coming up to her asking if she wants a fresh Rye & Dry (CC and ginger ale). Third, nobody wants to hear that dumb dingleberry growl-sing “Huuurrrrpy buuuurthdurrr terrrr yerrrrrr….“

But what was Chad doing instead? I dunno, probably at Château Shame crying and looking at photographs.

Here’s more of Avril arriving at the Bellagio for her 30th birthday party, and for the first time in her life she’s dressed her age, which also happens to look exactly like Amy Adams auditioning for a Real Housewives biopic.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Lady Gaga Kept It Tasteful And Classy After A Show With Tony Bennett In Belgium

I don’t know who I feel more sorry for in this picture: Tony Bennett, who looks so confused as to why he’s being escorted around by a low-budget Cher, or that security guard who is doing everything in his power not to look at Lady Gaag’s busted titty shields. Nope, never mind – the person I feel most sorry for is the one made out of embroidery thread on the cross-stitch being handed to Gaag. That poor stitched person! You’re either going to end up hanging on a wall in Gaag’s house or being turned into a janky-ass art thong. I pray 4 u, cross-stitch.

Now, I’m not sure if the jazz album Lady Gaag and Tony Bennett made together, Cheek to Cheek, has a theme, but if this picture of the two of them leaving a concert in Belgium on Monday night is any indication, I’d guess that the theme is either “A older gentleman makes the mistake of ordering a hooker from the back of a weekly newspaper he found at the bus station” or “The lady is a tramp…literally“, because Lady Gaag looks like a damn discount call girl MESS!

Okay, sure – she’s at least upgraded her wig to something that doesn’t look like it was fished from the bottom of a trash can at the mall, and yes her makeup is on point (real talk), but what even is that dress??? I don’t even think what she’s wearing can technically be called a dress; it looks more like an organza table runner ripped from Aunt Sandy’s You Can’t Spell Funeral Without F-U-N! tablescape held up with two rubber bands. No to mention the only thing worse than flashing a titty is flashing a set of flying saucer-sized nipple covers. They’re literally the same size as the stickers I used to get at the dentist for having zero cavities.

But I can’t hate on that Mom Thong (“Mom Thongs – Thongs For Moms”) she’s wearing. Everything feels just a little bit classier when a pair of Sears satin-style no-line tummy-tamers make an appearance.

Pics: Splash

When The Expression Of A Baby Says It All

North West is only 14 months old, and already she’s mastered an expert-level “over it” expression, which is insane, because babies don’t usually start learning how to pull such flawless baby resting bitch face till at least their second birthday (at least according to Today’s Parent). But 1-year-old North West is already slaying all the other babies by emoting just how genuinely unimpressed with her mother she is. Remember when just a few short months ago, North used to stare quizzically at Kim Kardashian, like “Harpo, who dis hooker?”. Now she stares at the ground disappointed, like “Sadly I’m aware of who this hooker is”. Clearly living with such a useless piece of cheap trash has fast-tracked her development. HA! “Living“. Listen to me, talking as if Kim has seen her baby enough in the past year to be considered anything more than “casually visiting”.

She’s also managed to perfect the art of subtlety, which, again, very difficult at this age. Where most babies being held by Kim Kardashian would roll their eyes or cry or take a smelly shit in their diaper, North is more reserved with her emotions and chooses only to show how completely uninterested she is in her stripper-looking mom’s tits-out attention whore antics. For someone created from the busted DNA of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, baby North is actually incredibly smart.

Here’s more of Kim, Kim’s kurrent husband Kanye, and the baby they sometimes take pictures with at LAX last night at 1am (you know who loves flying at 1am? BABIES!). I love how North is staring at the TSA guards like “Hey guys! I’m larger than 3.4 ounces! Confiscate me!”

Pics: Splash