Let’s Play A Game Called ‘What Caused That Look On Julia Roberts’ Face?’

Here are my guesses:

1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.

2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)

3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.

4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.

Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.

(Pics: FameFlynet)

Everybody’s Dream Couple Is Never Going To Be A Couple

Just to make shit clear, they’re not my dream couple. My dream couple is Phoebe Price and Carrot Top, obviously. Okay, now that we’ve cleared that up…

Seen above looking like she’s about to eat George Clooney’s nose off, Sandra Bullock told Jay Leno a few days ago that she and George would never become a couple, because they’re too much alike.

“I think we’re probably the only two that haven’t dated in the business. I think it’s probably because we’re a little too similar in all the disturbing ways.”

“In all the disturbing ways…” I’m going to take that to mean that George likes to be the bottom, Sandra likes to be the bottom and if nobody wants to wear the strap-on, who’s going to get fucked? I’ve always thought that they would make a good couple, because they are kind of the same-ish. George is allergic to marriage and Sandra is allergic to marriage, because the meaning of it was tainted by Jesse James and Bombshit McGee’s Nazi sex juices. They can be allergic to marriage together. But George likes them tall and empty of their own opinions and Sandra ain’t that, so. Besides, UsWeekly says that George has reached into the recycling bin and pulled out his ex-piece Monika Jakisic AGAIN.

Here’s Sandra and George at the NYC premiere of Gravity last night.

Pics: Splash

A Funny Thing Happened In Venice

The Venice Film Festival opened tonight with Gravity (that movie that’s going to make hos hyperventilate into their popcorn bags while injecting liquid Xanax into their veins) and George Clooney actually walked the red carpet without a half-mute 30-something escort on his arm. Strange things happen ever day and this shit is strange. Instead of posing for photographers with a new temporary piece, he posed with his co-star Sandra Bullock. In that picture above, I don’t know if George is trying to tell Sandra what the rules of posing with him on the red carpet are (“DON’T SPEAK!“) or if he’s having a small seizure, because his brain can’t believe that he’s walking with a woman who is close to his age and is almost as rich as his ass.

They kind of look hot together and since Sandra’s first marriage died in Bombshell McGee’s tattooed twat (I can’t believe I made all of us think of Bombshit McGee again), she’s probably off marriage forever. It could work (not really) and their couple name could be Bullooney or Cloonock.

And this girl tried to grab George Clooney’s face on the red carpet.

George had to break her heart and tell her to call him 5 award seasons from now and maybe then he’ll consider signing a relationship contract with her. And yes, I see the hot piece with the meticulous brows behind them. That piece should be Clooney’s next escort.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Um….

Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.

Usually when Kristen Stewart’s hands are covered in slime, it’s because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer’s butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green’s slime got some THC in it.

Here’s a few more pictures from yesterday’s KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop’s colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.

Oh, So This Is Why Beyonce And Oprah Weren’t At The State Of The Union Address Last Night

When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren’t sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce’s HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.

I don’t know which one isn’t worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce’s pits, but there’s no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King’s freshly waxed taint (it’s just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I’m sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody’s Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we’ll all have Beyonce to thank for it.

Kanye West Just Has To Keep Basement Baby In The Basement

Kanye Kardashian (née West) played a little game of “One Of These Things Is Not The Other” when he tweeted this “FAM” (real-talk translation: “VOM“) picture yesterday of him, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kum Kuntrashian. It’s like the Illuminati’s version of Mount Rushmore. Speaking of dark-sided acts of evil, to create this FAM portrait of grossness, Kanye had to use the crop tool to crop out one of Beyonce’s actual family members. Here’s the original picture:

Yes, bitch used Photoshop to erase Basement Baby’s existence. Poor Basement Baby. When BB’s weak from only eating a diet of moth balls and insulation foam, and has finally reached the top basement stair after using all of her strength to crawl up there, the only person she had to worry about opening the door to push her back down was Beyonce. But now Basement Baby has to worry about Kanye West kicking her back down too. Fuck Kanye for cropping the wrong trick out. Kanye should’ve kropped that skank Kim out instead. I mean, Kim has a place at the adult table and Solange still has to sit at the children’s table? This is colder than the time Tina Knowles had to wrap up one of Beyonce’s old wigs because she forgot to get BB a present for Christmas.

And speaking of grossness, TMZ has pictures of the $11 million house that Kanye and Kim bought in Bel Air. They’re spending even more millions on turning the 10,000 square foot house into a 14,000 square foot Italian-style villa. The extra 4,000 feet is to house Kim’s ass and both of their egos.

via Gawker