Category: Lily Rose Depp
Sympathy: Kunty Karl Has None For Kim Kardashian
Weird, right? As soon as I heard that Kim Kardashian was allegedly held at gunpoint by jewel thieves in Paree, I figured that Kunty Karl would immediately drop the virgin he was feeding upon and appear in a Chanel logo-shaped white cloud before her to comfort her. I mean, KK has photographed the lesser KK before, he scribbled out a note of support for her ass and he’s always the epitome of warmth. But if Karl did have a sympathetic bone in his regal vampire body, it wouldn’t feel a thing for Kim. In the Gospel According to Kunty Karl it states that if you’re going to flaunt that luxurious life in front of the peasants, you better protect that luxurious life with the damn A-Team.
What In The Hell Happened To Draco Malfoy?!
So far today, we’ve posted about alleged child abuse, alleged gonorrhea-giving and alleged child abuse allegedly at the hand of a human strain of gonorrhea. So let’s lighten things up with Kristen Stewart’s lightened-up mop! I know, that “joke” is more depressing than anything that’s been posted today.
Kristen Stewart has said before that getting her picture taken is more painful than taking a bath, but since she loves money and free designer clothes (and who doesn’t), she agreed to get her picture taken at an event for Chanel N5 L`Eau in West Hollywood last night. I know I joked that KStew looks the human form of a clump of hair found in the shower drain in a bathroom at Malfoy Manor, but I love that piss yellow hair color and that’s not me saying I’m into golden showers. That overused urinal cake hair color takes me back. You truly haven’t lived the life of a dark-haired teenager until you’ve tried to go blond with Sun-In, peroxide, mustache lightening creme from your auntie’s bathroom cabinet and a prayer. Every teenage non-blondie has probably heard a friend scream, “Bitch, don’t touch that shit, I’ll blow, I’ll blow,” as the crap in our hair starts to eat our scalp and we’re waving our hands around to keep from scratching at it. So, I love Kristen Stewart’s hair, and she probably loves it too since the bleach fried and killed all of the lice.
And here’s more of a yallaw-haired (copyright: Tim Peeler) KStew wearing a crop top sweater made from a stovetop hood filter at last night’s Chanel thing. I also threw in pictures of Rachel Zoe, Milla Jovovich and Johnny Depp’s daughter.
Pics: Splash
Natalie Portman Is Probably Most Likely Pregnant
Natalie Portman is at the Venice Film Festival where she’s selling two pieces of Oscar bait: one’s called Planetarium and the other one’s the Jackie Kennedy biopic called Jackee. (Typo and it stays, because I need to put the idea of a Jackée Harry biopic out into the universe.) In the pictures that have come out from Venice, Natalie has been looking a little inflated in the stomach area and some figured that she’s either got some vegan burrito-induced bloat up in there or her ballerino husband’s jizz fish pirouetted into one of her ovary eggs. It’s probably the second one.
I Guess That Pretty Much Answers The Question: “Is Kerry Washington Pregnant”
When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.
I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.
Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.