Lena Dunham Might Have Bleached All Her Hair And Gotten A Bowl Cut

I know, this is some real EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS shit. You’ll always remember where you were when you heard the news that Hannah from Girls might have cut her hair.

So it looks like either Lena Dunham got to keep the wig that she wore during her marvelous next-level bonkers interpretive dance to Sia’s “Chandele-heeeer”, or she grabbed a pair of scissors and cut her hair to look like it. And I hope it’s the latter, because this is the kind of look you don’t ever want to take off.

Lena recently wrapped shooting on the 4th season of HBO’s Girls, which means she’s free to roam about the cabin and do whatever she wants hair-wise, and it looks like her first order of business was calling up her hair dresser and telling her to prep a bowl and an obscene amount of bleach, because it was time for Little Critter to transition into Canary Yellow. And last night she showed off her new hair by posting a selfie to Instagram with the caption “Change is good”, which gets a big NO DUH! from me, because Jackie Rogers Jr. is ALWAYS the look. I mean, obviously nobody can hold a candle to the glimmering pizazz and avant-garde albino glamour of Jackie Rogers Jr., but I’ll give her points for trying.

Pic: Instagram

Presenting Taylor Swift’s “Family Portrait”

I know, I would’ve guessed that Taylor Swift’s “family portrait” would’ve ben her posing with her cats, her collection of yarn dolls and the cardboard cutouts of all the dudes she’s stalked. But instead, Taylor Swift’s family portrait, which was taken at her Rhode Island beach house over the weekend, is filled with A-listers (see: Emma Stone), E-listers (see: Jaime King) and never-was-on-any-listers (see: Jessica Snooze-ar from Gossip Girl). After they took this picture, they got drunk on the bottle of plum wine Taylor stole from her parent’s liquor cabinet, crank called John Mayer, practiced kissing on each other’s hands and played “Light As A Feather, Stiff As Board.”

And in that sea of mostly pretty mostly white girls who probably smell like Victoria’s Secret fruit mist is Lena Dunham looking like the creepy 10-year-old little shithead brother who sneaks into the basement during his older sister’s slumber party to watch the girls sleep, steal their panties, smell their hair and fart in their duffel bags.

via Twatter

What The Hell Did I Just Watch?

The music video for Sia’s song “Chandelier” features Maddie Ziegler of Dance Moms flailing around in some Gummo-looking apartment and the whole thing is like snorting meth out of a rusty tail pipe. So when it came time to for Sia to perform “Chandelier” on Late Night with Seth Meyers, Maddie was MIA (probably recovering from the week’s worth of tetanus shots she had to get after dancing barefoot in that filthy crack den) and instead we got Lena Dunham in a $10 Cindy Brady wig dancing like nobody was watching.

I don’t know how to describe what I just watched better than saying it was as if interpretive dance swallowed a handful of expired quaaludes and crashed a high school talent show. No wait, it was like watching the Spring Break baby of The Good Humor Man and Judy Jetson stumble around after huffing all the freon from the back of her father’s truck. It was so weird; I kept pausing the video to see if Harmony Korine was hiding somewhere on stage with a Sony Handycam. Even Lena Dunham looked confused, but it could have been because she’s not used to wearing so many clothes. “A shirt AND a jacket??? Please don’t tell me I also have to wear pants.”

However, what Lena Dunham did was like watching Bob Fosse possessed by the ghost of Martha Graham compared to Jennifer Lopez on The Tonight Show last night. Jimmy Fallon pulled the “Tight Pants” sketch from the recycled ideas bin, and he and JLo dressed up like two budget Peter Brady dolls and did the twist. Well, Jimmy did the twist; JLo looked like she was fighting against a brain aneurysm:

I’d say Lena Dunham could teach JLo a thing or two about movement, but that’s not saying much. A sex tape starring Ed Grimley would be less awkward and cringeworthy than Jennifer Lopez trying to dance like a dork.

Oh, It’s Just Bey And Jay Pulling A Totally-Not-Choreographed Stunt At The Met Gala

The last time Her Majesty Beyoncé and Jay Z did some impromptu promo work to generate interest in their upcoming “On The Run” tour, they ended up looking as natural and convincing as a Blake Lively boob job. And now, literally three days later, they’re back at it again with a carefully orchestrated stunt meant to convince us to drop $200 to watch the two of them dry hump each other on stage while they lip-synch to ’03 Bonnie & Clyde.

While walking the red carpet at the Met Gala last night, a ring “accidentally” fell off one of Stunt Queen Bey’s fingers. Jay Z saw what happened, counted “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” in his head like Beyoncé instructed him to do in the 20 hours of practice at home, bent down to retrieve it, and on the way up he took her hand and pretended to propose to her with the ring. Stunt Queen Bey then looked around to make sure it was caught on camera before cycling through her rolodex of emotions and pulling out ‘bashful surprise’. And Jay Z did a great job of pretending he wasn’t completely dead inside.

So first we have Stuntyoncé LOL-ing at a basketball game date night, and now they’re pulling cutesy-poo shit like pretend proposals? What’s next on the list for the “Mobil On the Run” spontaneous acts of TRU WUV promo tour? Jay Z laying his coat over a puddle so Bey won’t ruin her shoes? Renewing their vows in a hot air balloon? Undergoing an experimental surgery that turns their faces into Precious Moments figurines? WHAT IS IT??

Here’s more of Stuntyoncé at the Met Gala before and after they awarded themselves a gold medal for their flawless execution of a publicity stunt, including a close-up of Bey’s best lacefront yet (I know, womp womp). Plus, the rest of the messy-looking tricks from they Met Gala (aka the leftovers) like Charlize Theron and a sunset-colored troll, an unreasonably modest RiRi, Kate Upton dressed like Cinco de HELL NO, and Kanye West’s $99/hour rent-a-ho from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

Lena Dunham Says Judge The Creep, Not The Creep’s Work

During Monday’s episode of WTF with Marc Maron, Lena Dunham spoke about her public support of Dylan Farrow, and because you can’t talk about one without the other, the conversation turned to Oldie Pedo Director Turtles. After reading Dylan’s open letter accusing Woody Allen of being a child-toucher, the internet did what the internet does best and rounded up every single instance of Woody sounding like/acting like/being a complete creep from each of his movies (I think there was something close to 8 million). But Lena is saying that even though he’s “nauseating”, we shouldn’t focus on Annie Hall or Manhattan or whatever the fuck he made after those two, because it doesn’t matter:

“In the latest Woody Allen debate I’m decidedly pro-Dylan Farrow and decidedly disgusted with Woody Allen’s behavior. But for me, when people go through his work and comb through it for references to child molestation, that’s not the fucking point. I’m not comfortable living in a world where art is part of how we convict people of crimes.”

I’m not saying what I do here at Dlisted is ART (“It’s not” – all of you), but I’d hate it if someone read what I wrote and was convinced I was a food-hungry sloth-human, or that Michael K was nothing more than a drunk slut (“Speak for yourself” – MK). What I’m trying to saying is, I agree that Woody Allen’s movies aren’t proof that he’s a creep-looking creep; they’re just evidence that he makes boring movies for rich white people. Now, Woody Allen’s face, on the other hand…definitive proof that he’s a creep-looking creep.

Meanwhile back at Molester’s Cove (his home away from home) Woody Allen is clutching the #1 Molester trophy that was snatched away from him last week by Terry Richardson, because we’re talking about him again, and he has Lena Dunham to thank for it. “Why does this muffin basket stink of not-right molester turtles?” – Lena Dunham.

And because I don’t want your last mental image to be a basket of rotten pervert muffins, here’s Lena Dunham last week at an event wearing a makeup remover wipe she found in Christina Aguilera’s trash can.

Pics: Splash

Lena Dunham Thinks Jezebel Messed Up By Posting Her “Raw” Vogue Pictures

When Little Critter’s big city fancy cousin Lena Dunham made the cover of Vogue, Jezebel offered up a $10,000 bounty to anyone who’d burp up the pre-Photoshopped pictures. Because I guess they wanted to make a statement about retouching in ladies magazine and because maybe they wanted to see raw and organic pictures of her looking like Rob Ford in a Marc Jacobs dress. It took a quick minute for someone (aka Ann Wintour herself who probably jacked off with a Prada vibrator to the entire “scandal“) to slide the pictures over to Jezebel and stuff the 10 grand in their bra. I kind of thought that the pictures would prove Vogue went full Mimi on Lena Dunham’s pictures, but they proved the opposite. The pictures proved that they didn’t go totally crazy with Photoshop. Womp. Womp.

During an interview with Grantland (via TIME), the entire Jezebel vs. Vogue and Lena Dunham’s ESCANDALO was brought up and she said that Jezebel really took a messy diarrhea in the bed and rolled around in it and she lost a little respect for them for that. (Side note: I’m sure that in a future episode of Girls, Adam is going to take a messy diarrhea on Hannah and make her roll around in it while he jacks off on top of her.)

“I think Jezebel can be really smart and funny, I think it’s just once you’ve been attacked in that way it’s hard to enjoy. They made such a monumental error in their approach to feminism. For me, it was like I just can’t sort of be half-in. It felt gross. I didn’t talk to the woman who did it directly, but I can’t imagine the reaction made her feel particularly great. That much content. I’d lose my mind. I did have sympathy for that. But once they did post the un-retouched images of me that looked so similar…

I was kind of scared to see the un-retouched images of me, I was like, maybe I’m delusional and I don’t look how I think I look. And it was like—they smoothed a line here, and shaved off a part my neck. It was the most minimal retouching. I felt completely respected by Vogue. I felt like, ‘Thank you for removing the one line from my face, because I’m 27 years old and shouldn’t have that there.’

Instead of going like, ‘Hey, we kinda fucked up, these pictures aren’t that retouched Lena, enjoy the Vogue spread that you’ve been excited about since you were eight years old,’ they were like, ‘She’s not retouched, but she could’ve been.’ It was this weird almost political maneuvering that I just had a lot of trouble respecting.”

Two things: I see the shade that Lena Dunham threw at Lindsay Lindsay, because Lindsay Lohan is 27 years old and she has more wrinkles than a crackhead pepaw’s nutsack.

Also, just when I was beginning to nod at Lena Dunham and agree with what she was saying, she became 100% insufferable again by saying that being on the cover of Vogue was her dream since she was 8. If it’s true, that’s annoying. But bitch is probably lying. She’s one of those types that would get on the cover of SkyMall and say it was always her dream. You know those bitches. I had a neighbor who was like that. She’d orgasm over everything and anything. She used to give me Christmas presents every year, so one year I bought her a cheap, ugly, generic mug from Rite-Aid at the last minute. I gave it to her and it was like I gave her a mold of The Hammaconda. She said it was so beautiful and I shouldn’t have and she’s sure I spent a lot of money on it and she’s going to use it every day. Bitch, stop. Save it, put it in the bank. I haven’t stopped rolling my eyes since.