Lena Dunham Has Hired The Real-Life Olivia Pope To Fix Her Life

When Lena Dunham announced last week that she was quitting Twitter, I knew immediately that something in the milk wasn’t clean. Humans without filters who love saying whatever they’re thinking love Twitter (see: me every time I live tweet a visit to the dermatologist). But it sounds like quitting Twitter might have been the first step in stopping all the random words that fall from her mouth (like comparing the Bill Cosby situation to the Holocaust) as prescribed by her new Bitch, Don’t Say That team, one of which is the real-life version of Olivia Pope from Scandal.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Lena Dunham has hired crisis management expert Judy Smith (real-life Olivia Pope) and publicist Cindi Berger to help her rehab her image after she said and wrote some stuff that made a lot of people nervously tug at their collars last year. Judy recently consulted with Sony after the email hack and Cindi has worked as a publicist for Mimi, Billy Crystal, and Robert Redford. And now they’re working with the girl from Girls who stopped giving a fuck a very long time ago.

I’m all for trying to fix your life, but doesn’t Lena know that if you’re going to hire someone to fix your life, you hire Iyanla Vanzant? I’m sure Olivia Pope and Cindy-with-an-I Berger are very capable and whatever, but Lena is famous, which means she can afford the best in life-fixing.

Lena Dunham Deleted Twitter Because She Was Getting Sick Of The “Deranged Neocons”

During the red carpet portion of the Golden Globes last night (aka the part where I double-check that I have enough cans of Wine O’Clock to make it through the night), Chip and Dale’s long-lost sister Lena Dunham admitted to wealthy elf Ryan Seacrest that she would not be following the evening’s events on Twitter, because she had deleted it. Sort of a weird choice for someone who really likes to share everything with the world. But Lena explains that she did it because she was tired of people using their 140 characters to hiss rudeness at her:

“I deleted Twitter because I’m trying to create a safer space for myself emotionally. People threaten my life and tell me what a cow I am, so I decided I was going to [cut that out]. So I check it occasionally, but it’s not the same co-dependence that Twitter and I once shared. There’s a lot of people I love on Twitter, but unfortunately you can’t read those without reading deranged neocons telling you you should be buried under a pile of rocks.”

Ryan then responded “You should see what they say about me.” I’m sorry Ryan, but if you didn’t want people dragging you online, you should have never released the Hooker Kraken (the Kardashians) unto the world.

If I was getting non-stop death threats, I’d probably delete Twitter too. The only problem, Lena didn’t exactly delete it. In fact, she Tweeted a clarification shortly after to confirm that she only sort of deleted it:

That sounds like a system I could use in my own life. As someone whose tweets are riddled with spelling mistakes and really aggressive all-caps rants (“HAM SANDWACHES CAN SUCK MY ASS“), I could use a proof-tweeter. Then again, they’d probably quit after my third Tweet about Bruce Jenner. I don’t blame them.

And the only clarification tweet I really needed from Lena Dunham was the one explaining to my dumb ass what a “deranged neocon” is. Is it an evil Transformer? It’s a Transformer, right? Yeah, I should read more. Here’s more of Lena at the Golden Globes last night looking 900% less like a melting cake than she did at the Emmys, as well as the other girls from Girls.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Lena Dunham Once Again Speaks Out About Those Child Abuse Allegations

During the past few days, the Internet has been covered with zillions of blog posts, think pieces and comments about professional oversharer Lena Dunham’s weird way of writing about the stuff she did to her little sister Grace Dunham while growing up together. Some people called Lena Mama June’s next boyfriend and others screamed, “You not knowing dum dums just don’t understand EDGY ART!” While that was going on, a bunch of us were in the corner rolling our eyes while rinsing our brains out with rubbing alcohol and Windex. (Any abuelita will tell you that Windex can clean almost anything!).

Grace responded to this mess on Twitter already. Grace used the word “heteronormativity” in her tweets, so I haven’t fully analyzed her response, because I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck that words means. Little Critter’s extra messy second cousin has canceled two book tour dates in Belgium and Germany after this mess took over the Internet and today she gave this statement/apology to Time:

First and foremost, I want to be very clear that I do not condone any kind of abuse under any circumstances.

Childhood sexual abuse is a life-shattering event for so many, and I have been vocal about the rights of survivors. If the situations described in my book have been painful or triggering for people to read, I am sorry, as that was never my intention. I am also aware that the comic use of the term “sexual predator” was insensitive, and I’m sorry for that as well.

As for my sibling, Grace, she is my best friend, and anything I have written about her has been published with her approval.

So at least dozens of eyeballs swept through that book before it went to the printers and not one of them said, “Hmmm, maybe you should take a Magic Eraser to that line where you pretty much call yourself a pedo, unless you really want to be in Roman Polanski’s Book of the Month Club.” Okay.

Now, that’s that and we can all move on to more pressing matters like videos of bunnies eating watermelon.

Lena Dunham Cancels Book Tour Dates After She’s Accused Of Child Abuse

If your ear holes are dribbling out bleach today, then I’m guessing that over the weekend you soaked your head in a bath tub full of Oxi-Magic Clorox after keeping up with the fight between Lena Dunham (seen above looking like Slimer shit on her head at a book signing in London) and book reviewer Kevin D. Williamson.

Last week,  the right-wing website Truth Revolt threw up excerpts from Lena Dunham’s book of personal essays, Not That Kind Of Girl, where she writes about how opened her 1-year-old sister’s vagina when she was 7 years old and found pebbles in there, among other beyond TMI stories. In his review for the conservative-leaning site, The National Review, Kevin accused Lena of “sexually abusing” her little sister Grace. Um, yeah, I’m going to place my order for a Team Fucking Absolutely No One t-shirt. You want one too?

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Lena Dunham Thinks Celebrity Gossip Is Gross And Awful But Totally Loves It

Lena Dunham (seen here serving up some flawless Canary Yellow drunk at the Rainbow Land prom realness) recently admitted to O Magazine (via Page Six) that just like you and I, she’s totally obsessed with reading online celebrity gossip and loves knowing who’s fucking who and who’s a coked-up life mess and who showed up to the Emmy Awards looking like an expensive Sweet 16 cake melting in slow motion. Except unlike you and I (mostly me, since the part of my brain that dispenses fucks broke down a long time ago) she sort of feels guilty about contributing to a culture that drags out-of-touch $900 sweater-hustling snobs and stupid spoiled fame whores for being out-of-touch $900 sweater-hustling snobs and stupid spoiled fame whores:

“I know that by reading them I’m supporting an industry that hurts people who are making art and putting themselves on the line. Still, all I want to know is who is breaking up with whom and who might be pregnant.”

I sort of agree with Lena. It must be so hard for an ~artiste~ like Goopy Paltrow to create something as important and inspiring as a tutorial on how to make a bed without being afraid that uncultured dum-dum haters online won’t “get it” and tear it to shreds. Or Taylor Swift, who just wants to write sincere heartfelt songs about cunty back-stabbing mean girls without people online picking her apart for being a dramatic rumor-spreading bitch-in-butterscotch clothing. Or Kim Kardashian, who just wants to be a no-talent narcoleptic-faced fame-humping failed porn star hooker without assholes like me calling her out online for being a useless piece of trash. How rude!

I know Lena Dunham thinks it’s shitty to throw online shade at celebrities, but really, I bet if I asked her to name the last 3 pieces of “art” a gossip staple like Lindsay Lohan has made, she’d be like “Uh…well…okay, you got me there.“

Who Worked It Better?

I know, I should punch myself in the mouth for even thinking it’s okay to compare Lena Dunham’s Little-Critter-in-Ann-Jillian-drag-looking ass to a muy delicioso Barbie birthday cake.

On the left is Lena Dunham in a whole lot of Giambattista Valli at the Emmys tonight and on the right is your cousin’s quince cake. Lena Dunham looks exactly like that cake if that cake was left outside, melted in the rain and was later picked at by rabies-infested squirrels who only took a few bites of it, because its frosting went bad. I guess if bitch gets the munchies during the show, she can nibble on herself.

The Emmys is usually filled with rejected Windsor Fashion gowns and every dress is a visual yawn, so I give Lena a few taint slaps for trying to bring busted foolery to the red carpet, but she looks like a box of stale Jello 1-2-3. She looks like Hello Kitty’s overused, shredded tampon.

Also, Lena told E! at the Emmys tonight that the bleached fugness on her head isn’t a wig:

“A paparazzi followed me through LAX the other day asking me how I felt about the ‘speculation’ that my hair is a wig. It was like the biggest scandal I’ve ever been embroiled in. It is not a wig. I bleached it last week after I finished the show. I always like to do something—I always have kind of a bad hairstyle as Hannah, so it’s nice to kinda chop it off or do something that shows me I’m a real woman.”

Yeah, if by “real woman” she really meant “deranged escapee from the Village of the Damned,” then she nailed it.

Pics: Getty