“1-2-4-3 None Of These Chicks Look Better Than Me!”

“Out of the way hags, a truly beautiful woman is coming through” was shouted at Sports Illustrated’s 50th Anniversary party in L.A. last night when Steven Tyler sashayed on through and showed the likes of Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, Ty Ty Banks, furniture mogul Kathy Ireland, Rebecca Romjin, Heidi Klum and Cheryl Tiegs how raw sex is really done. While looking like a Dark Crystal puppet that escaped out of the Jim Henson factory to fulfill its lifelong dream of working as a Linda Perry circa 1991 impersonator, Steven desecrated hos left and right with his glamour. If you ever want to see Kate Upton burst into a tsunami of tears and run toward the exit while questioning her entire existence, put this Honest John-looking hot bitch in front of her. She will go from thinking she’s hot shit to thinking she’s just shit.

And since every bad bitch beauty needs a battle song, this song was obviously playing in his head as he looked all those supermodels up and down:

Steven Tyler took the night, day, morning and everything in between!

Pics: Wenn.com

Being On The Cover Of Sports Illustrated Made Kate Upton Feel Terrible About Herself

If any living, breathing human, married or whatever, came up to me and said that slather lube on my picture and hump it hard without caring about getting paper cuts on their genitals, I’d take is the greatest compliment since some stranger bitch at a Jack in the Box in Palmdale, CA loudly said, “That’s a lot of gay!” after I walked in. But Kate Upton says that after the 2012 Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition cover that turned her into a STAAAAHHH!!! came out and married dudes started hitting on her, she felt the same way one feels when the coke high wears off after boning Charlie Sheen. She felt like she wanted to cry under a shower of hot bleach. Kate tells Elle says that after her SI cover came out, a lot of dudes skipped over the line and treated her like a blow-up doll:

“After my first Sports Illustrated cover, I felt terrible about myself for a solid month. Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something. I’m not a toy, I’m a human. I’m not here to be used. I am a grown woman, and you need to figure your shit out.”

Kate has a point and is right. Nobody likes to be objectified (except for me, OBJECTIFY ME! OBJECTIFY ME, PLEASE!), but when you’re shaking your chichis in a video shot by Terry Richardson, posing in a silly string bikini top and taking a picture with your titties holding a Las Vegas glass, most hos aren’t going to look at that and say, “What an attractive glass. At which souvenir shop in Las Vegas can I buy that?” But I guess Kate Upton quickly got over feeling like crap for a month, because she did the cover again the next year.

Kate Upton also said this stuff to Elle:

On how people think she’s a dumb model, but she’s really a blond genius who is plotting to pull one over on them: “People deal with models like they are children. They think they can pull one over on you. It’s actually funny. I’m always like, I’m about to pull something on you, and you’re so focused on thinking I’m dumb you’re not even going to know.”

On why she got a cross tattoo: “I was at a photo shoot and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like, ‘Why are you wearing a cross? Like you would be religious.’ And then they took [my necklace] away. I was really affected by that. The whole thing made me realize that I do want [a cross] with me, at all times.”

On if she’s dating Maks from Dancing with the Has-Beens: “I really have never had a serious relationship in the industry. I’m just having fun. Obviously I have a very busy schedule at this time in my life, and I don’t put relationships as a priority.”

I don’t think they’re focused on thinking Kate’s dumb, I think they’re focused on her chichiiiiiiiiiiiiiis or her A- eyebrow situation (it need more villainess arch to get an A+).

“These Are The Only Reasons Why Anybody’s Going To Pay To See This Shit Show Of A Movie!”

On IMDB, the plot for Nick Cassavetes‘ The Other Woman reads like this:

After realizing she is not her boyfriend’s primary lover, a woman teams up with his wife and plots mutual revenge.

If the producers really want to make history by selling out the entire run of their movie before it even hits theaters, they should update the plot to read:

KATE UPTON’S TITS BOUNCE IN THIS!

The Other Woman stars Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Kate Upton, Taylor Kinney and Nicki Minaj, and Cameron probably thinks that she’s finally going to get top billing again since she’s the biggest star in that cast, but sorry, trick. Kate Upton’s chichis are totally getting top, bottom and middle billing.

Because Nick Cassavetes knows what’s really going to sell his movie, he shot a trampoline scene with Kate, Cameron and Leslie in the Hamptons yesterday. I love how Leslie and Cameron are acting like their parts are really going to end up in the final cut. They should just stand there and file their nails while not giving a hell, because the cutting room floor is where there parts are going to end up. My guess is that Kate Upton plays a character who works as a trampoline trainer/car washer/t-shirt tester/rainstorm marathon runner. So one percent of the movie will be Cameron and the cast talking about how glorious Kate’s tits are and the rest of the movie will be Kate jumping on a trampoline, washing a car in a bikini, testing wet t-shirts and running marathons in the rain. And to avoid that whole chafed nipple thing, Kate will run topless.

Kate’s chichis aren’t as nearly as magnificent as Christina Hendrick’s, but they’re still spectacular. They’re so spectacular that every hour on the hour, a head will pop out from Kate’s side to look at her chichis and say, “Damn, those are spectacular!”

She’s got her own chichi cuckoo clock. And yeah, they might as well rename the movie Kate Upton’s Chichis (and the other woman aka Cameron Diaz).

Kate Upton’s Thick Ass Brows Are On The Cover Of Vogue

Phoebe Price’s team of high-powered lawyers are filing a trademark-infringement lawsuit against American Vogue right now for calling Kate Upton the “hottest supermodel on Earth.” Hell, I think Earth is going to also sue Vogue for slander, because this is a lie and this is how fraudulent rumors get started! But other than that, I like the cover, but only because Kate’s brows look like a delicious Sunday afternoon snack.

Those brows look like two trays of seven-layer dip. She’s got them frijoles brows. Underneath that thick layer of baked refried beans are layers of cheese, guacamole, salsa, sour cream and another layer of refried beans. I just want to stick a tortilla chip in them.

But now that I look at them closer… They’re so thick that they kind of look like dog poop brows. Ugh. Put the tortilla chips away. Why do my eyes and trash brain have to ruin everything?

Okay, Okay, Sarah Jessica Parker Won The Met Gala

If your eyeballs haven’t turned into stone balls from staring deep into Sarah Jessica Parker’s crotch (“I haven’t even stared at the Crotch of Sauron” – Matthew Broderick), then slow clap for her Iggy Pop-looking ass, because she took the night’s theme of “punk” and galloped away with it. She looks like vomit and diarrhea from a punk sprayed against a velvet plaid sofa and that headpiece looks like a fancy horse’s idea of a mohawk. Spartacus just wants to hop on her back and together they’ll lead the slave uprising against the Roman Republic! Bitch went hard, looks a wreck and I love it.

And here’s pictures just 1/100th of the bitches who showed up to the Met Gala tonight and completely pulled an opposite SJP by ignoring the theme. In order: Kate Upton (didn’t try), Jennifer Lawrence (didn’t try), Gavin Rossdale (semi-tried), Gwen Stefani (probably tried but gave up and threw napkins on her bod instead), Carey Mulligan (didn’t try), JLo (didn’t try, should’ve been escorted to the exit), Kristen Stewart (semi-tried, because looking like an embroidered used tampon is sort of punk rock), Katy Perry (um, did any of these hos know what the theme was?) and the Queen of the Death Eaters. 

Diddy And Kate Upton Might Be A Thing (UPDATE)

Diddy seems to always be dating Cassie, but I guess he pushed her to the side again, because he was supposedly moisturizing the sexy all over Kate Upton at LIV in Miami on March 23. Kate stopped humping on Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander a couple of months ago and now some source tells the NYDN that she’s rubbing her nips all over Diddy’s gold grill.

One witness type said that they saw Diddy and Kate stabbing each other’s mouths with their tongues at LIV and “they weren’t trying to hide it.” Then last Thursday, Diddy and Kate had dinner at Gemma in NYC. So all signs point to they’re doing it part-time.

Kate is 20 and Diddy is 43. Kate could probably get a million rich dudes and Diddy never closes his mouth and most likely tastes like tonsil stones and JLo’s dirty ass. So I’m not sure why this is happening. Maybe Kate Upton figures that since she’s at the age where it’s okay to blatantly make shitty decisions, she might as well blatantly make as many shitty decisions as she can. She already made this shitty decision (Note: posing for Terry Richardson sometimes leads to him jizzing on your face) and this shitty decision (Note: letting a horse nibble on your crotch is never a good idea, ask all of Trace Cyrus’ ex-girlfriends), so she figures that she might as well make a few more. I guess that one day in the future, Kate wants to be able to tell her grandkids, “Diddy drank Cristal out of my cooch on a yacht once!”

UPDATE: Diddy’s tongue was not down Kate Upton’s throat, according to Diddy.