Kate Upton Might Go To The Prom With The High School Senior Who Asked Her Out In A YouTube Video

After Mila Kunis accepted an invitation to the Marine Corps Ball, every ho and every ho’s little brother  started asking celebrities to be their date to their special event and the trend lives on. While my video invite asking Anderson Cooper to come to a party in my butt goes unanswered (RUDE!), Kate Upton did answer a video invitation from a high school senior who wants her to go to his prom with him.

When Jake Davidson’s prom video invite (the awkwardness is below in all its awkward glory) went viral on Sunday, Kate Upton tweeted him on Monday and told him she had to check her schedule. Today had the real-life Wyatt from Weird Science on their show morning and after he told them all the reasons why he thinks Kate should go to the prom with him, Savannah and Hoda told him that they had her on the line. Before Kate even said “hi,” dude started and finished right then and there. If dude almost has a panic attack just from hearing Kate’s voice, he’s going to hyperventilate himself out of puberty if he meets her ass in person.

Kate once again said that she’d have to check her schedule and I think what she means by that is that she has to go down to the court house to get a restraining order.

Kate Upton Almost Froze To Death While Posing For This Picture

Kate Upton really is our modern day messiah. Jesus died for your sins and Kate Upton almost died just so millions could fap to this picture of her in Antarctica. Even though Kate Upton’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition cover shoot looks like it was done at the penguin exhibit at the San Diego Zoo, she swears they really shot it in Antarctica and she has the frostbite scar on her ass cheek to prove it. Kate was on Today (via UsWeekly) this morning to talk about getting the cover for the second year in a row and she says that posing half naked in sub zero temperatures caused her to suffer temporary blindness and her eardrums froze over and she ALMOST DIED, but at least she looks hot in the pictures! And that’s ALL that matters.

“It was freezing. I’m from Florida, so it wasn’t great for me. I can’t believe we were all able to accomplish that. I was thinking warm thoughts. When I came back, I was losing hearing and eyesight. Because my body was shutting down — working so hard to keep me warm.

The penguins kept me going! They’re adorable. Anytime I was like, ‘I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do it!’ I would look at them and I was like. Okay, for them . . . “

Yes, Kate Upton has a freezer burned clit, frost bitten nipples and they had to pour brandy from a St. Bernard’s barrel collar on her ass after her culito lips froze shut, but it was all worth it! And I even love how Kate Upton is covering for the penguins. Girl, please. We all know that the dude penguins mistook her chichis for extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra extra large penguin eggs and nearly scratched her body up with their claws while fighting over who got to sit on them.

And I hate myself for turning a post about frost bitten nipples into a post about penguins fighting over eggs. I was never the same after seeing March of the Penguins.

Kate Upton Is Too Basic For Victoria’s Secret

If the Victoria’s Secret Angels are flawless and rare diamonds found at the bottom of the ocean after Gloria Stuart threw them overboard, then Kate Upton is a fake gold necklace in the briefcase boutique of a Mexican dude selling jewelry and house dresses on a beach in Tijuana. The VS Angels are special beauties and Kate Upton will turn your skin green. That’s what a casting director for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show basically told The New York Times (via UsWeekly) last week.

Kate Upton’s Photoshopped crotch has already been seen by the eyes of millions on the cover of SI: Swimtsuit Edition, but that’s not good enough for VS. The casting director, Sophia Neophitou, sharpened her shank of a tongue and then slashed this out:

“We would never use [Kate Upton for a Victoria’s Secret show]. She is too obvious. She’s like a Page 3 girl. She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

DAMN. That shit seems harsh until I tell you that Sophia walked in on Kate Upton sucking her husband off, punching her child with one hand and choking her kitten out with the other while pissing on her favorite pair of shoes.

I sort of agree that Kate Upton is what you get when you walk into a 99 Cent Store and ask for an Amber Heard, but she’s harmless and I’m sure she’ll do just fine without wearing a fucking Mardi Gras float on her back during a VS show.

If it’s true that I inherited Miss Cleo’s SLYCIC skills, then I’m sure Kate Upton will get cast in Transformers 4 (after she washes Michael Bay’s Ferrari like nobody else) and make millions from her line of bikini bottoms shaped like Doritos. Then she’ll date Leonardo DiCatchAHo for a minute before marrying Tiger Woods without a prenup. Ho will be fine.

And if irony loves me, it will tell me that at last night’s Sports Illustrated party in NYC, Kate Upton wore a dress from the VS catalog. I mean, it does look like it.

The Photoshop Awards: Kate Upton On Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition

Hours before Sports Illustrated was supposed to show off the cover of their annual For Horny Teen Boys Who Don’t Have Private Internet Access issue on The Late Show last night, a gas station in Michigan leaked it after the magazine arrived early. A GAS STATION IN MICHIGAN! Sports Illustrated should’ve moved the unveiling to that gas station in Michigan, because that would’ve been a more fitting place to bring out this 80s cartoon mess of a cover. Kate Upton is only 19-years-old and I’m sure she’s perfect in real life, but they sort of fucked her up. I’m sure before the cover shoot, the conversation between the editors went something like this:

“We need to shoot her from below so that her tits looks like two Junior Mints melting over the side of a picnic table. Then catch a pirate hamster, rip off his eye patch and throw it on Kate’s crotch. Don’t worry if it makes her crotch look like two jelly snakes fighting under a Spandex blanket. We’re going to Photoshop her down low bits until she’s got Barbie crotch. Oh, and don’t bring our high-powered fan. We don’t need it. We’re going to give Kate a sideways Flock of Seagulls ‘do with four cans of hairspray and a tease brush.”

A MESS!

But like I said above, it’s still an important day for horny teens whose parents won’t let them be alone with the computer. It’s kind of like the equivalent of what the JCPenney catalog meant to me as a young ho. Whenever that shit was dropped off at our porch (it didn’t fit in the mail box, wink wink), I’d grab it, tear out the “underwear for men” section and basically stitch the pages to the back side of my chonies.