Category: Kate Upton
Growing Up Pretty Was Hard: The Kate Upton Edition
Let’s all put our money together and hire a bunch of wailing women to cry for Kate Upton, because when the poor thing was a kid she suffered from a severe disability called being pretty. Before Kate Upton used her huge tits and looks to make millions upon millions of dollars, she was just a regular Florida farm girl whose prettiness was an “inconvenience.” (“Inconvenience?! You’d think the prettiest cow in the farm would get all the attention and be saved from the slaughter house every time.” – Carol Alt)
Kate Upton, the future chairwoman of the We Survived Being Pretty Foundation, tells Elle UK (via E!) that she was always pretty, but when she was a girl, being pretty hurt her rather than helped her. That isn’t the only thing that will pull at your eye rolling muscle. Kate also said that she’d happily give up all her millions and fame to go back to living a simple life on the farm. The Anna Nicole of this generation (sans charisma, smarts and a hot side kick like Assistant Kimmy) spit out these dingles to Elle UK:
On growing up pretty: “Living on a farm, beauty doesn’t get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn’t mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.”
On how money means nothing to her: “I feel like I’m rich because I love my family and friends. I love my horse and my dog. I would be fine leaving all of this behind and living on a farm somewhere.”
On how she thanked God when her gigantic chichis popped up on her chest: “I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I’m from Florida, it’s all about being in bathing suits. It’s a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body. And I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought, ‘Yessss!’ And then people say, ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what?’ I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”
“Inconvenient” doesn’t mean what Kate Upton thinks it means, but I’ll give her a pass. During that interview, words and definitions got mixed up in that empty helium tank head of hers, because she was really frazzled from reliving the traumatic experience of growing up pretty. Those of us who were awkward, homely and a mess as kids looked at the pretty, white girls and figured they had it good. We were not only wrong to judge, but we were flat-out wrong. They had it worse! That Twilight Zone episode is real. Thank you, Kate Upton, for bringing this taboo subject to the surface. Kate Upton is so brave and so courageous. #NotAllPrettyGirls
Harper’s Bazaar Photoshopped Out One Of Kate Upton’s Armpits
It also appears they’ve also done some not-right shit around her chest area; I know she said she wanted to draw more attention to her ass, but I don’t think Photoshopping a picture of her ass onto her tits is what she had in mind. Harper’s Bazaar posted this photo of cheesecake-in-a-bikini Kate Upton to their website to accompany an interview with her trainer (“Let’s start with bouncing, followed by some light jiggling”) and along with Photoshopping her legs, arms, gut, thighs, chin, skin, collarbones, fingernails, and earlobes to hell and back, they also went for one of her armpits. I’m not sure what Harper’s Bazaar has against Kate Upton’s right armpit to delete it entirely from the picture, but here are my guesses:
1. Kate showed up to the Harper’s Bazaar shoot with this tattoo (NSFW if your boss isn’t cool with refined gentlemen)
2. In an attempt to steal some attention away from Kate’s giant chichis, her right armpit grew a massive voluptuous cyst
3. Kate’s right armpit was too beautiful and it kept stealing focus from her face
4. It kept flipping the photographer off (it’s going through a phase right now)
Or maybe they didn’t actually Photoshop it out because it was never there? Maybe it never showed up to set. I heard a rumor that the last shoot Kate was on, her right armpit arrived 45 minutes late, reeking of booze. Then it disappeared for 2 hours and returned jittery and agitated and tried to take a swing at one of Kate’s boobs. Then at lunchtime, 2 swimsuits and a wallet went missing. Her armpit is basically the Lindsay Lohan of the modelling world.
Pic: Harper’s Bazaar
Kate Upton’s Ass Deserves More Attention, Says Kate Upton
If Papa Joe Simpson were to describe Kate Upton’s body, her tits would be the Jessica Simpson and her ass would be the Ashlee Simpson. What I’m trying to say is: the tits are paying the bills. And just like Papa Joe Simpson, Kate Upton is thrusting her second, less-talented child into the spotlight by inviting the world to stop caring about her million-dollar water balloons for a second and start paying attention to her ass. Kate Upton shot a behind-the-scenes video during a Sports Illustrated shoot in the Cook Islands, and she explained why the photos of her ass hanging out of a thong bikini will be her favorite:
“You know what, my butt doesn’t get that much attention, so I think this shot will get it the attention it deserves.”
To quote the great poet Michelle Visage: “If you’re going to shimmy and show us your cakes, you have to have cakes.” And the only cakes Kate Upton is working with are two pancakes. Which isn’t necessarily bad; I mean, I did just get a craving for IHOP, and that’s always a welcome feeling. But I know asses that deserve attention, and you ma’am are no CoCo. She needs to realize that the money makers are in the front, not the back, so stop trying to make your ass happen Kate, it’s not going to happen! It’s like someone’s sassy Memaw might have once said: When you’re famous for your cheesecake, you don’t bring a half-eaten box of Twinkies to the bake sale.
Here’s more of Kate Upton’s ass modelling a Canadian tuxedo at a photoshoot in New York earlier this week:
Pics: Splash
Seeing Kate Upton’s Body Makes Karen From Mean Girls Stop Worrying About Hers
If you’ve ever looked at Kate Upton and wondered what’s taking Dove so long to fired all the normal people models from their Real Beauty campaign and replace them with Kate Upton, go ahead and add your name to the list along with Amanda Seyfried. Karen from Mean Girls took a break from her tireless crusade against airport injustice to tell Elle UK about how she learned to stop worrying about her own body by embracing the unconventional beauty of Kate Upton:
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t constantly aware of what I’m doing with my body. I don’t have to look like a supermodel. I don’t have to have those abs—the camera doesn’t see that. But because we have all been designed to want these things, I’m a victim of this stuff, too. Thank God for Kate Upton. She’s a supermodel. She has curves. She’s like the new image of beauty and thank god.”
I know I felt the same when I first saw Kate Upton; I was like “FINALLY, someone in Hollywood represents THE REST OF US!” as I finished my second taco-in-a-bag.
I get what Amanda Seyfriedchicken is trying to say, except she’s not really the new image of beauty; sure, she’s a popular model who just happens to not be a size 00 (she’s more like a 2, aka Curvy, aka “Ew so fat” in Anna Wintour sizes). But Sports Illustrated isn’t putting her on the cover of the Swimsuit Issue half-naked to challenge society’s narrow definition of conventional beauty standards and perceived body image; it’s because BOOBS.
Cameron Diaz Would Like You To Know That She Hasn’t Used Antiperspirant In 20 Years
Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.
I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).
“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”
Well, I guess that explains this (and this, and this). But what about guys? Without antiperspirant, won’t they start to smell like low-tide on Garbage Island?
“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”
I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.
Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).
QOTD: Kate Upton Wishes She Had Smaller Tits
Kate Upton saying, “I wish I had smaller tits,” is Kate Upton’s way of saying, “I wish I wasn’t famous and a millionaire.”
Kate Upton has a pair of magnificent chichis that look like two fat angels taking a long nap on pillows made of clouds and they’re a HUGE part of why she has millions of dollars, two Sports Illustrated covers, a Vogue cover and they’re the reason why the bed sheets of many teen boys are crusty and can stand up on their own. But Kate tells The Sun on Sunday (via Page Six) that she wishes her all-natural, organic titty bags were attached to her body by velcro so she could rip them off and put on a pair of Keira Knightley-sized tits every now and again. Yes, magnificent chichis are good for all sorts of things like cracking open watermelons and holding all your necessities (examples: iPhone, lipstick, stash of weed and lube) when you don’t want to carry a purse, but Kate says that she wishes the tits that shoot out hundred dollar bills were smaller.
“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up. But the grass is always greener, as they say! If I could just take them off like they were clip-ons.”
The most surprising part of all of this is that the person who interviewed Kate was able to write the words that came out of her mouth while not looking at their notepad because their eyes were glued to her huge, money-making chichis the entire time.