The opening bell for Awards Season has rung! An actor has discussed their transformation diet, officially kicking off the races for Best Actor or Actress at the Oscars, Golden Globes and SAG Awards. Next we’ll probably hear from Renee Zellweger for Judy, but the race begins with Joaquin Phoenix who lost 50 pounds to play the always down to clown Arthur Fleck in Joker. According to Access Hollywood, Joaquin’s sallow complexion and diet comprised entirely of American Spirits and a single apple a day, were augmented to include some steamed vegetables to complete his transformation!
Is that including her concrete-looking patio stone titties? Because those look like they weigh at least 10-12lbs. (I once worked in a garden center, I know these things). Former Housewife turned failed talk show host turned Housewife again Bethenny Frankel was recently asked about her weight on the Today show, because I guess asking her about her long-lost twin brother The Joker was off limits. Anyway, the skinny bitch who started a company called Skinnygirl wants you to know (or maybe her team of personality coaches wants you to know?) that despite sometimes looking like the real life version of Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, she’s not too skinny.
“Sometimes I do agree that I look too thin, especially when I’m tired, especially when I’m haggard. I do eat. There are nutritionists that comment that I don’t even weigh a hundred pounds — I weigh 115 pounds. I’ll be happy to get on the Today show scale!”.
Meanwhile, the Today show scale is like “You know I’m a real scale right? You should probably think this through.”
A quick glance at the internet tells me that Bethenny Frankel is 5 foot 5 inches, and I have no idea if 115 lbs. is the right weight for a 5 foot 5 inch tall person, since I can neither remember the last time I was 5″5 or 115lbs. But I would think that seems relatively normal for someone who, I’m assuming, burns 10,000 calories a day being a hard-core attention humper.
Here’s all 115 lbs of Bethenny strutting out of the Today show yesterday.
And yet, I still would. I would have back when he looked like a feral hamster, and I would now. Hell, I would even if he was dressed as The Snuggler, but I think that says more about me than I should admit out loud, so I’ll stop.
Zach Galifianakis must have gotten cursed out by an evil gypsy woman or something, because he showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like an emaciated chicken nugget. And everyone was like “who dis?“, because Zach Galifianakis doesn’t really look like Zach Galifianakis anymore. He looks more like a blond Joaquin Phoenix. It’s like The Curious Case of Jonah Hill Galifianakis – all eyes and neck.
As much as I want to believe some old lady pulled a Thinner on his ass, Zach’s weight loss is probably just the result of quitting booze. Zach told Conan O’Brien back in May 2013 that he quit drinking and lost some weight, so I guess he’s still not drinking. According to UsWeekly, a source close to Zach says he’s “continuing to stay healthy. People are really proud of him.” That’s all well and good, but did he have to get rid of that sexy beard too? Maybe the beard started missing booze too much and was like “Fuck this, I’m going to go live on Andrew Garfield’s face.”
Zach didn’t walk the red carpet, but here’s more handsome tuxedoed hos from the SAG Awards last night, including Adrien Brody, BILF (Beetlejuice I’d like to…you get the idea) Michael Keaton, and the Texas T-Rex looking like the maître d of a fancy topless surf n’ turf restaurant:
At the premiere of Unbroken (which again, is not a RobstenIsUnbroken propaganda documentary about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) in Sydney tonight, Dame St. Angie Jolie showed up looking like a beef bone that my abuelita wrapped in a black lace napkin to take home to her dog Tosco. St. Angie wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress to that made up Hollywood Film Awards and tonight she wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress. I have a feeling that’s going to be her thing this awards season. Designers are just going to wrap a napkin around her body, push her out onto the carpet and call it a day. Although, I think I just described every single dress that St. Angie has worn to every single premiere and awards show for the past 10 years.
Because I grew up Catholic and went to a few funerals as a kid, St. Angie’s dress reminds me of a black lace veil that an abuelita would wear while throwing herself on a casket as it goes into the ground at a burial. As I went through these pictures, I kept waiting to come across a picture of an abuelita asking St. Angie Jolie if she can have her black lace face veil dress in exchange for a giant thermos full of menudo. She’d probably give St. Angie the thermos full of menudo anyway.
Here’s more of St. Angie Jolie looking like the severe mom of an Ever After High doll at the Unbroken premiere with Brad Pitt and Jack O’Connell.
Yesterday, Nicki Minaj released the artwork for her upcoming single “Anaconda”, which featured a shot of Nicki proudly showing off her hungry silicone-stuffed beanbag chair booty devouring a pink g-string. Most of us rolled our eyes and told her to put it away, since we’ve all seen her ass a million times. And apparently our lack of respect for her airbrushed bubble butt pissed Nicki off, because last night she took to Instagram to complain.
Nicki posted four pictures of skinny swimsuit models like Nina Agdal and Lily Aldridge (you can’t call her racist though, because she threw in a picture of 1/2 Thai Chrissy Teigen) popping their bony model butts out with the caption: “Acceptable”. She then re-posted the picture of her greased up anaconda-swallowing-a-baby-hippo ass, which she captioned “Unacceptable”. Yes, it IS unacceptable! Why isn’t anyone trying to save that poor baby hippo?!?
Obviously she’s just upset that there weren’t more people drooling over her overstuffed pasta shells ass, but she’s sort of going after the wrong people (or butts, as the case may be). Comparing the bony flat asses of a bunch of boring Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to Nicki’s plastic grocery bag filled with off-brand Fix-A-Flat is an apples-to-oranges situation. It’s sort of like the time I threw shade at my friend after she’d admitted to smoking meth, and she hissed back that I was a hypocrite because I drank Diet Coke (her logic was that it’s “all chemicals”. Classic meth logic). Butts and meth, it’s all the same, you know?
But what Nicki doesn’t realize is that when people where telling her to put her to put her ass away, it was because we were trying to protect her! The second The Hammaconda got wind of the artwork for “Anaconda”, it would have no doubt called its lawyers and demanded they draft up a cease and desist regarding the blatant appropriation of their name, as well as the unlawful resemblance between their balls and her ass.
On Instagram yesterday, Chestica Simpson let it be known that skinny Jessica Simpson is back!
Chestica turned into a human water tower full of amniotic fluid and buttered Pop Tarts when she got knocked up with Maxwell and right after she birthed out that kid, she got knocked up again, because being knocked up and filling your mouth hole with buttered Pop Tarts is so much funner than walking on a treadmill and eating mist to fulfill your Weight Watchers contract. Well, after months and months of walking on a treadmills until her legs broke and only eating Weight Watchers enchiladas made of her own tears and purified air, Jessica is skinny again.
Jessica spent a sliver of her Memorial Day awkwardly posing with a golf club next to an elegant column while wearing deranged bee sunglasses and ugly shoes that should’ve never been born. Jessica is sucking in so hard that I think I can hear one of her ribs break, but I have to give her credit, because she’s sucking in and making duck lips at the same time. That’s a real talent.
And if I got an Outback Bloomin’ Onion every time one of my bitch ass friends took my picture and screamed, “Suck in, whore!“, at me and I was sucking in, I’d be as big as a 16 months pregnant Jessica.