Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks It’s “Slightly Misogynistic” To Compare GOOP To Other Actresses’ Lifestyle Websites

That’s a “Hush, peasants – Goopy is speaking” hand if I’ve ever seen one.

I know it’s going to seem like you’ve already heard this story once this week, but trust me – this story about a wealthy out-of-touch blonde actress-type complaining about her online lifestyle website is totally different, I swear. The Countess of Corn Brooms Gwyneth Paltrow recently spoke to TIME about the rich lady lifestyle website that has launched a million eye-rolls, GOOP.com. And even though there are a bunch more lifestyle websites by famous actresses out there now, Gwyneth isn’t here for the endless comparisons to GOOP. Pay attention, poors – Goopy wants you to stop comparing GOOP to Blake Lively’s Preserve and Reese Witherspoon’s Draper James., because it’s rude and “slightly misogynistic” and they’re totally different websites, you guys!

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That Taylor Swift Video That Stars Every Chick Alive Is Finally Out

During the past couple of weeks or so, Taylor Swift has pussy burped up poster after poster after poster of all the “characters” in her video for her song Bad Blood (working title: Die Katy Perry Die). It felt like there were approximately 10,999 posters and I thought that I would die of old age before the last one was released. Well, she finally released them all and the video was finally shown at the beginning of the Billboard Music Awards tonight. Since everybody and their back-up dealer was in it, I figured it would be 2 and a half hours long, but it wasn’t. It was seven billion cameos shoved into a 4-minute long video. 98% of the women in it, don’t need to be in it, but I guess it’s Taylor Swift’s way of telling us that she’s really, really popular and a bunch of famous, famous-ish (and not really famous-ish at all) people will be in her video if she asks them.

This video is what would end up in the toilet if Brit Brit’s video for “Toxic” gorged itself on The Hunger Games and washed it down with a glass of Katy Perry’s tears mixed with Kill Bill before barfing. Taylor Swift plays some kind of spy who gets double-crossed by her fellow spy played by Selena Gomez. Tay Tay is about as threatening as a sedated ladybug in a tutu and her badass face look like “I’m constipated but trying to be sexy” Selena Gomez is slightly more threatening than a sedated ladybug in a tutu and she looks like she’s starring as Velma Kelly in a kindergarten production of Chicago. Behold:

If a 12-year-old girl with millions of dollars and access to a camera crew and a whole lot of leather catsuits made a fun video of her and her girlfriends playing “spies” during her slumber party, that is what that video would look like. With that being said, Cindy Crawford and Mariska Hargitay look hot.

And Three Seconds Later, Brit Brit Spears Devoured Her Whole

As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.

Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.

If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.

There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.

Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Instagram

Self-Proclaimed Prude Jessica Alba Wants Everyone To Know That She Never Made A Stop On The Casting Couch

Jessica Alba, a member of The Basic Jessicas Club (see: Biel, Simpson), tells Entertainment Weekly (via People) that she’s a good Catholic girl and never gave head to get ahead. That’s good for her. Because if she rode a bunch of shriveled up, fake-tanned Hollywood executive dick to get cast in Good Luck Chuck, then bitch is doing the casting couch wrong.

Jessica says that while she was at home sipping chamomile tea and crocheting covers for her bible, other actresses were fucking for roles. Jessica says that yeah, she plays a stripper in Sin City: A Dame To Kill For and sex sells, but she never used her coochie to get a contract signed. Jessica is SO MUCH better than that.

“Sex is absolutely what helps sell this movie, which is fine with me. I’m also playing a character when people are taking pictures of me. That’s what I do, but it is not who I am. ‘I never slept my way through Hollywood, so I never felt like I compromised. Apparently people do it, I didn’t. I felt like I never compromised myself because I’m a prude. I don’t know. I grew up Catholic. In my head I’m always thinking, ‘Oh God, can my grandma see this?

I’m kind of a prude, and I didn’t really understand. They would always ask me provocative questions about my sexuality, my this or that. Sometimes I would lie and say something that wasn’t true to make myself seem more interesting than I was. I mean, I didn’t even know how to walk in heels until I went to the Golden Globes for the first time.”

Did any of us ever think that Jessica Alba slurped on peen to get cast in such illustrious cinematic masterpieces as The Eye and Honey? Not at all. I don’t even know why she’s bringing it up. We all know that Jessica gets cast for her magnificent acting talent and her magnificent acting talent alone. I mean, the raw emotion that she exuded in The Fantastic Four… We all should’ve burned Hollywood Blvd. down when she didn’t get an Oscar for The Love Guru. Jessica Alba doesn’t get jobs because of her looks, tits and ass. Not at all! In fact, future historians will say that Jessica Alba was an underrated Laurence Olivier of her time, but with bigger tits.

What In The Name Of Blanche Deverea-ho Is Going On Here?

I know – Blanche Devereaux would NEVER; I mean, that old slut would probably try, but Sophia would remind her that a true lady never flashes her satin-wrapped snapper without first being treated to the early bird special at Red Lobster. And since I see no Cheddar Bay Biscuit crumbs on her chichis, there’s clearly no Sophia in Rihanna’s life to tell her to put on some damn pants (Drake is really more of a Rose Nylund). But I should give RiRi some credit, because she was the only person with enough foresight to know that the MTV Movie Awards were going to be a sleepy snoozefest last night and came dressed ready to pop a couple Ambien and call it a night. “Fuck it, it’s not worth putting on pants.” – RiRi to her stylist.

Here’s more of the Barbadian Grace Kelly at the MTV Movie Awards, as well as a bunch of other tricks who’s event-appropriate clothing couldn’t hold a candle to the class and elegance of RiRi’s granny panties. But some came close, like Pia Mia in purple satin, Rachel Antonoff as Peaches n’ Cream Col. Sanders, and a drunk-looking Leslie Mann (always the look):

Pics: Splash

MiserAlba Thinks It’s Weird That Some Parents Don’t Kiss Their Kids On The Lips

There was a time when Jessica Alba’s main job was memorizing lines before saying those lines in front of a camera while giving off the emotion of wet corn starch, but nowadays she mostly spends her time Instramming and talking mom stuff to magazines who put her on their cover for some reason. During an interview with Redbook, MiserAlba talked about riveting shit like buying used furniture on Craigslist and then the interviewer brought up the whole “parents kissing their kids on the lips” thing. The interviewer told MiserAlba that some parents are against kissing their kids on the lips and that shocked her for some reason, which shocked the interviewer, because up until then they probably thought her only emotion was “……..”

MiserAlba on how she’s a normal because she buys stuff on Craigslist: “I bought my hot pink desk off Craigslist. I have a problem. I love vintage furniture, and refurbishing is one of the most eco things you can do. I also got a couple of cool chairs and Danish mid-century credenzas off of Craigslist.”

MiserAlba on how it’s weird when she’s hanging out with her mom friends and the paparazzi she texted shows up: “It’s weird when we’re doing normal mom things and there’s paparazzi around. That’s the only thing that makes everyone uncomfortable.”

MiserAlba on how some moms and dads don’t kiss their kids on the mouth: “Really? Why?! It’s your baby. People allow dogs to lick at their mouths.”

Excuse you, MiserAlba, but I’m not one of those people who lets my dog French my lips. Ever since I saw him in a disturbing light, and by that I mean I watched him pull his head out of a pussy butt bakery (aka a litter box) and a freshly baked cat cookie (aka you know what I’m talking about) was in his mouth, I will only greet him by shaking his paw and giving him a Christian side hug. Or maybe he’s the one who will only shake my hand and give me a Christian side hug after finding out where my trash mouth has been. It’s probably a little of both.

When I was a kid, my mom would barely kiss me, because it was hard for her to do it while I was dramatically flailing around and screaming, “EW! GROSS! SICK!” But personally, I think a parent kissing their kid on the lips is okay. It’s normal! One of the only times it’s not okay for a parent to touch lips with their kid is when the mom’s name is White Oprah, the daughter’s name is Lindsay Lohan and while drunkenly hanging out in a club, the mom licks coke off of the daughter’s lips because she doesn’t want any of that good stuff to go to waste. Giving innocent people the non-stop dry heaves is wrong and never ever okay.

And here’s Jessica Alba and her brother looking like TweedleMess and TweedleMessier while smiling (she smiles!) in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash