What In The Hell Are You Doing To Your Tits?

Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.

While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)

It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.

Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Jessica Alba Wore A Double Corset For Three Months To Lose Weight

Right after her second baby came out of her body, Jessica Alba wanted her stomach to be as flat as her acting skills again, so she wrapped two girdles around her body and suffocated her stomach night and day for three months straight. MiserAlba was extra MiserAlba. Yes, her internal organs are shaped like crepes now and she had to scrape the girdle butter off her torso every night, but at least she’s got a flat stomach again! MiserAlba told Net-a-Porter:

“It was brutal; it’s not for everyone. I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”

A double corset night and day? Does that mean ho even wore that rib crusher when she was doing fuck times with her man? Trying to get off while your organs are getting crushed and you’re trying to breathe does not sound like a good time. Just thinking about that crap makes me want to rub my gut while eating a Popeye’s drumstick dipped in mashed potatoes and gravy. Bitch is crazy. But really, we all know that the only thing she had wrapped around her stomach were bandages after getting a tummy tuck lipo special.

Here’s Jessica in the Caribbean a few weeks ago.

Jessica Alba Just Had To Tell Us Why She Named Her Daughter Haven

The former miserable bump on a bitch who could turn the world off with her snarl (I miss THAT MiserAlba) baptized her brand new shiny baby daughter Haven (above with Honor) into the tabloid kingdom by presenting her in front of Not OK! Magazine’s cameras for a quick check. And during her talk about babies with OK, Jessica Alba just had to get into the details of why she and her husband Coins Warren gave their daughter the name they gave her. Warning: If you’re eating shrimp wonton soup for lunch, and a shot of fish broth just hit the back of your throat after you bit into a wet dough bag, you might want to save this story for never.

“When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. He grabbed the nurse and said: ‘Look at this!’ I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: ‘Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!’ The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip.

When I was in recovery we still hadn’t chosen her name. Cash picked her up and said she came into the world in her ‘safe haven’ and it clicked right then for both of us.”

Couldn’t MiserAlba just lie to us and say that she named her baby friend after that SyFy show or that staring into the STAINS eyeballs of James Haven hypnotized her into going with that name. Honestly, Sac Burst would’ve been a better name than Haven.

via Digital Spy

MiserAlba Finally Gave Birth

After going through what seemed like the gestation period of a damn elephant, the latest heir to the bitchface throne slid out of MiserAlba on Saturday and threw the doctor a shank eye of death that made him slap himself. As JustInItForTheCash Warren day dreamed about how he’s going to spend the extra weekly allowance his wife is going to give him for training their newest baby on how to scowl for every paps’ lens, MiserAlba announced the news on Facebook yesterday. Oh, and pretty much announced that she watches a lot of Syfy and is going to destroy the letter H the same way the Kuntdashians have destroyed the letter K.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you’re enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.

Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.

Honor & Haven?! Tell me that doesn’t sound like the names of graphic novel characters who crime fight at night and then work as day-shift taxi dancers at a club where 90% of the proceeds go to a women’s shelter. Speaking of women’s shelter, if you told me that Haven Garner is the name of a halfway house for runaway teens that Jennifer Garner founded because she needed another tax write-off, I wouldn’t waste a keystroke by saying you were lying.

Kunty Karl Makes Grown Ladies Swoon At The MET Costume Gala

Tonight is the Met’s Costume Institute Gala (this year’s exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don’t even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other’s nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn’t even wear that shit as their menstruatin’ dress.

And it wouldn’t be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters’ designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don’t believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl’s coke white hair.

Or maybe she’s falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that’s probably the culprit.

And here’s a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl’s claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L’Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.

MiserAlba’s Scowlface Legacy Will Live On Again

When MiserAlba wore this to the BAFTAs the other night, I figured she was just fraudulently filling the “covering a baby bump with an empire waist gown” category since Natalie Portman couldn’t be there, but I was wrong. Jessica Alba announced via her Facebook that her womb is following the must-have trend of 2011 by wearing a baby on the inside! Soon, the thick layer of smog, chlorine smoke from Mel Gibson’s pores and broken dreams that hovers over Los Angeles will be flushed out by a cloud of pregnancy farts. On that note, here’s MiserAlba’s announcement:

It’s been a while since I’ve been on FB & I thought I’d drop by to let you all in on some exciting news>Honor is going to be a Big Sister! Cash and I are thrilled and wanted to share the news directly with you so you didn’t hear about it somewhere else. I appreciated all of the love and support you all gave me during my first pregnancy and will definitely appreciate it again this time around. Have a great day! Jess

This is a piece of BABY!!! news I’m actually excited about. Remember when she was knocked up with Honor and her morning, noon and night sickness was filled with ridiculous quotes like how she was hoping for a brown baby? I hope for more of that as well as some terror-inducing pregnant lady cunt glares that could cut any umbilical cord in two. And I’ll be really disappointed if MiserAlba and OnlyInItForTheCash don’t name their baby Dis.

via ONTD